My dry spell has turned into a dry... season! Winter sucks! Just a few matches here and there. I'm on a break. Does everyone take breaks for the holidays? Maybe while I'm home visiting my family I'll get some out-of-state booty. Who knows? And speaking of booty... this little tale comes from my good friend, we'll call her "Carrie", although I have a friend Carrie, but I swear this isn't about her!
So Carrie has this big fight on Friday with a guy she's been dating and decides on Saturday, while drunk and feeling "anxious" that she's going to booty call *Joe (of course the names are changed to protect the slutty...and her victims.. haha!). Carrie doesn't look carefully as she furiously punches in her amorous text message promising hot booty-licious fun if Joe will come over (it's 3am). After she texts Joe, she goes back to her phone and realizes... she texted the wrong Joe!!! So the 2nd Joe shows up and Carrie thinks "oh what the hell?" and gets some secondary Joe ass. Nicely done Carrie! Now my question is... boy, how much would it suck to be the misplaced Joe? Does that Joe KNOW how close he was to getting a golden ticket? How many other poor, unfortunate Joes of the world have been the victim of this crime? Please do yourselves a favor - ask a girl (or guy) to put their name as "booty" into your phone. That way, when the time hits, booty is who we will call. Now on the occasion that there is more than one booty in your life... rate them in the order of the booty. Booty1 is your first call, because he is the best booty. Booty2 is the 2nd best booty, only to be called if Booty1 is not available, and so on. Don't be distressed if you are Booty17. There is always the likelihood that Bootys 1 thru 16 might not work out or are unavailable. Don't take the rating personally. Let it make you work harder to achieve higher booty status.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
The rules of being a fuck buddy
The rules of being a fuck buddy:
Rule 1: There is no fuck buddy.
Rule 2: No really, there is no fuck buddy. I can’t acknowledge you exist. It will keep me from meeting other dudes. I’ll tell all my female friends about you though, of course. They'll think I'm being really slutty. Guys would think I'm a whore. Hence, there is no fuck buddy.
Rule 3: You can’t stay over. Chicks get attached. No, really. There is a chemical we release when we have sex with someone and that chemical “bonds” us to that person. Cuddling and sleeping over = stronger bond. You’re a fuck buddy. Just go. Don’t be mad about it.
Rule 4: Call ahead. Don’t booty call me at 2am. Booty call me at 10 telling me to come at 12:00. Oh yeah, I’ll be coming.
Rule 5: Don’t talk a lot. Okay, not to sound like a total bitch, but there’s a reason we aren’t “relationship” material. It’s just not there. Just enjoy what you’re getting and be grateful. Shut up.
Rule 6: No major dates. I’m not your “backup” for special events when you can’t get a date. I’m a fuck buddy. We fuck. That’s it.
Rule 7: I have a life. Don’t be mad when I’m busy. It’s the nature of the fuck-buddyness. You’re a bump in the road on my way to my next great guy. Again, just enjoy it.
Rule 8: Don’t get too kinky. I get that we’re doing it and all, but no, I won’t have anal sex with you. You get that when you put a ring on my finger. Since we aren't "relationship" material that ain't gonna happen.. so give it up. I also won't have a three-some or invite a midget along.
Rule 9: Don’t tell me about other chics. Yeah, I don’t really WANT to know. You tell me and it’s like “why are you telling me this?” Just get naked.
Rule 10: Don’t leave shit at my house. Your underwear. Condom wrappers. Take care of that shit.. geez. Nobody likes a messy fuck buddy.
Rule 1: There is no fuck buddy.
Rule 2: No really, there is no fuck buddy. I can’t acknowledge you exist. It will keep me from meeting other dudes. I’ll tell all my female friends about you though, of course. They'll think I'm being really slutty. Guys would think I'm a whore. Hence, there is no fuck buddy.
Rule 3: You can’t stay over. Chicks get attached. No, really. There is a chemical we release when we have sex with someone and that chemical “bonds” us to that person. Cuddling and sleeping over = stronger bond. You’re a fuck buddy. Just go. Don’t be mad about it.
Rule 4: Call ahead. Don’t booty call me at 2am. Booty call me at 10 telling me to come at 12:00. Oh yeah, I’ll be coming.
Rule 5: Don’t talk a lot. Okay, not to sound like a total bitch, but there’s a reason we aren’t “relationship” material. It’s just not there. Just enjoy what you’re getting and be grateful. Shut up.
Rule 6: No major dates. I’m not your “backup” for special events when you can’t get a date. I’m a fuck buddy. We fuck. That’s it.
Rule 7: I have a life. Don’t be mad when I’m busy. It’s the nature of the fuck-buddyness. You’re a bump in the road on my way to my next great guy. Again, just enjoy it.
Rule 8: Don’t get too kinky. I get that we’re doing it and all, but no, I won’t have anal sex with you. You get that when you put a ring on my finger. Since we aren't "relationship" material that ain't gonna happen.. so give it up. I also won't have a three-some or invite a midget along.
Rule 9: Don’t tell me about other chics. Yeah, I don’t really WANT to know. You tell me and it’s like “why are you telling me this?” Just get naked.
Rule 10: Don’t leave shit at my house. Your underwear. Condom wrappers. Take care of that shit.. geez. Nobody likes a messy fuck buddy.
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