I broke up with *Hal months ago, but really finally said "goodbye" for good just about a month ago, and here's what I realize...there is nothing worse than being female and the after-effects of a breakup.
Why?
Because he's just a boy. He don't understand.
What would we do without Beyonce? I'm just sayin'...
Being a female SUCKS because of hormones and emotions and all that shit, because what happens? Those feelings creep back in, because I LOVED him. But what hurts the most? Realizing, finally, that he doesn't and probably never did love me. There, I said it. Sucky sucky.
And that's the hardest message of all to receive, and finally accept, as I'm FINALLY doing. He didn't love me, at least, not in the way I deserved and really, fuck it, that fucker loved his cat and treated that cat better than me. It certainly received more attention. (Deep breath...focus)
But what can you do to stop that person you loved from creeping into your thoughts? You see other couples holding hands. Your mind starts to wander and the WORST feeling of all is envisioning him with another girl. That's the dagger through the heart right there, thinking of him loving someone else more/better/etc. (Insert psycho thoughts....)
But then I'm also realizing one important point about my breakup. I did the right thing. No matter how I over-analyze this in my girl brain. No matter how many times I sit and want to call or email him or text him and shake him back and forth and say, "LOVE ME THE WAY I DESERVED!!!" (Can't I indulge in one or two psycho thoughts?) I can't force him. And he doesn't. So there it is. I did the right thing because he didn't love me. Had I continued, I might have wasted years just settling for something that wasn't everything I know I deserve.
What I deserve: A man who misses me when I'm gone. Who holds me and doesn't think about his phone. Who puts me as a priority every day (or heck, at least every few days). Who values what's wonderful about me - my kind heart, my thoughtfulness and my compassion and doesn't take advantage of that. I deserve someone who LOVES me and really understands me. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him.
I'm willing to sacrifice being alone to get it. Why? Because I love myself and I value myself. I don't find my worth in a man. I don't determine how I feel about myself every day because of how HE makes me feel. And most importantly, I follow my own cardinal rule - I DO NOT chase boys. If a boy ain't chasin' you back - he doesn't care about you. And finally, it's time to just give it up, completely, and I think that was the hardest part for me, because once I find that new guy, that amazing guy, Hal will be forgotten. And damn it...sometimes it's hard to let go (really, this is the makings of a GREAT country song, dontcha think?)
On a bright note, I've met another southern guy on Match, so we'll see how this goes when I return to NC and we can go out on a date. That'll be at least a week, so hold onto your britches till then. LOL.. summer vacation has been interesting too!! LOL.. being home in Michigan has brought back... lots of er... people from the past. Will write more later though.
