Have a plan dude.

First my apologies for my lack of posting. Hasn't been a lack of dating...I took myself off the market for a little bit because I'm working 3 jobs. Had 2 dates, both boring as all hell. Yeah, a girl's gotta date, but a girl's gotta' pay the bills first.

With that said, I'm back out there now!! Tonight will be a new date with *Jay.

Not sure how to look at this. There is a cynical part of me that's in bitter mode over dating lately. I'm at that point where I get sick of the first date ritual. I'm not a country fan, but the song, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" pretty well sums it up.

Jay... well maybe I'm being a little crestfallen after my last 2 dates (duds)... both old, boring fellows posting 10 year old pictures! UGH...But Jay is from the south, and I have to admit, my hickdar is beeping, a little. But it remains to be seen whether that's just his accent, or... HE'S A HICK, and I should run to the hills. The main issue - conversation with him is BOR-ING on the phone. But ladies, I'm sticking to the date because everyone keeps justifying this: "Maybe he's just nervous." "Maybe he's not a good phone talker." Hmmm.. or maybe he's... boring?

But I will give the benefit of the doubt and I'm meeting him for coffee. I dodged the dinner bullet on this, but really, he didn't give me much choice. I'm the one who had to plan this, and I HATE HATE HATE having to take the upper hand on a first date. It makes me feel like I'll have to do this all the time, and I like a "man's man" who takes charge (read between the lines on that one, but guys should know... ladies believe this translates EVERYWHERE). I like a guy who says, "Can I take you out to dinner, or would you like to ...." Here's more our phone convo:

Me: "So would you still like to go out tonight?"

Him: "yeah, they would be great."

Silence......

Me: "So um... what did you have in mind."

Him: "Um... I'm not really sure...."

Silence....

Me: "Well how about we meet for coffee or a drink?"

Him: "yeah sure, that sounds good."

Silence....

Me: "Okay, well how about we meet at..."

And of course I give the place and time. Again, giving the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he's new to online dating and he figures I'll be more comfortable if I make the date (justifying...again). Or... maybe he's BORING. I'll give you one guess how excited I am about this date.... (sigh)... But I promise to be my awesome, shining, shaved-leg and all self because I'm certainly going to put the best ME out there. I just hope his best is better than what I've heard so far.

Why breakups sucky sucky long time.

I broke up with *Hal months ago, but really finally said "goodbye" for good just about a month ago, and here's what I realize...there is nothing worse than being female and the after-effects of a breakup.

Why?

Because he's just a boy. He don't understand.

What would we do without Beyonce? I'm just sayin'...

Being a female SUCKS because of hormones and emotions and all that shit, because what happens? Those feelings creep back in, because I LOVED him. But what hurts the most? Realizing, finally, that he doesn't and probably never did love me. There, I said it. Sucky sucky.

And that's the hardest message of all to receive, and finally accept, as I'm FINALLY doing. He didn't love me, at least, not in the way I deserved and really, fuck it, that fucker loved his cat and treated that cat better than me. It certainly received more attention. (Deep breath...focus)

But what can you do to stop that person you loved from creeping into your thoughts? You see other couples holding hands. Your mind starts to wander and the WORST feeling of all is envisioning him with another girl. That's the dagger through the heart right there, thinking of him loving someone else more/better/etc. (Insert psycho thoughts....)

But then I'm also realizing one important point about my breakup. I did the right thing. No matter how I over-analyze this in my girl brain. No matter how many times I sit and want to call or email him or text him and shake him back and forth and say, "LOVE ME THE WAY I DESERVED!!!" (Can't I indulge in one or two psycho thoughts?) I can't force him. And he doesn't. So there it is. I did the right thing because he didn't love me. Had I continued, I might have wasted years just settling for something that wasn't everything I know I deserve.

What I deserve: A man who misses me when I'm gone. Who holds me and doesn't think about his phone. Who puts me as a priority every day (or heck, at least every few days). Who values what's wonderful about me - my kind heart, my thoughtfulness and my compassion and doesn't take advantage of that. I deserve someone who LOVES me and really understands me. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him.

I'm willing to sacrifice being alone to get it. Why? Because I love myself and I value myself. I don't find my worth in a man. I don't determine how I feel about myself every day because of how HE makes me feel. And most importantly, I follow my own cardinal rule - I DO NOT chase boys. If a boy ain't chasin' you back - he doesn't care about you. And finally, it's time to just give it up, completely, and I think that was the hardest part for me, because once I find that new guy, that amazing guy, Hal will be forgotten. And damn it...sometimes it's hard to let go (really, this is the makings of a GREAT country song, dontcha think?)

On a bright note, I've met another southern guy on Match, so we'll see how this goes when I return to NC and we can go out on a date. That'll be at least a week, so hold onto your britches till then. LOL.. summer vacation has been interesting too!! LOL.. being home in Michigan has brought back... lots of er... people from the past. Will write more later though.

Real boys do not sparkle... oh the Twilight effect!

In honor of the release of Eclipse, I've decided to blog about the whole franchise. I thought the books and the movies were ok (though Eclipse I thought was the best one). My beef is, teenagers are eating this crap up, expecting guys to REALLY talk and act like this. Isn't this the problem with Hollywood? We're fed this picture of what love "is" and when Edward Cullen doesn't arrive, we're completely deflated and bummed. So listen up, because I have 35 years of knowledge under my belt and I'm going to give you the REAL lowdown on men.

Men are not sparkly (I've looked), nor do they speak in the hopeless romantic dialogue of this movie. They do not sit in flowery fields reading poetry with you, lightly brushing your hair from your face, endlessly staring into your eyes, trading kisses, hugging and caressing each other's lips in the sparkly sunlight. Unless there's the promise of a blow job in that field (or a ball game)...it's not gonna happen.

In real life, Edward is refusing to sleep with Bella because he's secretly gay (or boning someone on the side). The suffering victim of unrequited love, Jacob, would bone Bella's friends in her high school to make her jealous. Or get some skanky girlfriend off the reservation because that's the quickest way to overcome those feelings. Bella would get pissed that Edward won't sleep with her and go and bitch to all her friends in school who would spread gay rumors. Then Edward would HAVE to sleep with her to prove his non-gayhood. Bella's friends would be talking MAJOR shit about how controlling Edward's behavior is (hi, STALKER!) and one of them would go to the school counselor. Oh, and they'd probably say the whole family is a bunch of alcoholics based on the red/yellow eyes and they would stage an intervention and have them all on the A&E show pleading with them to get help.

Nope, men are just men. They like to smell something disgusting and say, "Here... smell this." They like sports and to smack the tops of door frames when they walk through them. They are pretty simple - they like you, they call you. They don't, they'll still try to have sex with you, but they won't call you except for that. Now, don't get me wrong, yes men DO fall in love and when they do, it's the little things - buying your favorite things, helping you fix things around the house, and maybe the occasional flower-buying. Those gestures ARE romance and ladies, if you're expecting him to recite love poems and to gaze longingly at you 24/7, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed when football season rolls around, because the only thing he'll longingly gaze at is the TV. But that's men, God love em'.

Now, in honor of my Twilight-ish renaissance, I've decided to translate some "lines" from the movie (some are real, some are close), just so you REALLY know how this would go down in real life:

Edward:"Bella, you have captured my heart and my very soul. My world is nothing without you."
Real life: (Staring at her boobs) "You. Are. HOT."

Jacob: "Don't chose him. Choose me. I can make you blissfully, sublimly happy."
Real life: "That dude...is a douche."

Edward: "I have no soul. You have something that once it's gone can never be returned. I value your soul, even if you don't."
Real life: This would totally be some shit a guy would say to get you into bed, sorta like the "Of course I'll still respect you" line.

Edward: "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever."
Real life: "Yeah, yeah...I promise to love you forever. Yes, forever. And ever. And ever... oh look at that girl! Hey girl... my name is Ed what's yours? I got some um... oral skills I'd like to show you."

Jacob: "You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him."
Real life: "That guy is a douche."

Edward: "I'll protect you no matter what."
Real life: "I'll protect you, unless the game is on, cause you know... that's kinda important."

Edward: "Sleep my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You're the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
Real life: (I'm sorry, I'm off puking in a corner).

Sigh... isn't love grand?

Male Fashion Mistakes.. and NO! NOT you Tom Brady!

Isn't Tom hot? Ah.. I love this pic (thanks Google images!) I will admit, I'm kind of rigid when it comes to certain rules I have about guy's clothes. And I understand that women are the species who spend much more time on style and fashion. But is it really that difficult, guys? Shouldn't guys care a LITTLE about this stuff? At least for us? I mean, I've pretended to care about the golf swing of Phil Mickelson, which pitcher has a better ERA (see?), the new tool on sale at Sears, and the latest Best Buy guy gadget sale (yeah.. SEE?). I once stood in line for 2 hours at Best Buy while my boyfriend figured out which humongous over-the-top flat screen TV to buy. C'mon! Can I get maybe 15 minutes of thought in the fashion department? Khakis and a decent shirt can go a LONG way. The sad thing is all of the following are fashion crimes I have personally witnessed on dates. It's time to pull out your badges ladies... tell me what crimes YOU'VE personally witnessed!

I know some people LOVE certain looks, but um.. not me. And it's my blog. haha!

1. Never..EVER..Wear jeans with tennis shoes. Unless you are extensively walking a theme park, this look says old person. Sorry, I know some of my friends do this regularly. Don't worry, I would never make fun of you to your face. My momma raised me right.


2. No jean shorts. Ever.


3. No shells around your neck. Pooka shells or whatever you call them scream Jersey Shore a-hole.


4. Crappy t-shirts that look like they were very popular... in 1989. And I'm not talking vintage. I'm talking shirts you've BEEN wearing for the past 20 years.


5. Camouflage anything (see my legendary hick dates). Unless you're going to hunt on a date with me... um, no.


6. Bandannas. See Bret Michaels. Hide your hair plugs in other creative ways.


7. Ed Hardy shirts. I say, just wear a shirt that says, "I'm a douche who would sleep with your sister." See Jon Gosseling and Jesse James.


8. Your old football jersey. You're not in high school. Get over it. I'm convinced it's a secret ploy to get me in a cheerleading uniform anyway, ya perv...


9. Gold chains. Ya know.. necklaces on guys in general I'm just not digging, but lately at the pool it's been guidos with gold link chains on. Mr. T wants his look back. I pity da' foo who wears this crap.


10. Clipped on gadgets. I get that you love your gadgets, but leave em' off your ensemble. What this says to me: I'm a self-important jerk-off and probably will check my phone 20,000 times on our date.

BONUS: Okay, this isn't really clothing, but my latest beef? Guys in their 20's, 30's and beyond donning Justin Bieber hair. Has anyone seen Tom Brady lately? He Bieber'd his hair!!! Never has a guy made me lose a boner faster. See before/after pics above and you be the judge.

The power of the blonde?

The blonde is pretty incredible... I gotta say.

Here's what my first couple days as a blonde taught me:

1. Blonde renders men stupid, not the reverse. So stupid they don't read the requirements on my Match profile, so they don't see I won't date a smoker or someone without an education. Hence the email I received about 10 minutes after posting the new blonde pic:

Title: "Hi you are a pritty woman" (does anyone else just HEAR the banjo music?)
Email: "Well this is me and I LIKE A WOMAN that knows what she wants and I'm a out doors person love hunting, fishing, hicking, and takeing long walks with someone I care about"

Really dude? Why are you yelling the "I LIKE A WOMAN part? Latent gay feelings and want to clarify your sexual preference? And Hicking? Really... HICKING? Nuf' said...

2. Blonde = bar magnet. Okay, this one can be good and not so good. My first trip to the bar last night and the blonde is like a magnet for drinking dudes. Good if you're the type of blonde looking for action in a bar. Not so good if you're me (no, I'm not the action in the bar type. Well, not now anyway... haha).

First guy - "Wow, you're gorgeous" (note the blonde took me from "cute" to gorgeous).
Second guy - "Hey blondie"... (now I get another nickname)

Both were buying the drinks too. : )

So in conclusion, this blonde gig COULD be a money maker if the guys are willing to buy all my drinks, I mean, hell, the cost of going blonde is going to pay for itself... : )

Perhaps the downside is going to be the whole "They want to sleep with a Marilyn, but they marry the Jackie" curse. Who knows? At this point... who cares?

Blonde - FUN FUN FUN!!!

Thanks Kesha for the inspiration...

Yes, ladies, my love life can be summed up as blah, blah, blah (thanks Kesha)... still, I have to admit, things have been weird lately. I haven't felt like dating. (GASP) I know. Been in a wee bit of a funk, sorta down. So I took myself off the match.com market for about a week. Now I'm back on. Why? What magically gave me an epiphany and made me see the light? What force gave me the power to see a happy future, to envision a world where all that is dating is well and good? What powerful entity made me believe in myself and gave me the foresight of a better future and a wonderful tomorrow?


My hair bangin' stylist Stephanie (holla' girl.. just holla!).


She blondified me. I mean, I'm freakin' blonde-beyond-belief. I love it. It's given me a new identity, a new way to look at myself. At first I was thinking, "Whoa! Holly Madison!" (shut up, the hair not the body bitches), but then I realized that why not? Why not step outside of the box and live LIKE Holly, ya know, without the fake boobs, size 2 and Hugh Heffner-like sugar daddy (although with my financial situation, that does seem appealing). I mean, just be sassy and flirty and everything a blonde SHOULD be, mixed in with my awesome personality, ladies I can TOTALLY pull this off. And if I can't? If life over the next 6 weeks doesn't live up to expectation, well guess what? Color can be reversed!


I encourage more women to step outside of the "hair color" box. I know so many people who say "I'd love to be a blonde!" (insert red-head, brunette, pink highlights, whatever) but they never do it. It's amazing what a little trip to a bangin' hair stylist will do for the ego. Right now, I'm gonna honor the true blondes and use THEIR confidence, because that's what's been damaged by my last relationship. So here's to Marilyn and Holly and Gwenyth (Stefani and Paltrow!), Reese (and can I just PRAY to get a Gyllenhaall...yeah right), Cherize, and Carrie (Underwood). Those ladies rock the blonde and I will too!

As a blonde, I vow NOT to make mistakes of some other blondes. I will NOT:

• Show my goodies while getting in/out of a car (no Brittany, you can't blame your bodyguard)
• Flip off the Yankees (unless they are playing the Tigers... thanks Gaga)
• Pretend I don't know what Walmart is (yeah Paris)
• Do anything Heidi Pratt does

Next up in the project Me tales, try a new class...cardio Funk. Can I be funky? I mean, the type that doesn't require not showering, cuz that's a funky I can't get on board with. Can I bring the Detroit funk to a Charlotte gym? Let's hope. I mean, without the gang affiliations and tricked out hooptie.

Sage advice from someone married 46 years..

Namely my mom, who is visiting this week.

No one wants to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Girls don't chase boys. Boys chase them.

But there's something I have to tell you about mom. She has little dating experience, and that's true of most couples I know who have been married 30, 40, 50 years. They all married their high school or college sweethearts. My mom met my dad at 15. They married when she was 21, and that was SCANDALOUS because my mom "waited". My dad wanted to get married at 18.

My only beef is with the free milk adage. Here's the problem. Withholding the milk only withholds the milk for you too (ewww, that really went in a bad direction), but you get my drift. The other problem, and I will thank Eddie Murphy for this logic, is that when the guy finally gets the milk he's sooooo excited and can't get enough of the milk.... YEAH!! But then after a while, he's like hmmm... I just have regular milk. In fact, many men will start to think the milk is spoiled or crave other flavors of milk... I mean, why not soy milk? Get my point?

So you tell me, is the adage true? I think you have to properly withhold the milk for a while, but then ya know... make a milk shake. When milkshakes get old, make cheese (ewww..), okay, you get what I mean. Feel free to chime in. Cows/milk/free? I also believe in the adage "don't buy the car without taking it for a testdrive."