Next up: Awkward Pet Photos!

I love pets, really I do, but there's something just odd sometimes about the pet photos that guys post on the dating sites. Get this straight guys - we think pets are great, but they aren't children and ya know - there's something sort of weird about really "lovey" pictures of you with your pet (i.e. the guy above cradling his dog - WTF?). I think it's great to show a photo of your pet, yes ONE photo of your pet, but then, there's a fine line there. For instance, if you have 4 cats, you inadvertently look like the "crazy cat dude". You can't get around that label (though I will fully admit - I don't like cats). Now, I realize there are MANY people who do have lots of animals, but then, there are also a great many people who think having a lot of pets is a little... odd. Agree or disagree, I still feel pics like these have no place on the profile. Why? It's supposed to be the "best" you and these pics, let's face it will turn some women OFF. Personally, the cat one weirded me out because of the ghetto-looking steps and gas cans NEXT to the herd of cats, but maybe that's just me? And the dog-cradler? Well... that's some pet love I do NOT want anything to do with. He had a series of 3-4 pictures of him with his dogs. CREEPY, not cool.

The Shirtless Hall of Fame... the Meatheads: They lift things up and put dem' down!!

I'd like to enter these fine gentlemen in my newest honor on Dating Dudes & Duds: The Shirtless Hall of Fame, though the last gentleman admittedly looks pantless rather than shirtless, but semantics, ya know? We still feel he's deserving of this honor. My first gentleman, I've gotta say... when you are shopping for the love of your life, NOTHING screams 'pick me' more than a hot sexy pose in a... public bathroom (with stalls in full view!!!) How very.. George Michael of you sexy man! Gentleman #2 - well, let's face it, he rocks. And the third one of course seems to have forgotten his pants but of course, didn't forget his favorite wife beater (because, we all know it's not t-shirt tiiiiiiime quite yet), but perhaps my favorite part about this de-pants bachelor is that he oiled up for the photo shoot. Hmmm... I can smell the cocoa-butter. If you haven't seen the Planet Fitness video yet, just go to YouTube and search for "I pick things up and put them down"... 'nuff said.

Are you an equal opportunity dater?

Perhaps it's my age, my 21 years of dating, but damn it, I've had it. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm done. Of course, we all know in about a week this epiphany will expire like a dairy product, but for today, I'm done.

Right now, I'm in a state of ???. The state of ??? comes from meeting a guy that just makes you feel all ??? inside. Case in point, my latest dude/dud *Darren. Darren is actually the type of guy I've been DYING to meet since I moved here - intelligent, intelligent, intelligent. Intelligence to me is a turn-on. I mean, sure some physical attractiveness is important too, but a well-timed, well-educated quip or discussion on something intelligent.. that's what makes my heart go a-flutter.

Darren I met on eharm (subscription is expiring), went thru the usual mumbo-jumbo and then encountered my 1st email from Darren. No joke - it was PAGES long. In the span of a single email, and yes this was in the FIRST email sent he asked me all of the following:

What's your job? Do you like it? Do you watch American Idol? Any other shows you love to watch? I watch CSI. Ever watch it? When is your school year done? When is your break? Have you ever forked someone's house? Were you a trouble maker when you were younger? Now? (that's a long story...) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What type of dancing do you like to do? Have you taken classes? What's your guilty pleaure music band? Favorite band of all time? What brought you to the area? Do you have any siblings? Didn't Michigan just fire the football coach? Have you been to many professional sporting events? What type of dog did you have growing up? I know I missed a few too...

Now I've combined them all together to make a point - is this a job application?? Why not start asking me about my most successful relationship and what made it successful and what I've learned from my failures in life? What's my strength as a potential date and what do I have to offer my potential employer, er... husband?

Guys, keep it to a few well-placed questions. I feel like this guy is trying to find out EVERYTHING before wasting his time and the fact is, you'll know nothing about chemistry until you meet someone. Our 1st phone call was good, much more relaxed, less job application. But then our 2nd conversation yesterday is what has me all ???

I actually don't like to talk a lot before meeting. It's a waste of time if there is no chemistry. I've spent HOURS talking to a guy and then just not felt any chemistry upon meeting. So the 2nd conversation, I just didn't want to talk that much. He starts by talking about movies and basically starts dogging some movies that I really enjoyed, so I spoke up and said, "well I enjoyed that movie because..." He was dead silent, like I think he was offended that I (gasp) had an opinion and expressed it? I mean, sometimes you don't have to agree, why not just laugh at it? It was just one of those conversations where I felt that he wanted to argue/debate and I wasn't into it. Why would I want that? He just said some things I thought were sort of "belittling" like he said something along the lines of if I were around him and I were watching Jersey Shore he would have to leave the room. Yeah, well, leave and take the stick out of your ass while you're in the other room. Then once I expressed that I really loved Sex & the City, he started dissing that, saying that it's basically becoming Golden Girls. Okay, that was mildly funny. Oh, but then he also mentioned his ex wife... several times (RED FLAG!!!)

Then our 3rd conversation and he asks me how I liked having 3 snow days off work and I said "Well, all I learned is that I am NOT cut out to be a housewife. I was soooo bored." Again.. silence and then he says, "Well my ex wife was a housewife." My reply, "Yeah, well it's not for me. I was bored." And he continues to defend his wife saying she always had things to do, blah blah blah.. yeah, and they didn't have kids. Give me a break. The bottom line, the guy was LOOKING for any reason to exclude me. I think the guy is hung up on his ex or something, but whatever it is, I'm not feeling it and I told him so and gave him the heave-ho.

So hence... I'm done!

"Glamour Shots!" & "The Pirate"

I don't think that my friends TRULY understand how difficult dating is, particularly in the south, so I've decided to include a montage of photos featuring some of my favorites I've found in my online dating experience lately. Perhaps one day, one of these people will stumble upon this blog, but I hope that the understanding is this - my hope is to show you the error of your ways. I feel it is now my duty to educate the masses!! With that, my first beef - Glamour shots. You know, those cheesy mall photos of the 80's with the "fuzzy" picture appeal and ridiculously posed photos that wound up making you look, well, stupid? Hmmm.. so why would you use those photos as your profile pictures? Especially multiples of them side by side? I mean, take them one by one. Photo 1 - the "over the shoulder" jean jacket? Really? Has a man appropriately WORN a jean jacket since 1985 unless his name is Steve Perry? And then the next, with the white stool.. hello senior photo. Do you suppose we think you were naturally walking by a white backdrop thinking "Oh look! A white stool!" Click. How natural you look! Now this 3rd fellow went with the Glamour shots and chose the "denim shirt/leather jacket" look for his 1st appealing photo. Perhaps his motivation was David Hasselhoff? And who DOESN'T want to bone the HOFF? Nothing says sexy like the David Hasselhoff look. I only wish that this single gent had left a few buttons undone so I could see that oh-so-sexy chest forest. What woman can POSSIBLY resist? And if you have any qualms, please check out the oh-so-overboard tuxedo look. Is that James Bond or my new husband? I can't decide. But then if the Glamour Shots aren't for you, no worries, because this Glamour-shot man is secretly a pirate!! Yes indeed, he dresses as a pirate on his off days, perhaps when he's not out in his tuxedo or rushing around in his Kitt trans am.

Ladies... meet Douchey Von Weirdo!

My latest eharmony psycho... and YES, I'm convinced that eharm is NOTHING but psychos, has garnered the moniker "Douchey von Weirdo".. so Mr. Weirdo, or Douchey as I like to call him is a nurse. This man is delivering meds and helping sick people, which is frightening. Then again, he is a nurse in an adolescent psychiatric ward. Maybe he's taking his work home with him?

So Douchey and I start with the back-and-forth communication. Ok.. good.

Then it's the open communication. Ok..good.

Then we get to the phone calls & our first phone conversation is fantastic. Ok...good.

We agree to meet on Sunday, which leaves oh... 4 days for this asswipe to mess it up with his stupid text messages. Enter...the land of psycho where men like Douchey send text messages straight out of the Norman Bates files.

First text that started to annoy me: "How was your day princess?"

Um... princess? Okay, before I'm accused of being heartless, keep this one thing in mind - I'VE. NEVER. MET. THIS. GUY. You don't use terms of endearment for people you don't know. And frankly, I've never even really been one to use them in relationships. I think "babe" is about the most creative I get. And princess? That term does NOT fit me, but I let the princess comment go...for now.

But everything he starts asking is physical - he asks me for more pictures, even though I have EIGHT on my profile. Why would you need or want more pictures?

Then the weirder messages started like, "Are you going to dress casual or sexy on our date?" Um.. you'll find out? "Do you like to snuggle?" Uh sure, great fabric softener. "What are your tender spots?" Tender spots? Well actually, the back of my ankle hurts. Oh wait. He means "turn-on" spots. Um... again, we've never met, to which I tell him that guys will find that out IN DUE TIME.

Then he asks if I'm a good kisser. DUH. Does anyone NOT think they are a good kisser? But more importantly, WHY ARE YOU ASKING? I made it abundantly clear in our communications that I wasn't looking to "hook up" and yet all he does is ask questions that someone looking to hook up would ask.

So after about 3 "princesses" and the "tender spots" comes my my personal favorite creeper question: "Do you have pretty hands and feet?" (EWWWWWWWWW!). I question if he has a fetish and he tells me "Yes! Pretty hands and feet do it for me." I'm speechless. I change the subject. The next day, his stupid texts continue, so now IT IS ON!! I decide to mess with him.

Douchey: You are a good kisser?

Me: The lucky ones find out.

Douchey: You're fresh.

Me: Like lettuce?

(I mean seriously, has anyone used the term 'fresh' since 1992 ... 'Yo holmes to Bel Air!' Fresh Prince variety?)

Douchey: No!! Just fresh!

Me: No.. I'm what they call 'cheeky'

Douchey: No.. fresh.

(And now I've got Kool & the Gang in my head: "She's fresh, so fresh! Exciting! She's so inviting to me....)

Me: Well fresh things are good for people.

Douchey: Yes they are princess (Barf. This about the 4th time he's called me princess. I decide if he can call me princess, then I can come up with a 'pet' name for him as well. Hmmm.. king? No.. too old sounding. Prince? Uh.. too Disney... Duke? No, that's like the university... Wait... I think I got it.....)

Me: Indeed you are correct, Captain!

(What? I mean.. captain? Oh Captain, my captain? LOL.. I am SUCH a smart ass.. this can't be good)

Douchey: Send me a picture to my phone so I can see that beautiful smile again. (no reply to the captain comment, by the way)

(Sigh.. okay, at this point, I'm pissed with the picture requests. Seriously. You've seen me)

Me: The picture-sending portion of this program has concluded. Meaning... I have no makeup on, I look like crap, and you have 10 pics of me at your disposal.

Douchey: Stop it! I'm bringing my camera. Get ready for the photo shoot.

(Uh... WHAT? Are you kidding me? Okay, at this point, I DO think he's joking, but there is this other side of me who envisions him posing us for a photo with matching sweaters for his holiday cards, maybe with antler head bands and red noses. Weirdo. Time to f*&k with him some more...)

Me: Uh, no. I don't do photos unless it's for cash.

Douchey: So do you dress up and dance?

Me: (changing subject) So what are the 3 top things you look for? in a woman?

Douchey: 1 - Ability to hold a conversation 2 - Affectionate 3 - Can be just as comfortable with silence.

Me: Darn. I came so close. Too bad I'm an uptight, no sense-of-humor-having bitch. Otherwise, I'm in!

Douchey: Yes you are (Ooooh, so he DOES detect my sarcasm?) I wonder what your hugs are like.

(okay.. did he just SAY that? 'I wonder what your HUGS are like?' Are there different styles of hugging now? Do I need to learn how to hug a certain way to know what kind of hugging is GOOD hugging? What's bad hugging? Like that awkward way you hug someone in middle school and don't know where to put your hands? I mean, would you break up with someone for being a bad... hugger?)

Me: All in good time...

Okay, that pretty much did it and I haven't texted Douchey and he hasn't texted me. My gut tells me that he gave up. Did he think I would change my "NO HOOK UP" stance when I told him, right from the start that wasn't me? Or is he one of these guys that has NO social skills and gives off the creeper vibe? Whatever it is... I am glad Mr. Von Weirdo is gone.

Dating sucks this week.

Just don't LOOOOVE your pets, guys!

Um... there really are no words for this one. Okay guys, WHAT are you thinking when you post a picture like this as your MAIN picture on your profile on a dating site? Are you thinking that the ladies will LOVE your oh-so-stylish German Shepherd shirt? Seriously? This is about one step away from the now infamous 3 wolves shirt that became a hit on Amazon.com. But this my friends is scarier because this guy is NOT kidding. His profile mentions that his family loves German Sheperds. Really? I never would have guessed...

And I might add, in addition to this fab photo, there were 3 others... of the dog, 3 of this fine fellow, but 3 of the dog too. Am I going to date you or your dog? Are you thinking the ladies will see this and SWOON over your dog-loving nature? Think you're the sensitive man with the cute doggie shirt? Does he think this is REMOTELY attractive? If your main picture is supposed to show you in your BEST light, am I to expect that we will be sitting across from each other and as we enjoy a nice drink or a light meal I get to stare at... that dog shirt?

The truth is, we see this and think, "This is a guy who is WAY too into his dog." And that's just weird. Now you know why you are single. Hope you and the dog will be very happy.

On a positive note.. have a new date I'm actually excited about (no animal photos in his profile - yeah). We'll call him *Sam. Sam is a fellow teacher and we hit it off on the phone. Hoping the chemistry continues tomorrow night...

Two dates, Two duds.

Yikes, it's been a scary week. 1st up was my date with *Rob. Now Rob sounded promising - good career (cop), another "good on paper" kind of guy. Now, I'm back on Eharmony AND Match at the same time, cuz a girl's gotta keep her options going, right? Well if you're familiar with Eharmony, there is a back-and-forth question/answer period and I was a bit concerned when Rob asked me "What are your opinions on traditional gender roles?" It seemed like an odd question for a guy to ask. I actually choose that question because I definitely want a guy who is supportive of my career. When I asked him about it later he talked about how he was totally fine with a woman working, etc. Okay, gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So we decide to do my standard Starbucks meeting. He shows up looking like he rolled right out of bed. Hoodie sweatshirt, wrinkled baggy khakis and his eyes were red... like looked like he was drunk red. WTF?? The conversation was actually pretty good, so I decide - give him a chance. He's a cop, maybe he worked some long hours? Who knows? We decide we are going to meet up and play tennis about 4 days later. In the meantime, we engage in some phone conversations that basically made this go from potential to "OH HELL NO" in 2 phone calls.

I asked him if he wanted to bet on dinner playing tennis - that loser had to cook dinner sometime in the future and he said, "Well I don't cook". You're 31 and you don't cook? WTH? I said, "Well fine you can take me out" and he says "Yeah, but I'm a poor cop." Uh.. well dating sort of involves... going out. But then he says, well let's not play tennis and basically says, SERIOUSLY to me, "Well how about I come over Thursday and you can cook me dinner." Um.. no. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? He hasn't even taken me out yet. He kept saying "I'm a poor cop". Yeah.. NEXT. If you have no money, don't date. I don't mean it wrong, but we don't have to go to the fanciest places, but you should be able to take a girl out for dinner, ya know? I don't make the most money and have a job that pays comparable to what he makes, so WTH? Damn it. Then he started texting me at 11pm at night.. stuff that was too racy and I gave him the heave-ho.

Next up was *Adam. This dude tells me on the phone how he's in school and really motivated, blah blah blah. Met in person (another coffee house meeting) and he tells me he's only in community college, taking 090 classes (um... those are high school classes) that he didn't do well in school and partied too much and that he's only taking 8 credit hours because "what's the rush?" Well, you're 28 dude. It's time to get your shit together.

(Sigh).. My luck just sucks right now. I would think that there would be a guy on my level out there. I don't ask for anything more than what I have in myself - successful, motivated, well-mannered, educated, etc... I'm beginning to think he does NOT exist!!