In honor of the release of Eclipse, I've decided to blog about the whole franchise. I thought the books and the movies were ok (though Eclipse I thought was the best one). My beef is, teenagers are eating this crap up, expecting guys to REALLY talk and act like this. Isn't this the problem with Hollywood? We're fed this picture of what love "is" and when Edward Cullen doesn't arrive, we're completely deflated and bummed. So listen up, because I have 35 years of knowledge under my belt and I'm going to give you the REAL lowdown on men.
Men are not sparkly (I've looked), nor do they speak in the hopeless romantic dialogue of this movie. They do not sit in flowery fields reading poetry with you, lightly brushing your hair from your face, endlessly staring into your eyes, trading kisses, hugging and caressing each other's lips in the sparkly sunlight. Unless there's the promise of a blow job in that field (or a ball game)...it's not gonna happen.
In real life, Edward is refusing to sleep with Bella because he's secretly gay (or boning someone on the side). The suffering victim of unrequited love, Jacob, would bone Bella's friends in her high school to make her jealous. Or get some skanky girlfriend off the reservation because that's the quickest way to overcome those feelings. Bella would get pissed that Edward won't sleep with her and go and bitch to all her friends in school who would spread gay rumors. Then Edward would HAVE to sleep with her to prove his non-gayhood. Bella's friends would be talking MAJOR shit about how controlling Edward's behavior is (hi, STALKER!) and one of them would go to the school counselor. Oh, and they'd probably say the whole family is a bunch of alcoholics based on the red/yellow eyes and they would stage an intervention and have them all on the A&E show pleading with them to get help.
Nope, men are just men. They like to smell something disgusting and say, "Here... smell this." They like sports and to smack the tops of door frames when they walk through them. They are pretty simple - they like you, they call you. They don't, they'll still try to have sex with you, but they won't call you except for that. Now, don't get me wrong, yes men DO fall in love and when they do, it's the little things - buying your favorite things, helping you fix things around the house, and maybe the occasional flower-buying. Those gestures ARE romance and ladies, if you're expecting him to recite love poems and to gaze longingly at you 24/7, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed when football season rolls around, because the only thing he'll longingly gaze at is the TV. But that's men, God love em'.
Now, in honor of my Twilight-ish renaissance, I've decided to translate some "lines" from the movie (some are real, some are close), just so you REALLY know how this would go down in real life:
Edward:"Bella, you have captured my heart and my very soul. My world is nothing without you."
Real life: (Staring at her boobs) "You. Are. HOT."
Jacob: "Don't chose him. Choose me. I can make you blissfully, sublimly happy."
Real life: "That dude...is a douche."
Edward: "I have no soul. You have something that once it's gone can never be returned. I value your soul, even if you don't."
Real life: This would totally be some shit a guy would say to get you into bed, sorta like the "Of course I'll still respect you" line.
Edward: "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever."
Real life: "Yeah, yeah...I promise to love you forever. Yes, forever. And ever. And ever... oh look at that girl! Hey girl... my name is Ed what's yours? I got some um... oral skills I'd like to show you."
Jacob: "You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him."
Real life: "That guy is a douche."
Edward: "I'll protect you no matter what."
Real life: "I'll protect you, unless the game is on, cause you know... that's kinda important."
Edward: "Sleep my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You're the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
Real life: (I'm sorry, I'm off puking in a corner).
Sigh... isn't love grand?
Men are not sparkly (I've looked), nor do they speak in the hopeless romantic dialogue of this movie. They do not sit in flowery fields reading poetry with you, lightly brushing your hair from your face, endlessly staring into your eyes, trading kisses, hugging and caressing each other's lips in the sparkly sunlight. Unless there's the promise of a blow job in that field (or a ball game)...it's not gonna happen.
In real life, Edward is refusing to sleep with Bella because he's secretly gay (or boning someone on the side). The suffering victim of unrequited love, Jacob, would bone Bella's friends in her high school to make her jealous. Or get some skanky girlfriend off the reservation because that's the quickest way to overcome those feelings. Bella would get pissed that Edward won't sleep with her and go and bitch to all her friends in school who would spread gay rumors. Then Edward would HAVE to sleep with her to prove his non-gayhood. Bella's friends would be talking MAJOR shit about how controlling Edward's behavior is (hi, STALKER!) and one of them would go to the school counselor. Oh, and they'd probably say the whole family is a bunch of alcoholics based on the red/yellow eyes and they would stage an intervention and have them all on the A&E show pleading with them to get help.
Nope, men are just men. They like to smell something disgusting and say, "Here... smell this." They like sports and to smack the tops of door frames when they walk through them. They are pretty simple - they like you, they call you. They don't, they'll still try to have sex with you, but they won't call you except for that. Now, don't get me wrong, yes men DO fall in love and when they do, it's the little things - buying your favorite things, helping you fix things around the house, and maybe the occasional flower-buying. Those gestures ARE romance and ladies, if you're expecting him to recite love poems and to gaze longingly at you 24/7, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed when football season rolls around, because the only thing he'll longingly gaze at is the TV. But that's men, God love em'.
Now, in honor of my Twilight-ish renaissance, I've decided to translate some "lines" from the movie (some are real, some are close), just so you REALLY know how this would go down in real life:
Edward:"Bella, you have captured my heart and my very soul. My world is nothing without you."
Real life: (Staring at her boobs) "You. Are. HOT."
Jacob: "Don't chose him. Choose me. I can make you blissfully, sublimly happy."
Real life: "That dude...is a douche."
Edward: "I have no soul. You have something that once it's gone can never be returned. I value your soul, even if you don't."
Real life: This would totally be some shit a guy would say to get you into bed, sorta like the "Of course I'll still respect you" line.
Edward: "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever."
Real life: "Yeah, yeah...I promise to love you forever. Yes, forever. And ever. And ever... oh look at that girl! Hey girl... my name is Ed what's yours? I got some um... oral skills I'd like to show you."
Jacob: "You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him."
Real life: "That guy is a douche."
Edward: "I'll protect you no matter what."
Real life: "I'll protect you, unless the game is on, cause you know... that's kinda important."
Edward: "Sleep my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You're the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
Real life: (I'm sorry, I'm off puking in a corner).
Sigh... isn't love grand?
