Next up: Awkward Pet Photos!

I love pets, really I do, but there's something just odd sometimes about the pet photos that guys post on the dating sites. Get this straight guys - we think pets are great, but they aren't children and ya know - there's something sort of weird about really "lovey" pictures of you with your pet (i.e. the guy above cradling his dog - WTF?). I think it's great to show a photo of your pet, yes ONE photo of your pet, but then, there's a fine line there. For instance, if you have 4 cats, you inadvertently look like the "crazy cat dude". You can't get around that label (though I will fully admit - I don't like cats). Now, I realize there are MANY people who do have lots of animals, but then, there are also a great many people who think having a lot of pets is a little... odd. Agree or disagree, I still feel pics like these have no place on the profile. Why? It's supposed to be the "best" you and these pics, let's face it will turn some women OFF. Personally, the cat one weirded me out because of the ghetto-looking steps and gas cans NEXT to the herd of cats, but maybe that's just me? And the dog-cradler? Well... that's some pet love I do NOT want anything to do with. He had a series of 3-4 pictures of him with his dogs. CREEPY, not cool.

The Shirtless Hall of Fame... the Meatheads: They lift things up and put dem' down!!

I'd like to enter these fine gentlemen in my newest honor on Dating Dudes & Duds: The Shirtless Hall of Fame, though the last gentleman admittedly looks pantless rather than shirtless, but semantics, ya know? We still feel he's deserving of this honor. My first gentleman, I've gotta say... when you are shopping for the love of your life, NOTHING screams 'pick me' more than a hot sexy pose in a... public bathroom (with stalls in full view!!!) How very.. George Michael of you sexy man! Gentleman #2 - well, let's face it, he rocks. And the third one of course seems to have forgotten his pants but of course, didn't forget his favorite wife beater (because, we all know it's not t-shirt tiiiiiiime quite yet), but perhaps my favorite part about this de-pants bachelor is that he oiled up for the photo shoot. Hmmm... I can smell the cocoa-butter. If you haven't seen the Planet Fitness video yet, just go to YouTube and search for "I pick things up and put them down"... 'nuff said.

Are you an equal opportunity dater?

Perhaps it's my age, my 21 years of dating, but damn it, I've had it. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm done. Of course, we all know in about a week this epiphany will expire like a dairy product, but for today, I'm done.

Right now, I'm in a state of ???. The state of ??? comes from meeting a guy that just makes you feel all ??? inside. Case in point, my latest dude/dud *Darren. Darren is actually the type of guy I've been DYING to meet since I moved here - intelligent, intelligent, intelligent. Intelligence to me is a turn-on. I mean, sure some physical attractiveness is important too, but a well-timed, well-educated quip or discussion on something intelligent.. that's what makes my heart go a-flutter.

Darren I met on eharm (subscription is expiring), went thru the usual mumbo-jumbo and then encountered my 1st email from Darren. No joke - it was PAGES long. In the span of a single email, and yes this was in the FIRST email sent he asked me all of the following:

What's your job? Do you like it? Do you watch American Idol? Any other shows you love to watch? I watch CSI. Ever watch it? When is your school year done? When is your break? Have you ever forked someone's house? Were you a trouble maker when you were younger? Now? (that's a long story...) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What type of dancing do you like to do? Have you taken classes? What's your guilty pleaure music band? Favorite band of all time? What brought you to the area? Do you have any siblings? Didn't Michigan just fire the football coach? Have you been to many professional sporting events? What type of dog did you have growing up? I know I missed a few too...

Now I've combined them all together to make a point - is this a job application?? Why not start asking me about my most successful relationship and what made it successful and what I've learned from my failures in life? What's my strength as a potential date and what do I have to offer my potential employer, er... husband?

Guys, keep it to a few well-placed questions. I feel like this guy is trying to find out EVERYTHING before wasting his time and the fact is, you'll know nothing about chemistry until you meet someone. Our 1st phone call was good, much more relaxed, less job application. But then our 2nd conversation yesterday is what has me all ???

I actually don't like to talk a lot before meeting. It's a waste of time if there is no chemistry. I've spent HOURS talking to a guy and then just not felt any chemistry upon meeting. So the 2nd conversation, I just didn't want to talk that much. He starts by talking about movies and basically starts dogging some movies that I really enjoyed, so I spoke up and said, "well I enjoyed that movie because..." He was dead silent, like I think he was offended that I (gasp) had an opinion and expressed it? I mean, sometimes you don't have to agree, why not just laugh at it? It was just one of those conversations where I felt that he wanted to argue/debate and I wasn't into it. Why would I want that? He just said some things I thought were sort of "belittling" like he said something along the lines of if I were around him and I were watching Jersey Shore he would have to leave the room. Yeah, well, leave and take the stick out of your ass while you're in the other room. Then once I expressed that I really loved Sex & the City, he started dissing that, saying that it's basically becoming Golden Girls. Okay, that was mildly funny. Oh, but then he also mentioned his ex wife... several times (RED FLAG!!!)

Then our 3rd conversation and he asks me how I liked having 3 snow days off work and I said "Well, all I learned is that I am NOT cut out to be a housewife. I was soooo bored." Again.. silence and then he says, "Well my ex wife was a housewife." My reply, "Yeah, well it's not for me. I was bored." And he continues to defend his wife saying she always had things to do, blah blah blah.. yeah, and they didn't have kids. Give me a break. The bottom line, the guy was LOOKING for any reason to exclude me. I think the guy is hung up on his ex or something, but whatever it is, I'm not feeling it and I told him so and gave him the heave-ho.

So hence... I'm done!

"Glamour Shots!" & "The Pirate"

I don't think that my friends TRULY understand how difficult dating is, particularly in the south, so I've decided to include a montage of photos featuring some of my favorites I've found in my online dating experience lately. Perhaps one day, one of these people will stumble upon this blog, but I hope that the understanding is this - my hope is to show you the error of your ways. I feel it is now my duty to educate the masses!! With that, my first beef - Glamour shots. You know, those cheesy mall photos of the 80's with the "fuzzy" picture appeal and ridiculously posed photos that wound up making you look, well, stupid? Hmmm.. so why would you use those photos as your profile pictures? Especially multiples of them side by side? I mean, take them one by one. Photo 1 - the "over the shoulder" jean jacket? Really? Has a man appropriately WORN a jean jacket since 1985 unless his name is Steve Perry? And then the next, with the white stool.. hello senior photo. Do you suppose we think you were naturally walking by a white backdrop thinking "Oh look! A white stool!" Click. How natural you look! Now this 3rd fellow went with the Glamour shots and chose the "denim shirt/leather jacket" look for his 1st appealing photo. Perhaps his motivation was David Hasselhoff? And who DOESN'T want to bone the HOFF? Nothing says sexy like the David Hasselhoff look. I only wish that this single gent had left a few buttons undone so I could see that oh-so-sexy chest forest. What woman can POSSIBLY resist? And if you have any qualms, please check out the oh-so-overboard tuxedo look. Is that James Bond or my new husband? I can't decide. But then if the Glamour Shots aren't for you, no worries, because this Glamour-shot man is secretly a pirate!! Yes indeed, he dresses as a pirate on his off days, perhaps when he's not out in his tuxedo or rushing around in his Kitt trans am.

Ladies... meet Douchey Von Weirdo!

My latest eharmony psycho... and YES, I'm convinced that eharm is NOTHING but psychos, has garnered the moniker "Douchey von Weirdo".. so Mr. Weirdo, or Douchey as I like to call him is a nurse. This man is delivering meds and helping sick people, which is frightening. Then again, he is a nurse in an adolescent psychiatric ward. Maybe he's taking his work home with him?

So Douchey and I start with the back-and-forth communication. Ok.. good.

Then it's the open communication. Ok..good.

Then we get to the phone calls & our first phone conversation is fantastic. Ok...good.

We agree to meet on Sunday, which leaves oh... 4 days for this asswipe to mess it up with his stupid text messages. Enter...the land of psycho where men like Douchey send text messages straight out of the Norman Bates files.

First text that started to annoy me: "How was your day princess?"

Um... princess? Okay, before I'm accused of being heartless, keep this one thing in mind - I'VE. NEVER. MET. THIS. GUY. You don't use terms of endearment for people you don't know. And frankly, I've never even really been one to use them in relationships. I think "babe" is about the most creative I get. And princess? That term does NOT fit me, but I let the princess comment go...for now.

But everything he starts asking is physical - he asks me for more pictures, even though I have EIGHT on my profile. Why would you need or want more pictures?

Then the weirder messages started like, "Are you going to dress casual or sexy on our date?" Um.. you'll find out? "Do you like to snuggle?" Uh sure, great fabric softener. "What are your tender spots?" Tender spots? Well actually, the back of my ankle hurts. Oh wait. He means "turn-on" spots. Um... again, we've never met, to which I tell him that guys will find that out IN DUE TIME.

Then he asks if I'm a good kisser. DUH. Does anyone NOT think they are a good kisser? But more importantly, WHY ARE YOU ASKING? I made it abundantly clear in our communications that I wasn't looking to "hook up" and yet all he does is ask questions that someone looking to hook up would ask.

So after about 3 "princesses" and the "tender spots" comes my my personal favorite creeper question: "Do you have pretty hands and feet?" (EWWWWWWWWW!). I question if he has a fetish and he tells me "Yes! Pretty hands and feet do it for me." I'm speechless. I change the subject. The next day, his stupid texts continue, so now IT IS ON!! I decide to mess with him.

Douchey: You are a good kisser?

Me: The lucky ones find out.

Douchey: You're fresh.

Me: Like lettuce?

(I mean seriously, has anyone used the term 'fresh' since 1992 ... 'Yo holmes to Bel Air!' Fresh Prince variety?)

Douchey: No!! Just fresh!

Me: No.. I'm what they call 'cheeky'

Douchey: No.. fresh.

(And now I've got Kool & the Gang in my head: "She's fresh, so fresh! Exciting! She's so inviting to me....)

Me: Well fresh things are good for people.

Douchey: Yes they are princess (Barf. This about the 4th time he's called me princess. I decide if he can call me princess, then I can come up with a 'pet' name for him as well. Hmmm.. king? No.. too old sounding. Prince? Uh.. too Disney... Duke? No, that's like the university... Wait... I think I got it.....)

Me: Indeed you are correct, Captain!

(What? I mean.. captain? Oh Captain, my captain? LOL.. I am SUCH a smart ass.. this can't be good)

Douchey: Send me a picture to my phone so I can see that beautiful smile again. (no reply to the captain comment, by the way)

(Sigh.. okay, at this point, I'm pissed with the picture requests. Seriously. You've seen me)

Me: The picture-sending portion of this program has concluded. Meaning... I have no makeup on, I look like crap, and you have 10 pics of me at your disposal.

Douchey: Stop it! I'm bringing my camera. Get ready for the photo shoot.

(Uh... WHAT? Are you kidding me? Okay, at this point, I DO think he's joking, but there is this other side of me who envisions him posing us for a photo with matching sweaters for his holiday cards, maybe with antler head bands and red noses. Weirdo. Time to f*&k with him some more...)

Me: Uh, no. I don't do photos unless it's for cash.

Douchey: So do you dress up and dance?

Me: (changing subject) So what are the 3 top things you look for? in a woman?

Douchey: 1 - Ability to hold a conversation 2 - Affectionate 3 - Can be just as comfortable with silence.

Me: Darn. I came so close. Too bad I'm an uptight, no sense-of-humor-having bitch. Otherwise, I'm in!

Douchey: Yes you are (Ooooh, so he DOES detect my sarcasm?) I wonder what your hugs are like.

(okay.. did he just SAY that? 'I wonder what your HUGS are like?' Are there different styles of hugging now? Do I need to learn how to hug a certain way to know what kind of hugging is GOOD hugging? What's bad hugging? Like that awkward way you hug someone in middle school and don't know where to put your hands? I mean, would you break up with someone for being a bad... hugger?)

Me: All in good time...

Okay, that pretty much did it and I haven't texted Douchey and he hasn't texted me. My gut tells me that he gave up. Did he think I would change my "NO HOOK UP" stance when I told him, right from the start that wasn't me? Or is he one of these guys that has NO social skills and gives off the creeper vibe? Whatever it is... I am glad Mr. Von Weirdo is gone.

Dating sucks this week.

Just don't LOOOOVE your pets, guys!

Um... there really are no words for this one. Okay guys, WHAT are you thinking when you post a picture like this as your MAIN picture on your profile on a dating site? Are you thinking that the ladies will LOVE your oh-so-stylish German Shepherd shirt? Seriously? This is about one step away from the now infamous 3 wolves shirt that became a hit on Amazon.com. But this my friends is scarier because this guy is NOT kidding. His profile mentions that his family loves German Sheperds. Really? I never would have guessed...

And I might add, in addition to this fab photo, there were 3 others... of the dog, 3 of this fine fellow, but 3 of the dog too. Am I going to date you or your dog? Are you thinking the ladies will see this and SWOON over your dog-loving nature? Think you're the sensitive man with the cute doggie shirt? Does he think this is REMOTELY attractive? If your main picture is supposed to show you in your BEST light, am I to expect that we will be sitting across from each other and as we enjoy a nice drink or a light meal I get to stare at... that dog shirt?

The truth is, we see this and think, "This is a guy who is WAY too into his dog." And that's just weird. Now you know why you are single. Hope you and the dog will be very happy.

On a positive note.. have a new date I'm actually excited about (no animal photos in his profile - yeah). We'll call him *Sam. Sam is a fellow teacher and we hit it off on the phone. Hoping the chemistry continues tomorrow night...

Two dates, Two duds.

Yikes, it's been a scary week. 1st up was my date with *Rob. Now Rob sounded promising - good career (cop), another "good on paper" kind of guy. Now, I'm back on Eharmony AND Match at the same time, cuz a girl's gotta keep her options going, right? Well if you're familiar with Eharmony, there is a back-and-forth question/answer period and I was a bit concerned when Rob asked me "What are your opinions on traditional gender roles?" It seemed like an odd question for a guy to ask. I actually choose that question because I definitely want a guy who is supportive of my career. When I asked him about it later he talked about how he was totally fine with a woman working, etc. Okay, gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So we decide to do my standard Starbucks meeting. He shows up looking like he rolled right out of bed. Hoodie sweatshirt, wrinkled baggy khakis and his eyes were red... like looked like he was drunk red. WTF?? The conversation was actually pretty good, so I decide - give him a chance. He's a cop, maybe he worked some long hours? Who knows? We decide we are going to meet up and play tennis about 4 days later. In the meantime, we engage in some phone conversations that basically made this go from potential to "OH HELL NO" in 2 phone calls.

I asked him if he wanted to bet on dinner playing tennis - that loser had to cook dinner sometime in the future and he said, "Well I don't cook". You're 31 and you don't cook? WTH? I said, "Well fine you can take me out" and he says "Yeah, but I'm a poor cop." Uh.. well dating sort of involves... going out. But then he says, well let's not play tennis and basically says, SERIOUSLY to me, "Well how about I come over Thursday and you can cook me dinner." Um.. no. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? He hasn't even taken me out yet. He kept saying "I'm a poor cop". Yeah.. NEXT. If you have no money, don't date. I don't mean it wrong, but we don't have to go to the fanciest places, but you should be able to take a girl out for dinner, ya know? I don't make the most money and have a job that pays comparable to what he makes, so WTH? Damn it. Then he started texting me at 11pm at night.. stuff that was too racy and I gave him the heave-ho.

Next up was *Adam. This dude tells me on the phone how he's in school and really motivated, blah blah blah. Met in person (another coffee house meeting) and he tells me he's only in community college, taking 090 classes (um... those are high school classes) that he didn't do well in school and partied too much and that he's only taking 8 credit hours because "what's the rush?" Well, you're 28 dude. It's time to get your shit together.

(Sigh).. My luck just sucks right now. I would think that there would be a guy on my level out there. I don't ask for anything more than what I have in myself - successful, motivated, well-mannered, educated, etc... I'm beginning to think he does NOT exist!!

Uh huh.

Conversation. It's a wonderful thing.

I just wish my recent date had learned how to engage in it. What I don't understand in life...jelly shoes, why people love Kathy Lee Gifford and how some guys acquire NO social skills in life.

Seriously, how do you NOT learn how conversation is attained. I talk. You listen and reply and perhaps add witty comments and ask questions. I listen and respond to what you say and perhaps add more and ask questions. You listen and reply in turn.

Simple right? Unless you are out with *Jay. Listen, Jay planned a GREAT date, don't get me wrong. I mean, how wrong can you be taking someone to the ballet? But you can't mask lack of personality with guys in tights, as entertaining as that was for 2 hours.

No, Jay has no social skills. Here is a snippet of what it's like to talk to Jay:

Me: "So how was work today?"

Jay: "It was good."

Silence...

Me: "Yeah my day was pretty busy. Something funny did..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Me: "Um... did happen today at work. I was in the middle of..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Me: "middle of class and one of my students raised his hand and..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Okay. WTF dude. Stop saying UH HUH!!! At least know that "uh huhs" are placed at intervals where there are PAUSES in conversation, not in the MIDDLE of sentences! Then when I finish, it's like he wasn't even listening and doesn't comment on what I said or respond to it in any way. He starts talking about something else entirely or there is just silence. It's like in Wayne's World 2 when Wayne & Garth are talking to the deejay about "Waynestock" and he isn't listening, and just keeps saying, "Uh-huh". THAT is Jay.

Then there are these horrible awkward silences. Tonight he calls me on the phone.

Jay: "What are you doing?" (a question, I'm impressed)

Me: "Watching something incredibly intellectual... Jersey Shore"

Silence.

Jay: "Yeah I was just finishing doing some cleaning."

Wow. You don't say.

I think the problem is, he doesn't listen to what I'm saying, so it comes across like he doesn't care. I think the guy is painfully shy & nervous, and ya know what though, at the age of 40.. you should have your shit together dude. I don't mean to sound so mean, but how do you manage 40 years on earth and not be able to hold a conversation? How did you ever get hired from a job interview? It's sad, because I think he's a nice guy, but I think he just lacks some skills, ya know? And at my age, I don't want to have to teach you. Too bad. Back to the dating pool we go.

Have a plan dude.

First my apologies for my lack of posting. Hasn't been a lack of dating...I took myself off the market for a little bit because I'm working 3 jobs. Had 2 dates, both boring as all hell. Yeah, a girl's gotta date, but a girl's gotta' pay the bills first.

With that said, I'm back out there now!! Tonight will be a new date with *Jay.

Not sure how to look at this. There is a cynical part of me that's in bitter mode over dating lately. I'm at that point where I get sick of the first date ritual. I'm not a country fan, but the song, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" pretty well sums it up.

Jay... well maybe I'm being a little crestfallen after my last 2 dates (duds)... both old, boring fellows posting 10 year old pictures! UGH...But Jay is from the south, and I have to admit, my hickdar is beeping, a little. But it remains to be seen whether that's just his accent, or... HE'S A HICK, and I should run to the hills. The main issue - conversation with him is BOR-ING on the phone. But ladies, I'm sticking to the date because everyone keeps justifying this: "Maybe he's just nervous." "Maybe he's not a good phone talker." Hmmm.. or maybe he's... boring?

But I will give the benefit of the doubt and I'm meeting him for coffee. I dodged the dinner bullet on this, but really, he didn't give me much choice. I'm the one who had to plan this, and I HATE HATE HATE having to take the upper hand on a first date. It makes me feel like I'll have to do this all the time, and I like a "man's man" who takes charge (read between the lines on that one, but guys should know... ladies believe this translates EVERYWHERE). I like a guy who says, "Can I take you out to dinner, or would you like to ...." Here's more our phone convo:

Me: "So would you still like to go out tonight?"

Him: "yeah, they would be great."

Silence......

Me: "So um... what did you have in mind."

Him: "Um... I'm not really sure...."

Silence....

Me: "Well how about we meet for coffee or a drink?"

Him: "yeah sure, that sounds good."

Silence....

Me: "Okay, well how about we meet at..."

And of course I give the place and time. Again, giving the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he's new to online dating and he figures I'll be more comfortable if I make the date (justifying...again). Or... maybe he's BORING. I'll give you one guess how excited I am about this date.... (sigh)... But I promise to be my awesome, shining, shaved-leg and all self because I'm certainly going to put the best ME out there. I just hope his best is better than what I've heard so far.

Why breakups sucky sucky long time.

I broke up with *Hal months ago, but really finally said "goodbye" for good just about a month ago, and here's what I realize...there is nothing worse than being female and the after-effects of a breakup.

Why?

Because he's just a boy. He don't understand.

What would we do without Beyonce? I'm just sayin'...

Being a female SUCKS because of hormones and emotions and all that shit, because what happens? Those feelings creep back in, because I LOVED him. But what hurts the most? Realizing, finally, that he doesn't and probably never did love me. There, I said it. Sucky sucky.

And that's the hardest message of all to receive, and finally accept, as I'm FINALLY doing. He didn't love me, at least, not in the way I deserved and really, fuck it, that fucker loved his cat and treated that cat better than me. It certainly received more attention. (Deep breath...focus)

But what can you do to stop that person you loved from creeping into your thoughts? You see other couples holding hands. Your mind starts to wander and the WORST feeling of all is envisioning him with another girl. That's the dagger through the heart right there, thinking of him loving someone else more/better/etc. (Insert psycho thoughts....)

But then I'm also realizing one important point about my breakup. I did the right thing. No matter how I over-analyze this in my girl brain. No matter how many times I sit and want to call or email him or text him and shake him back and forth and say, "LOVE ME THE WAY I DESERVED!!!" (Can't I indulge in one or two psycho thoughts?) I can't force him. And he doesn't. So there it is. I did the right thing because he didn't love me. Had I continued, I might have wasted years just settling for something that wasn't everything I know I deserve.

What I deserve: A man who misses me when I'm gone. Who holds me and doesn't think about his phone. Who puts me as a priority every day (or heck, at least every few days). Who values what's wonderful about me - my kind heart, my thoughtfulness and my compassion and doesn't take advantage of that. I deserve someone who LOVES me and really understands me. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him.

I'm willing to sacrifice being alone to get it. Why? Because I love myself and I value myself. I don't find my worth in a man. I don't determine how I feel about myself every day because of how HE makes me feel. And most importantly, I follow my own cardinal rule - I DO NOT chase boys. If a boy ain't chasin' you back - he doesn't care about you. And finally, it's time to just give it up, completely, and I think that was the hardest part for me, because once I find that new guy, that amazing guy, Hal will be forgotten. And damn it...sometimes it's hard to let go (really, this is the makings of a GREAT country song, dontcha think?)

On a bright note, I've met another southern guy on Match, so we'll see how this goes when I return to NC and we can go out on a date. That'll be at least a week, so hold onto your britches till then. LOL.. summer vacation has been interesting too!! LOL.. being home in Michigan has brought back... lots of er... people from the past. Will write more later though.

Real boys do not sparkle... oh the Twilight effect!

In honor of the release of Eclipse, I've decided to blog about the whole franchise. I thought the books and the movies were ok (though Eclipse I thought was the best one). My beef is, teenagers are eating this crap up, expecting guys to REALLY talk and act like this. Isn't this the problem with Hollywood? We're fed this picture of what love "is" and when Edward Cullen doesn't arrive, we're completely deflated and bummed. So listen up, because I have 35 years of knowledge under my belt and I'm going to give you the REAL lowdown on men.

Men are not sparkly (I've looked), nor do they speak in the hopeless romantic dialogue of this movie. They do not sit in flowery fields reading poetry with you, lightly brushing your hair from your face, endlessly staring into your eyes, trading kisses, hugging and caressing each other's lips in the sparkly sunlight. Unless there's the promise of a blow job in that field (or a ball game)...it's not gonna happen.

In real life, Edward is refusing to sleep with Bella because he's secretly gay (or boning someone on the side). The suffering victim of unrequited love, Jacob, would bone Bella's friends in her high school to make her jealous. Or get some skanky girlfriend off the reservation because that's the quickest way to overcome those feelings. Bella would get pissed that Edward won't sleep with her and go and bitch to all her friends in school who would spread gay rumors. Then Edward would HAVE to sleep with her to prove his non-gayhood. Bella's friends would be talking MAJOR shit about how controlling Edward's behavior is (hi, STALKER!) and one of them would go to the school counselor. Oh, and they'd probably say the whole family is a bunch of alcoholics based on the red/yellow eyes and they would stage an intervention and have them all on the A&E show pleading with them to get help.

Nope, men are just men. They like to smell something disgusting and say, "Here... smell this." They like sports and to smack the tops of door frames when they walk through them. They are pretty simple - they like you, they call you. They don't, they'll still try to have sex with you, but they won't call you except for that. Now, don't get me wrong, yes men DO fall in love and when they do, it's the little things - buying your favorite things, helping you fix things around the house, and maybe the occasional flower-buying. Those gestures ARE romance and ladies, if you're expecting him to recite love poems and to gaze longingly at you 24/7, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed when football season rolls around, because the only thing he'll longingly gaze at is the TV. But that's men, God love em'.

Now, in honor of my Twilight-ish renaissance, I've decided to translate some "lines" from the movie (some are real, some are close), just so you REALLY know how this would go down in real life:

Edward:"Bella, you have captured my heart and my very soul. My world is nothing without you."
Real life: (Staring at her boobs) "You. Are. HOT."

Jacob: "Don't chose him. Choose me. I can make you blissfully, sublimly happy."
Real life: "That dude...is a douche."

Edward: "I have no soul. You have something that once it's gone can never be returned. I value your soul, even if you don't."
Real life: This would totally be some shit a guy would say to get you into bed, sorta like the "Of course I'll still respect you" line.

Edward: "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever."
Real life: "Yeah, yeah...I promise to love you forever. Yes, forever. And ever. And ever... oh look at that girl! Hey girl... my name is Ed what's yours? I got some um... oral skills I'd like to show you."

Jacob: "You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him."
Real life: "That guy is a douche."

Edward: "I'll protect you no matter what."
Real life: "I'll protect you, unless the game is on, cause you know... that's kinda important."

Edward: "Sleep my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You're the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
Real life: (I'm sorry, I'm off puking in a corner).

Sigh... isn't love grand?

Male Fashion Mistakes.. and NO! NOT you Tom Brady!

Isn't Tom hot? Ah.. I love this pic (thanks Google images!) I will admit, I'm kind of rigid when it comes to certain rules I have about guy's clothes. And I understand that women are the species who spend much more time on style and fashion. But is it really that difficult, guys? Shouldn't guys care a LITTLE about this stuff? At least for us? I mean, I've pretended to care about the golf swing of Phil Mickelson, which pitcher has a better ERA (see?), the new tool on sale at Sears, and the latest Best Buy guy gadget sale (yeah.. SEE?). I once stood in line for 2 hours at Best Buy while my boyfriend figured out which humongous over-the-top flat screen TV to buy. C'mon! Can I get maybe 15 minutes of thought in the fashion department? Khakis and a decent shirt can go a LONG way. The sad thing is all of the following are fashion crimes I have personally witnessed on dates. It's time to pull out your badges ladies... tell me what crimes YOU'VE personally witnessed!

I know some people LOVE certain looks, but um.. not me. And it's my blog. haha!

1. Never..EVER..Wear jeans with tennis shoes. Unless you are extensively walking a theme park, this look says old person. Sorry, I know some of my friends do this regularly. Don't worry, I would never make fun of you to your face. My momma raised me right.


2. No jean shorts. Ever.


3. No shells around your neck. Pooka shells or whatever you call them scream Jersey Shore a-hole.


4. Crappy t-shirts that look like they were very popular... in 1989. And I'm not talking vintage. I'm talking shirts you've BEEN wearing for the past 20 years.


5. Camouflage anything (see my legendary hick dates). Unless you're going to hunt on a date with me... um, no.


6. Bandannas. See Bret Michaels. Hide your hair plugs in other creative ways.


7. Ed Hardy shirts. I say, just wear a shirt that says, "I'm a douche who would sleep with your sister." See Jon Gosseling and Jesse James.


8. Your old football jersey. You're not in high school. Get over it. I'm convinced it's a secret ploy to get me in a cheerleading uniform anyway, ya perv...


9. Gold chains. Ya know.. necklaces on guys in general I'm just not digging, but lately at the pool it's been guidos with gold link chains on. Mr. T wants his look back. I pity da' foo who wears this crap.


10. Clipped on gadgets. I get that you love your gadgets, but leave em' off your ensemble. What this says to me: I'm a self-important jerk-off and probably will check my phone 20,000 times on our date.

BONUS: Okay, this isn't really clothing, but my latest beef? Guys in their 20's, 30's and beyond donning Justin Bieber hair. Has anyone seen Tom Brady lately? He Bieber'd his hair!!! Never has a guy made me lose a boner faster. See before/after pics above and you be the judge.

The power of the blonde?

The blonde is pretty incredible... I gotta say.

Here's what my first couple days as a blonde taught me:

1. Blonde renders men stupid, not the reverse. So stupid they don't read the requirements on my Match profile, so they don't see I won't date a smoker or someone without an education. Hence the email I received about 10 minutes after posting the new blonde pic:

Title: "Hi you are a pritty woman" (does anyone else just HEAR the banjo music?)
Email: "Well this is me and I LIKE A WOMAN that knows what she wants and I'm a out doors person love hunting, fishing, hicking, and takeing long walks with someone I care about"

Really dude? Why are you yelling the "I LIKE A WOMAN part? Latent gay feelings and want to clarify your sexual preference? And Hicking? Really... HICKING? Nuf' said...

2. Blonde = bar magnet. Okay, this one can be good and not so good. My first trip to the bar last night and the blonde is like a magnet for drinking dudes. Good if you're the type of blonde looking for action in a bar. Not so good if you're me (no, I'm not the action in the bar type. Well, not now anyway... haha).

First guy - "Wow, you're gorgeous" (note the blonde took me from "cute" to gorgeous).
Second guy - "Hey blondie"... (now I get another nickname)

Both were buying the drinks too. : )

So in conclusion, this blonde gig COULD be a money maker if the guys are willing to buy all my drinks, I mean, hell, the cost of going blonde is going to pay for itself... : )

Perhaps the downside is going to be the whole "They want to sleep with a Marilyn, but they marry the Jackie" curse. Who knows? At this point... who cares?

Blonde - FUN FUN FUN!!!

Thanks Kesha for the inspiration...

Yes, ladies, my love life can be summed up as blah, blah, blah (thanks Kesha)... still, I have to admit, things have been weird lately. I haven't felt like dating. (GASP) I know. Been in a wee bit of a funk, sorta down. So I took myself off the match.com market for about a week. Now I'm back on. Why? What magically gave me an epiphany and made me see the light? What force gave me the power to see a happy future, to envision a world where all that is dating is well and good? What powerful entity made me believe in myself and gave me the foresight of a better future and a wonderful tomorrow?


My hair bangin' stylist Stephanie (holla' girl.. just holla!).


She blondified me. I mean, I'm freakin' blonde-beyond-belief. I love it. It's given me a new identity, a new way to look at myself. At first I was thinking, "Whoa! Holly Madison!" (shut up, the hair not the body bitches), but then I realized that why not? Why not step outside of the box and live LIKE Holly, ya know, without the fake boobs, size 2 and Hugh Heffner-like sugar daddy (although with my financial situation, that does seem appealing). I mean, just be sassy and flirty and everything a blonde SHOULD be, mixed in with my awesome personality, ladies I can TOTALLY pull this off. And if I can't? If life over the next 6 weeks doesn't live up to expectation, well guess what? Color can be reversed!


I encourage more women to step outside of the "hair color" box. I know so many people who say "I'd love to be a blonde!" (insert red-head, brunette, pink highlights, whatever) but they never do it. It's amazing what a little trip to a bangin' hair stylist will do for the ego. Right now, I'm gonna honor the true blondes and use THEIR confidence, because that's what's been damaged by my last relationship. So here's to Marilyn and Holly and Gwenyth (Stefani and Paltrow!), Reese (and can I just PRAY to get a Gyllenhaall...yeah right), Cherize, and Carrie (Underwood). Those ladies rock the blonde and I will too!

As a blonde, I vow NOT to make mistakes of some other blondes. I will NOT:

• Show my goodies while getting in/out of a car (no Brittany, you can't blame your bodyguard)
• Flip off the Yankees (unless they are playing the Tigers... thanks Gaga)
• Pretend I don't know what Walmart is (yeah Paris)
• Do anything Heidi Pratt does

Next up in the project Me tales, try a new class...cardio Funk. Can I be funky? I mean, the type that doesn't require not showering, cuz that's a funky I can't get on board with. Can I bring the Detroit funk to a Charlotte gym? Let's hope. I mean, without the gang affiliations and tricked out hooptie.

Sage advice from someone married 46 years..

Namely my mom, who is visiting this week.

No one wants to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Girls don't chase boys. Boys chase them.

But there's something I have to tell you about mom. She has little dating experience, and that's true of most couples I know who have been married 30, 40, 50 years. They all married their high school or college sweethearts. My mom met my dad at 15. They married when she was 21, and that was SCANDALOUS because my mom "waited". My dad wanted to get married at 18.

My only beef is with the free milk adage. Here's the problem. Withholding the milk only withholds the milk for you too (ewww, that really went in a bad direction), but you get my drift. The other problem, and I will thank Eddie Murphy for this logic, is that when the guy finally gets the milk he's sooooo excited and can't get enough of the milk.... YEAH!! But then after a while, he's like hmmm... I just have regular milk. In fact, many men will start to think the milk is spoiled or crave other flavors of milk... I mean, why not soy milk? Get my point?

So you tell me, is the adage true? I think you have to properly withhold the milk for a while, but then ya know... make a milk shake. When milkshakes get old, make cheese (ewww..), okay, you get what I mean. Feel free to chime in. Cows/milk/free? I also believe in the adage "don't buy the car without taking it for a testdrive."

I'm WALKIN' HERE!

What to do while waiting for the dating gods to smile on you? Work out. Shop. Read.

This morning I lost an additional pound as the shit was scared out of me by a truck whose driver was NOT paying attention to the fact I was crossing the street. In my mind, I banged on his hood and screamed, "I'm WALKIN' here!!!" ala Ratso himself Dustin Hoffman (Midnight Cowboy). In reality I turned and glared at him and called him a jerk-off...out loud...with my Ipod on. Oops, his window was open. Wow, he seemed pissed.

Off to the greenway, which is a HUGE perk of living in North Carolina (it's miles & miles of paths for hiking, walking, biking), but the downside is that there are toooo many snakes in this state and if anyone knows me they know I'm scared to death of snakes. I've seen 2 on the greenway in the two years I've lived here. A third wrapped itself on the balcony of my apartment about a week after I moved in. I can't think about that, as I refuse to this day to go on my balcony, no matter how lovely it is in October (that's when I tell everyone else in the cold to suck it). So while I jog, my eyes are constantly darting back and forth, back and forth, eyeing the grassline for snakes.

Oh, the other downside of the NC? The heat in the summer. Even at 9:30am it was steaming, literally steaming - YES, steam rising up off the wooden planks of the greenway. I expected to hear a howler monkey any minute and to run across some tribal Amazonian with a bone through his nose shooting poison darts at wayward joggers (hmmm.. potential date?). It's going to be 95 today. With the humidity that's so-hot-your-ass-crack-sweats hot.

I also discovered I have an annoying habit of singing my songs out loud while I jog. I seemed to amuse a few joggers who passed me with my rendition of "Electric Avenue". They seemed less enthused with my rendition of "Me So Horny." Geez...everyone's a critic.

The truth is, the fitness stuff makes me feel good. I've been battling and battling to get off the 20 lbs I gained in my last relationship (it needs to GOOOOOO!) and I go up & down, up & down. I'm down some of those pounds, but still need to keep up the momentum and now that I'm out of school, it's project ME time. What else am I going to do? Watch Real Housewives repeats over & over? And the best part? The exercise pays off. My body is SLAMMIN'... well, underneath a layer of chub that needs to melt off. But damn it, once that happens, it's ON bitches!

Things to do when dating turns sucky

So dating has been a literal DESERT of possibilities, er... non possibilities, so I'm going to focus on all the things I can do to occupy my time now that I'm out of school (yeah, summer!). Everyone envisions that teachers spend their summers on white sand beaches covered in luscious Banana Boat tanning oil, miles & miles from the nearest teenager. Yeah, that's what we WISH we could be doing. In reality I have no money and have to attend training sessions all summer for school, topped with moving in a few weeks. Oh what fun. So with dating being frankly non-existent, I could really use some suggestions on how to keep busy. Of course, a job would make sense, but with said training & moving, it's difficult to secure employment with the caveat, "ah but I can't work these days, these days or these days". Employers LOVE that.

First on my list - my love affair with dairy creamer is on my mind every morning. It's been going on for years, and while in my life I have cut out a lot of "bad" stuff like high fructose corn syrup, this is the one thing in my life that is soooo Brokeback. I just can't quit you Chocolate Chip Creme Brulee creamer!!!

So after my love affair each morning, it might be time to work on my tan. Okay, I only allow about 20 minutes of REAL sun followed by a slathering of SPF. I'm 35 and still look totally 29. I don't want to ruin that (I might also be delusional about that, but oh well, my friends totally agree).

There's also time at the gym, which I refer to as, "Minute by minute agony in which I want to stab little girl running class with pointy objects." Seriously, every time we do those tricep lifts where you heft your entire body off the bench with just your muscles? Let me lift YOUR 102 lbs... no problem. The instructors always seems to focus on me saying, "You can do it!!" in this annoying cheerleader-sorority-ra-ra voice that makes me want to stab more objects in her head. I could do it with a fork lift sweety. Pass me a donut.

Other ways to pass my time besides reading my chick-lit books, mixed with a few popular bestsellers and classics (thus my "well-rounded" literary canon), I'm at a loss. I could accept dates with homeless, vagrant ex-cons (and parolees) just to entertain you folks, but something tells me that's not a good idea. I'm open to suggestions.

In a state of stupidity!

That's all I can surmise.

I went on a 2nd date with Sean* this weekend, and had a GREAT time. We went to an awesome wine festival up in the mountains. It was super duper hot, and drinking the wine... oh that hit me kinda quick, but it was a GREAT fun date : ) Then went to a park with a river afterwards and kinda walked in the water. It was fun! The problem I'm having is that I'm having all these confused feelings. I like Sean, he's sweet and in many ways totally different from my ex - he pays much closer attention to me, not obsessed with phone and ex-wife,etc. He's considerate, opens doors and such, but he's more of a "girl's guy", than a "guy's guy" and I've always gone for the "guy's guy". But then again... I'm still single. Maybe I SHOULD be looking for a different kind of guy. I sense this guy has a really good heart.

The only shallow thing I have to say (and yes, I recognize my shallowness) is.. He wore jean shorts. I will overlook this, but allow me to say, I HATE HATE HATE jean shorts on guys. And white tennis shoes. I hate any jeans with white tennis shoes. It's a personal pet peeve that I will overlook. I promise. And he wore a camouflage army-type drawstring hat at the wine festival. (sigh)...

The things that kind made me wonder are things like him blowing me kisses on the phone and when I walked away to go to the restroom. It was a little tooooo mushy for me. I'm just not that kind a' girl. He was blowing kisses on the phone this past week after our 1st date. I thought it was too much and then when he did it in person it was too much again. There were a few things he said and I was wondering "is he holding back the hick?" (See previous posts with my hick encounters)

So it's still a question mark with this guy. I think the problem is, I'm so new out of my last relationship that I'm questioning and over analyzing everything. He is kind. He is sweet. He's a good guy. I need to focus on that. Take it slow, having fun, getting to know him and just take it from there. : )

It just sucks that I am having a tough time reading this one. I'm usually always "yes" or "no" and with this guy, it's like a great big "I don't know". My friends & family think 1 - I'm still getting over my last relationship and 2 - I'm still a little scared to enter a new relationship.

I don't doubt it. So I think the slow roll.. is the way to go! : )

A lesson on how to do it RIGHT, guys!

Ya know... I was nervous about going out with *Sean since he's from the south & all, but wow - had an INCREDIBLE awesome 1st date! His smile was even better in person.

First things first - he brought me daisies and I LOVE daisies! They are my favorite flower. Simple. Classic. That's me.

Next - he opened doors and was a perfect gentleman. Insisted on paying. Conversation was great and fun... all the elements of a great 1st date. I was smiling the whole time.

It was just nice to have a guy interested in me, wanting to be with me. He told me how pretty I looked and what a great smile I have. I hadn't heard that in a long time, and certainly not much in my last relationship.

What I wasn't used to and what surprised me was that he was very "protective" of me in a nice way. Like walking, he kind of put his hand on my back. It was really sweet. I just wasn't used to it! Isn't that sad? I'm not used to romance!!! So flowers, dinner and then we decided to go listen to live music in this shopping center by me and we sat by a fountain and talked for another hour or so and then decided to see a movie. It was funny because the only thing playing was Shrek at the time we went. I secretly wanted to see it, but didn't want to admit it. And Sean looks at me and says "Okay, I'll see Shrek if you will." I LOVED that.. lol.. it was actually funny because it was all adults and we laughed and enjoyed the movie. So my date wound up being a 5 hour date, complete with a simple, nice kiss goodnight. One thing I realized is that I just want to take things slow and I want to take my time, just have a lot of fun and not rush into any new relationship. I still feel like I'm still closing everything on the last one, so I'm gonna go on the sloooooooooooow roll with dating.

Ladies, I must say, it was NICE, so NICE to feel like and be treated like... a lady. It was nice to sit across from someone who didn't have a cell phone out the whole time! LOL! It was nice to have a great conversation, to feel appreciated and to be paid a few nice compliments that were sincere. : ) I felt like air. Very very very nice first date.

Please, please please let my hickdar be fixed!!

If you've read about my adventures dating men from the south, I have NO hickdar, no ability to spot a bonified HICK in this area of the world, though they lurk...everywhere, particularly this weekend with the Nascar race (Hickfest 2010). Literally EVERY guy I've met online who is from the south has been a hick. Recall - one told me that a chador-dressed Muslim was probably a "terrorist" at Carowinds amusement park. Another slapped my calf like I was a thoroughbred and laughed like a nut. Another told me my titties looked nice in my top. Seriously. What is up with the south?

So here I've met a new southern gent, although the "gent" part remains to be seen (please, please, be merciful!). His name - *Sean and he's a little older (46), but has a KILLER smile and seems very my type. Our first conversation lasted over an hour & 1/2 and he even called me again tonight, though I cut it a little short after 20 minutes. One rule of dating for me - don't talk TOO much before the date. Leave stuff to talk about ON the date. Also, I often find you can invest HOURS of talk time only to meet and fizzzzzzzzzzle... no spark. But he invited me to dinner, I agreed, so here we go again.

I'm praying for no hick-ness. No nickname of "jimbo" or "skeeter". No slapping of my body parts. No admiration of my body parts. Well, admiration, just no outward comment. I've just had bad luck finding a guy from the south with CLASS... that's the word. They have manners, but manners & class are too different things. Manners include saying "please" "thank you" and "ma'am" and "sir".

But class has to do with the things that you CHOOSE to let fly from your mouth. Such as "Ma'am, you have some incredible titties, girl! Please let me rub my little Jimbo on them" Very polite. Completely classless. See my issue?