"Glamour Shots!" & "The Pirate"

I don't think that my friends TRULY understand how difficult dating is, particularly in the south, so I've decided to include a montage of photos featuring some of my favorites I've found in my online dating experience lately. Perhaps one day, one of these people will stumble upon this blog, but I hope that the understanding is this - my hope is to show you the error of your ways. I feel it is now my duty to educate the masses!! With that, my first beef - Glamour shots. You know, those cheesy mall photos of the 80's with the "fuzzy" picture appeal and ridiculously posed photos that wound up making you look, well, stupid? Hmmm.. so why would you use those photos as your profile pictures? Especially multiples of them side by side? I mean, take them one by one. Photo 1 - the "over the shoulder" jean jacket? Really? Has a man appropriately WORN a jean jacket since 1985 unless his name is Steve Perry? And then the next, with the white stool.. hello senior photo. Do you suppose we think you were naturally walking by a white backdrop thinking "Oh look! A white stool!" Click. How natural you look! Now this 3rd fellow went with the Glamour shots and chose the "denim shirt/leather jacket" look for his 1st appealing photo. Perhaps his motivation was David Hasselhoff? And who DOESN'T want to bone the HOFF? Nothing says sexy like the David Hasselhoff look. I only wish that this single gent had left a few buttons undone so I could see that oh-so-sexy chest forest. What woman can POSSIBLY resist? And if you have any qualms, please check out the oh-so-overboard tuxedo look. Is that James Bond or my new husband? I can't decide. But then if the Glamour Shots aren't for you, no worries, because this Glamour-shot man is secretly a pirate!! Yes indeed, he dresses as a pirate on his off days, perhaps when he's not out in his tuxedo or rushing around in his Kitt trans am.

Ladies... meet Douchey Von Weirdo!

My latest eharmony psycho... and YES, I'm convinced that eharm is NOTHING but psychos, has garnered the moniker "Douchey von Weirdo".. so Mr. Weirdo, or Douchey as I like to call him is a nurse. This man is delivering meds and helping sick people, which is frightening. Then again, he is a nurse in an adolescent psychiatric ward. Maybe he's taking his work home with him?

So Douchey and I start with the back-and-forth communication. Ok.. good.

Then it's the open communication. Ok..good.

Then we get to the phone calls & our first phone conversation is fantastic. Ok...good.

We agree to meet on Sunday, which leaves oh... 4 days for this asswipe to mess it up with his stupid text messages. Enter...the land of psycho where men like Douchey send text messages straight out of the Norman Bates files.

First text that started to annoy me: "How was your day princess?"

Um... princess? Okay, before I'm accused of being heartless, keep this one thing in mind - I'VE. NEVER. MET. THIS. GUY. You don't use terms of endearment for people you don't know. And frankly, I've never even really been one to use them in relationships. I think "babe" is about the most creative I get. And princess? That term does NOT fit me, but I let the princess comment go...for now.

But everything he starts asking is physical - he asks me for more pictures, even though I have EIGHT on my profile. Why would you need or want more pictures?

Then the weirder messages started like, "Are you going to dress casual or sexy on our date?" Um.. you'll find out? "Do you like to snuggle?" Uh sure, great fabric softener. "What are your tender spots?" Tender spots? Well actually, the back of my ankle hurts. Oh wait. He means "turn-on" spots. Um... again, we've never met, to which I tell him that guys will find that out IN DUE TIME.

Then he asks if I'm a good kisser. DUH. Does anyone NOT think they are a good kisser? But more importantly, WHY ARE YOU ASKING? I made it abundantly clear in our communications that I wasn't looking to "hook up" and yet all he does is ask questions that someone looking to hook up would ask.

So after about 3 "princesses" and the "tender spots" comes my my personal favorite creeper question: "Do you have pretty hands and feet?" (EWWWWWWWWW!). I question if he has a fetish and he tells me "Yes! Pretty hands and feet do it for me." I'm speechless. I change the subject. The next day, his stupid texts continue, so now IT IS ON!! I decide to mess with him.

Douchey: You are a good kisser?

Me: The lucky ones find out.

Douchey: You're fresh.

Me: Like lettuce?

(I mean seriously, has anyone used the term 'fresh' since 1992 ... 'Yo holmes to Bel Air!' Fresh Prince variety?)

Douchey: No!! Just fresh!

Me: No.. I'm what they call 'cheeky'

Douchey: No.. fresh.

(And now I've got Kool & the Gang in my head: "She's fresh, so fresh! Exciting! She's so inviting to me....)

Me: Well fresh things are good for people.

Douchey: Yes they are princess (Barf. This about the 4th time he's called me princess. I decide if he can call me princess, then I can come up with a 'pet' name for him as well. Hmmm.. king? No.. too old sounding. Prince? Uh.. too Disney... Duke? No, that's like the university... Wait... I think I got it.....)

Me: Indeed you are correct, Captain!

(What? I mean.. captain? Oh Captain, my captain? LOL.. I am SUCH a smart ass.. this can't be good)

Douchey: Send me a picture to my phone so I can see that beautiful smile again. (no reply to the captain comment, by the way)

(Sigh.. okay, at this point, I'm pissed with the picture requests. Seriously. You've seen me)

Me: The picture-sending portion of this program has concluded. Meaning... I have no makeup on, I look like crap, and you have 10 pics of me at your disposal.

Douchey: Stop it! I'm bringing my camera. Get ready for the photo shoot.

(Uh... WHAT? Are you kidding me? Okay, at this point, I DO think he's joking, but there is this other side of me who envisions him posing us for a photo with matching sweaters for his holiday cards, maybe with antler head bands and red noses. Weirdo. Time to f*&k with him some more...)

Me: Uh, no. I don't do photos unless it's for cash.

Douchey: So do you dress up and dance?

Me: (changing subject) So what are the 3 top things you look for? in a woman?

Douchey: 1 - Ability to hold a conversation 2 - Affectionate 3 - Can be just as comfortable with silence.

Me: Darn. I came so close. Too bad I'm an uptight, no sense-of-humor-having bitch. Otherwise, I'm in!

Douchey: Yes you are (Ooooh, so he DOES detect my sarcasm?) I wonder what your hugs are like.

(okay.. did he just SAY that? 'I wonder what your HUGS are like?' Are there different styles of hugging now? Do I need to learn how to hug a certain way to know what kind of hugging is GOOD hugging? What's bad hugging? Like that awkward way you hug someone in middle school and don't know where to put your hands? I mean, would you break up with someone for being a bad... hugger?)

Me: All in good time...

Okay, that pretty much did it and I haven't texted Douchey and he hasn't texted me. My gut tells me that he gave up. Did he think I would change my "NO HOOK UP" stance when I told him, right from the start that wasn't me? Or is he one of these guys that has NO social skills and gives off the creeper vibe? Whatever it is... I am glad Mr. Von Weirdo is gone.

Dating sucks this week.