1st date back but "eh"

So had my first date back in the scene. Lemme tell you, I MISS having a relationship!!! UGH, but I also know that this is what I have to go through (again) to find that loving relationship I really want. I don't think I was really at my best on the date - meaning, I was hopeful, but I was also kinda "eh" about the whole thing, but felt like I needed to get back out there. Had a great conversation with *Glen on the phone, and he's VERY my type on paper, but I'm not sure if the sparks were there. He's a bit older than I - 11 years, and that might be the problem. We're kinda in different places in life. But ya know, 1st dates are often awkward. I just didn't get that "fun" sense of humor that I think is so crucial. I think the WORST offense of the night though was the cell-phone checking. I get that you have kids and you need to check messages, but then also checking for messages from work, constantly.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Put the phone away. Then he wanted to show me all these apps on his iphone. Snooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzze. He showed me a level, and then some other ones I can't remember because I was sleeping and talking at the same time. LOL.. I had IMMEDIATE red flags because my ex was a phone-o-holic and it used to drive me INSANE. (sigh) The worst part is he kept saying, "I know this is rude but..." Yeah, you're right. It IS rude!!! UGH..

I'm not enjoying dating. I'm hoping I'll meet a guy soon who will change my mind about that!

Beware of "The EX BOMB"!!

You KNOW the ex bomb.

It's frightening...

It lurks every day after your breakup...

It arrives when you least expect it...

The scenario: You've been broken up for a while. You're moving on. You're feeling pretty sassy. Lost the 15 lbs you ate in chocolate after your breakup. You're healthier, happier and suddenly... you relax. That's when the bomb arrives.

Yes, friends - It happened yesterday. I was email bombed by my ex, Hal.

Now, the relationship didn't end well. Basically, I was fed up with his shit. Over 3 months we went from him loving me so much he wanted to fly me home 3-days early over Christmas break to him not caring if he saw me after being away 9 days and needing his "alone" time. Well he has all the ALONE time he can handle right now, doesn't he? Anyway, things didn't end happily. I finally found my balls (I had lost them, found em' hiding on a shelf) and told him to go sort out his life and BE ALONE if that's what he wants because I want a full-time ADULT relationship and the childish games are over. (You're proud of me just reading this aren't you?) So weeks have gone by and then came.. the email bomb:

Hal: "I am still sorry I sent that to your work email. I was just wondering if you heard anything about the layoffs and if you were affected. I have *my daughter next week for 10 days. *My ex-wife is moving down here in June so this will be easier."

BOMB!!!!!!!!!! Damn it. You stare at the bomb. You can't believe you have one. It happens when you least expect it and it's so innocent looking. It's right there - OMG.. LOOK at the bomb!!! You wring your hands. You wipe the sweat off your brow. You calm down and contemplate your choices:

A - Ignore the bomb and delete it
B - Watch the bomb tick in the inbox of your email and drive you insane. Analyze the bomb with other girlfriends.
C - Detonate the bomb by replying back

I chose a B/C combo because I'm clearly an idiot.

My reply: "Well the email is the LEAST of what you should be sorry for over the past few months, but hey, I'll take what I can get. No, I didn't get laid off this year, so YEAH..good news. I've had bigger things to worry about though with my dad's surgery (he's fine). I'm glad you'll have your daughter, that's awesome for you, and her being closer can only be a good thing for all of you."

(Sigh).. the bombing is becoming like freakin' Iraq now, more and more bombs... His reply: "I am not sure what you are talking about there... I didn't do anything. I know you have accused me of messing around which is not true. So I guess I am sorry that you feel that way about me. Well I am glad you didn't get laid off and that your dad is fine. I hope everything is ok."

Now, after receiving THAT bomb, my anger went through the roof of course "I didn't do anything"??? SERIOUSLY???? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?? Did you really just say that to me?? And then I realize what an idiot I am and that ignoring and deleting the bomb would've been the smartest choice, because children are children and will never realize the error of their ways until they grow up.

My final reply: "No need to rehash anything, we just don't envision the same kind of relationship that we want to be in, clearly. Thanks for the concern about my dad & job. Have tons of fun with your daughter and I'm glad things are working out for you."

General resolution? WASTE OF TIME, because he's learned nothing and me - I'm done teaching lessons for the day.

Now, ex bombs arrive in MANY different packages, so please be wary. One Christmas-card bombed me once. That's the after-several-years-bomb with a pleasant, "Hey Merry Christmas, gimme a call sometime" bomb enclosed. I detonated that one too only to find out he was still married and flirting. See? Do not detonate!

Please feel free to comment on your own "bombs"...

Oh no you did NOT call me a COUGAR!!

(Sigh)... I'm never quite able to grasp the male mind somedays. Why? Just "why?" I ask.

First email from Yankee: I could have alot of fun with you hehehe :)

And like I said in my last post... WTF does THAT mean?

My reply: Oh yeah? Well what would we do?

LOL.. my profile is pretty extensive but that's 100% me. Now, I looked at what you're looking for and I'm a lady with a few extra lbs.. I mean... I look like my pics, those are all recent.. the one with the sunglasses was taken last week so that's how long my hair is now. I'm just checkin' cuz ya know, ya' like what ya like : ) With that said, you have a nice smile. Are you from NY, hence the moniker? Of course NOONE is usually from this state who lives here.. lol I'm from Michigan... so I'm a hardcore Michigan fan, yes, even the Lions, even though I'm embarassed to admit that! So tell me about this fun time...

His reply?: well i like a few extra lbs's, gives me something to hold on to LOL and you know Ive always had a fantasy about being with a mature women!!! Cougar town!!

Can you say... douchebag? I can boys and girls!! I would personally like to nominate this guy for douchebag of the week! Oh no he didn't say "something to hold on to" or call me a freakin' cougar at the age of 35 (he's 29). Now I'm fat and old. Thanks.

Two syllables for you buddy: Buh-bye

Although I'm still not sure if I'm more offended by the cougar comment or that he used the plural form of "woman" referring to the singular being me, but ya know... that might just be me.

The dating is back ON!!!!!!!

Oh, dating, how in many ways, I have missed you! After some hemming and hawing back & forth with Hal... it's really, truly completely over. Basically, I went off on him, which he totally had coming. And what I said, was what I really felt and damn it felt goooooooooooooood as helllllllllll. I'll tell you one thing, I'm a lady who knows when to throw in a towel, and it was time. He wanted his "alone time" and ya know what... now he has PLENTY of time for it, cuz well... he can BE alone now. I'm movin' on. For once, I haven't looked back and have slowly felt him dripping from my mind. Treat me badly once, shame on you. Treat me badly twice, 3 times, 4, and then try to punish me with childish games? Suck it. That's my saying, anyway.

So back to Match.com and two prospects going now. One we'll call "Yankee". Yankee emailed me but his email says, "I could have a lot of fun with you... hehehe". Now, is that awkward guy-speak, or really creepy, leechy code speak for "I wanna have fun in your pants"? The two languages are so similar, I'm having trouble decoding! Or maybe I've just been out of the game for too long.

My other prospect, we'll call "Baller" cuz according to his profile, he's got EVERYTHING I'm looking for, which of course means, he'll probably ignore me or it'll never work out.. LOL. Call me pessimistic!! UH.. I always hate that though, when you find that PERFECT profile, the one that rings "WOW, we are PERFECT for each other!" and then either he never contacts you or you talk on the phone and he's smoking weed (see previous posts).. it's always something (mental disorders). So here's to hopeful beginnings ladies and gents!!!

Here I go again on my own!! Thank you Whitesnake!

Though no rolling around on hoods of cars for me. Well, not yet.. lol. I officially signed back up for Match.com today, although it was a freak accident. My profile has been hidden for a while and I went in to just update pictures and my profile. All of the sudden I was getting all these winks and emails! Weird.. I guess when I updated it activated the profile, so I figured "Oh what the hell am I waiting for?" and so.. I'm back on match which is terrifying and sorta intriguing at the same time. Although the guy I emailed a bit today... UGH... tax accountant. I've had more exciting conversation with a salad bar. Although why I was talking to that salad bar is perplexing...

No, I was asking the usual questions and his responses were sooooo boring. UGH.. really? I guess what did I expect to find that awesome guy right off the bat? I'm quite confident I'll run into many more funny stories before the right one comes along. But who knows? LOL... but we're off and running and we'll see what happens.

Getting over a breakup sucks!!

Breakups suck. That's all there is to it. After my break-up there was the inevitable regret, but I knew that would happen. Somehow, all the hurt starts to melt and you miss the good parts, but the truth was, the last 3 months were mostly the bad - crying because I felt rejected and unloved. In fact, I don't even remember the last time Hal told me I looked pretty or paid me an honest compliment. I knew I would have those "regret" moments, and I still do have moments of sadness, but truth is... I did the right thing. Hal didn't realize how much he was hurting me, and I don't think he really cared. How can I be with someone who doesn't care? Oh, but the break-ups suck. I'm concentrating on ME right now. I don't even want to THINK about dating. Although the other day while jogging, a guy was checking me out and said "hello" and smiled. That was enough and made me feel good. I'm working out and making a huge overhaul to how I eat - cutting out high fructose corn syrup, eating organic, and I'm doing strength-training and jogging/walking each week, basically working out every single day because it's keeping me sane. It's keeping my endorphins up and it's keeping me occupied. Oh - and it's making me feel better about myself, and I'm losing weight - 4 lbs this week. I'm also reading, doing hobbies - anything and everything to keep me from just thinking about Hal. And I'm noticing every day, it gets a little easier.

Today was tough - went out to get some food and there were two couples and the one husband was just affectionately rubbing his wife's back. Just an arm around her, but that affection, that genuine love was so evident in that simple gesture. I hadn't had that from Hal is soooo long. That hurt. I needed to hear something positive. I know I was the one who usually said "I love you" first. I think Hal needs to be alone right now. As for me - I need to move on. And I'm working on that, day by day.

From "we" to just "me" again.

This time around I was the one who did the breaking up, but that doesn't make it any easier. It happened 4 days ago, yet it's all I can think about. The only pervading thought is - I did the right thing, and in that I find comfort.

I loved Hal very much, more than any man in my entire life, but me loving him that much doesn't a relationship make. It can't always be one person. The final straw was Sunday. I had been visiting my family and been gone for 9 days. The whole time there I was thinking of him, buying him souvenirs and things. When I returned, he was out of town in Vermont for a grad class. He returned at 1:30pm on Sunday. After not seeing me for 9 days, I was excited ... SO excited to see him. At 1:30, he texted me and told me he landed and I asked, "When should I come over?" His response: "I don't know". About 1/2 hour later I question this "I don't know" and he tells me 'I don't know. I have a lot to do." I don't know about you, but to me, that was a pretty clear sign. And the "lot to do" was him looking for a credit card he'd been looking for for 2 weeks (so hello - why wouldn't you look for that while I'm gone)?? And doing laundry. He blew me off for about 5 hours and then said to come over. When we went to dinner, I asked him if he missed me and his response was, "Eh, just a little". But he wasn't joking. He saw my deflated look and said, "Did you heard me?" And I responded, "Uh, yes, I heard you." And he said, "Well I did miss you a little. I was just really busy."

And there it is - the past 3 months have been like this. Almost the same thing happened on Valentine's Day. I surprised my man with a dinner of NY strips & potatoes and I dressed in a little "something special" and my man basically chuckled, proceeded to eat his dinner, pay his bills and do anything but be with me. Finally after oh - a few hours in this "outfit" I changed. It was humiliating.

I noticed a change. The first few months of our relationship he was all about "us" talking about taking vacations together, doing things together and was all about the "we". The last few months I noticed he started saying things like "Next St. Patty's day I'm going to Ireland with my friend." And we had never been on a trip together. He went from saying that we should go see his parents and he wanted me to meet his brother, to him taking those trips by himself. I understand being gone for trips and wanting "alone" time, but we went from spending nearly every day together to spending maybe 2-3 days a week together. He also starting hanging out in the bar, alone or with this beer club he belonged to. The problem with that was - these aren't his friends. He didn't really have friends here - they are all in his hometown. Now, I'm all for a girls' night or guys' night out... absolutely! But he would go and hang, by himself, in the bar. When I would go out with my friends, he would get pissy with me and pick a fight. Once he told me he had all this custody stuff to work on (and true, that's been a huge stress), but then the next day we chat all day over email and he says nothing, until 5:00pm when I post I'm meeting a friend for after work drinks, and boy does he get mad. Then he claims he is done with his "custody stuff" and could've gone out with me... well then, why didn't you tell me all day while we were talking? Cuz he was full of shit. He wanted to see me when he wanted to see me, turning me into a "sometimes" girlfriend. I'm nobody's "sometimes" girlfriend.

It turned into this push me away, pull me in type of thing and I was just done. It's too much to even write the whole thing, but his actions and words told me that he wasn't in a place for this relationship, and I value myself to know that I'm worth a whole lot more than taking whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. I understand he has a lot of issues right now with his ex and his custody stuff, but instead of letting me be his partner in that, he pushed me away. I should've been the person he wanted to escape WITH, to relax WITH, to be WITH as he went thru this, but I wasn't. I think his anger with his ex just consumed every good part of him and he couldn't see around that. I hope that one day he's able to let that go, but I'm not willing to settle for "what I can get" and I was tired of being more unhappy than I am happy.

What I learned is that I deserve to be loved and missed and adored and... all of that! And also - don't get involved with a man in the middle of custody issues!! I know it's no fairy tale, but dang - my man should at least miss me after 9 days! Heck, I miss my man when he's gone for just a weekend! I started to see that this was a one-sided love and that, they say... is history.

The thought of dating again though is NOT a fun one, so I'm spending my time just for ME, losing a few lbs, eating right, exercising, reading some good books and going out with my friends and finding my "fun" again. I know it will return : ) And I know I did the right thing, because bottom line - I'm worth it.