Oh my God. Back on the online dating now and met this guy with a profile that claims he reads Ayn Rand and other great authors, sounds intelligent. Talk on the phone and I ask "So what are you up to this fine evening?" He says, "I was just out with my pig" and proceeds to tell me how he's selling this pig to a meat market tomorrow. But immediately tells me "Don't think I'm a hick." No dude. I don't think that guys who raise pigs are hicks (snark snark). But then he sounded... well, let's be honest - he sounded high, like he couldn't keep his stuff straight, so I come out and ask him, "Do you do drugs?" and he says "No, I don't do drugs. Well, I smoke some pot every now and then but I don't do drugs." Seriously, that's the best messsage for the "JUST SAY NO" campaign I ever heard. You're so fried you forget that pot is a drug. Moron. I tell him, "Well, if you read my profile it says DRUG-FREE is a must" and he starts to tell me how he doesn't think he's a "drug user." I tell him that hello - if you smoke pot, you do drugs and a girl with that on her profile is obviously not looking for ANY drugs. So I told him sorry, that's a deal breaker. Good luck and good bye.
Oh man, I could've had a pig-raising, pot-smoking moron. I am NOT impressed with my state. I know I'm in the south but DAMN!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Douchbagitis!!!
There is a new affliction cursing many men today. The likely cause is shear stupidity. This terrible disease is called douchebagitis. You may suffer from this affliction if you use stupid come-on lines, don't call girls when you are supposed to, make them wait on you when it's really unnecessary, or generally act like a moron for unknown reasons. If you have douchbagitis, you may feel a slight pain in your forehead. That's because you are missing a brain. Your brain in located in your dick and unfortunately, this causes you to behave in unruly and often unethical and immoral ways. If you find yourself treating a girl like shit, you may have this disease. There are 4 stages to this disease.
Stage One: You start to act "different". You don't call a girl when you say you will. You start to wonder what else is out there. It's easy to seek treatment at this stage by focusing on all the wonderful qualities the girl you are with has. Focus on how she took care of you when you were sick, or how she does special things for you. Call her immediately and treat her like the awesome girl she is. Avoid other douchebagitis sufferers at all costs. Chance of recovery: 85%
Stage Two: You start listening to other men who suffer from this affliction. Many men have this, and that includes some of your male friends. They will tell you, "Don't put up with that shit" and "You can do better than that" and "Screw her, be single! Come out with us! " Notice, this advice always comes from single men (again who also have this affliction). They don't like to be alone and they are recruiting you into their legions. Don't fall for it. Chance of recovery: 50-60%
Stage Three: You purposely hurt a girl you are with. You cancel plans. You treat her like shit by suddenly disappearing for days at a time. During this time, you convince yourself that you are "busy" at work or on the weekend and that her need to talk to you is "psycho". That laundry takes a lot of time, huh? Even though you really aren't doing laundry, you're playing video games, but still. You try to convince yourself she is being too clingy because she (gasp!) wants to talk to you. You run for no reason. Unless you man up now and call her and be honest, your chance of recovery is only 20-30%
Stage Four: Chronic douchebagedness has set in. This is the terminal stage. You constantly piss off the girl you are with by acting like a moron. She's telling you that you're being a moron, but you ignore it. You go to the bar with friends and hit on any girl you can. You begin to think you are Brad Pitt, even though you look like Humpty Dumpty. You convince yourself that one workout has made you "buff" and that you are hot. You tell girls you are single, and you aren't. You've begun to consider buying a pickup truck with Calvin pissing on something. The thought of wearing "Free Moustache Rides" t-shirts is appealing. This stage is lethal and chances for recovery are minimal.
Stage One: You start to act "different". You don't call a girl when you say you will. You start to wonder what else is out there. It's easy to seek treatment at this stage by focusing on all the wonderful qualities the girl you are with has. Focus on how she took care of you when you were sick, or how she does special things for you. Call her immediately and treat her like the awesome girl she is. Avoid other douchebagitis sufferers at all costs. Chance of recovery: 85%
Stage Two: You start listening to other men who suffer from this affliction. Many men have this, and that includes some of your male friends. They will tell you, "Don't put up with that shit" and "You can do better than that" and "Screw her, be single! Come out with us! " Notice, this advice always comes from single men (again who also have this affliction). They don't like to be alone and they are recruiting you into their legions. Don't fall for it. Chance of recovery: 50-60%
Stage Three: You purposely hurt a girl you are with. You cancel plans. You treat her like shit by suddenly disappearing for days at a time. During this time, you convince yourself that you are "busy" at work or on the weekend and that her need to talk to you is "psycho". That laundry takes a lot of time, huh? Even though you really aren't doing laundry, you're playing video games, but still. You try to convince yourself she is being too clingy because she (gasp!) wants to talk to you. You run for no reason. Unless you man up now and call her and be honest, your chance of recovery is only 20-30%
Stage Four: Chronic douchebagedness has set in. This is the terminal stage. You constantly piss off the girl you are with by acting like a moron. She's telling you that you're being a moron, but you ignore it. You go to the bar with friends and hit on any girl you can. You begin to think you are Brad Pitt, even though you look like Humpty Dumpty. You convince yourself that one workout has made you "buff" and that you are hot. You tell girls you are single, and you aren't. You've begun to consider buying a pickup truck with Calvin pissing on something. The thought of wearing "Free Moustache Rides" t-shirts is appealing. This stage is lethal and chances for recovery are minimal.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Another prince that's just another frog...
They hide it well. The past 2 months, I've had no posts because I was skating along in a state of relationship bliss. *Dave (oh yeah, that's a fake name) told me he was falling for me, told me he never felt this way about anyone, the usual "prince" language, right? Flash forward to Valentine's Day and I should've known something was up. A week before he says "I want to take you to this resort for a couple's massage" but then he never followed through and basically forgot about the whole day and never mentioned anything about it again. I wound up getting a card, but only after he knew I was upset. I wound up painting HIS ceiling with him on the day we were supposed to celebrate Valentine's. Boy that makes me feel like a schmuck now. From there, it's been downhill. I knew he was acting "off" this past week and he blamed it on medical issues, but medical issues don't stop you from texting someone or calling them. Ladies - let me tell you the signs of a frog faking princehood:
1. They give you empty promises: "we'll do this or that" and don't follow through. That means he doesn't care enough to actually follow through.
2. He starts acting differently - doesn't text or call like he used to. Trust your instincts. You aren't over-reacting or overanalyzing.
What kills me about the whole freakin' thing is the hypocrite that he is. He tells me that his night with his guy friend is "his night", yet every night I went out with my girls, he texted me the ENTIRE night to the point that my friends were getting mad at me, but the moment I said something the day with his "boys", I'm crowding him. Oh, and he's dated all these old chics in the past who treated him like shit - he was basically their "money bags" and I never EVER let him do anything for me besides take me to dinner (which we both paid for). I wouldn't even let him buy me lightbulbs at Home Depot. Every guy says they want a confident, independent girl and they get it and can't handle it. I don't understand. I couldn't have treated him better - helping him paint, watching his dog while he was out of town, paying for dinners, buying him concert tickets, making him dinner when he was sick, and what do I get - just another full of shit guy.
The dumping part was the worst - he did it on the phone, while I was driving. Classy. I know there is no great way to break up with someone, but man. The worst part is he never talked to me. He never told me I was doing anything that bothered him. Never told me anything was wrong. That's a problem because communication is so important. Oh well, the world is full of frogs and this has taught me just to hold tight to my own self and be true to me and one day, I'll meet the prince. Spotting these frogs is going to get easier and easier.
The funny part? I told him I've written about my bad dates and such and he said "you'll never have to do that with me".
You guessed wrong. Toad.
1. They give you empty promises: "we'll do this or that" and don't follow through. That means he doesn't care enough to actually follow through.
2. He starts acting differently - doesn't text or call like he used to. Trust your instincts. You aren't over-reacting or overanalyzing.
What kills me about the whole freakin' thing is the hypocrite that he is. He tells me that his night with his guy friend is "his night", yet every night I went out with my girls, he texted me the ENTIRE night to the point that my friends were getting mad at me, but the moment I said something the day with his "boys", I'm crowding him. Oh, and he's dated all these old chics in the past who treated him like shit - he was basically their "money bags" and I never EVER let him do anything for me besides take me to dinner (which we both paid for). I wouldn't even let him buy me lightbulbs at Home Depot. Every guy says they want a confident, independent girl and they get it and can't handle it. I don't understand. I couldn't have treated him better - helping him paint, watching his dog while he was out of town, paying for dinners, buying him concert tickets, making him dinner when he was sick, and what do I get - just another full of shit guy.
The dumping part was the worst - he did it on the phone, while I was driving. Classy. I know there is no great way to break up with someone, but man. The worst part is he never talked to me. He never told me I was doing anything that bothered him. Never told me anything was wrong. That's a problem because communication is so important. Oh well, the world is full of frogs and this has taught me just to hold tight to my own self and be true to me and one day, I'll meet the prince. Spotting these frogs is going to get easier and easier.
The funny part? I told him I've written about my bad dates and such and he said "you'll never have to do that with me".
You guessed wrong. Toad.
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