The conundrum of match.com

Been home sick and not venturing much into the dating world (another slow time, what can I say) so I'm at home perusing my options on match between naps and bowls of chicken soup.

So... I get winked at by this guy today and had to comment on this to the blog. It's too tragic not to comment. He has 2 pics, both exactly the same except for the fact that in the 2nd pic, he is shirtless (a pet peeve of mine you don't EVEN want to get me started on). Okay, I can't help myself, I'm started - why are you taking shirtless pictures? It is NOT a turn on. It's basically saying you're a giant douchebag (see douchebagitis post). It's like, "Hey look at me and my awesome bod, ladies." His name is probably Guido. Or Nick. C'mon guys - I don't want or need to see you shirtless. Without saying a word, you basically confirmed that you are self-absorbed, inconsiderate and probably lousy in bed (those who are good don't need to advertise the goods). In this scenario there is a bigger problem though. This match doesn't have a fantastic bod. This match.com shirtless guy has man boobs. He's a douchebag who doesn't even realize he has man boobs.

And...

The man boob nipple I can see clearly is pierced.

Ew.

I suppose this is sorta like a chubby girl like me getting her belly pierced. It's a complete no-no. This pierced man boob is like a droopy boob with a little loop on the end of it. Is it for towing? A place to clip your keys so you don't lose them? Maybe he keeps pulling on it, creating his saggy National Geographic-like droopy boobs? Can you tie em' in a knot? Can you tie em' in a bow? Maybe he's one of those weirdos who enters competitions where he lifts massive weights with his piercings and odd body parts? Seriously, have you ever seen those dudes who lift huge weights with their penises? Disturbing. Google it.

Then to top it off, he says he's in law enforcement, but he's "well off" and makes over $150K/year but the pics, in the background (do guys not realize we analyze every piece of background in those self-portraits?) there is a lava lamp. Yes, a blue lava lamp. There is also a clock with fruit on it like what my grandmother would have... in 1961. Except another small problem - this cell-phone camera self-portrait is in the bathroom. How do I know? Right below the hideous grandma clock is the toilet. Ohhhh sexy. Take a photo in the can and put THAT on match. I'm yours.

Seriously, this could be the love of my life, right?

Another dry spell so now I'm a hooligan!!

Yeah, it's been a dry spell here in the dating pool, but that doesn't mean I'm not keeping myself amused. Saturday night, after a fun night at the bar, Tara, Kim and I decide to go in my apartment complex hot tub at 3am. Yeah... smart. The funniest part - we show up, drunk off our asses and there are 2 people there when we get there. Once we get in we realize - these other 2 people are naked!! EWWWWWWWWW! Except we don't even realize it cuz we've been drinking! So we proceed to just hang out and then:

FLASHLIGHT!!!

Oh crap. It's our complex cop. And he's not a rent-a-cop, he's a real cop. Oh boy. All I can think is... thank God I'm not naked.

Cop: "Uh, you guys live here?"

Us: (silence)

Cop: "You know the pool closes at 10"

Us: (silence)

Cop: "Someone live here?"

Me: Uh, yeah. Sorry.

Cop: "What apartment do you live in?"

Me: Uh... 822 (total lie)

Then Kim proceeds to jump out of the hot tub and flirt with the cop. Thank God I hang out with girls skinny enough to wear bikinis. The ultimate cop deflectors. Tara and I get out too and start talking to him. Tara's in a bikini too (go deflectors!!!!) The poor naked people are stuck in the hot tub. All this time I'm thinking of that SNL skit where Will Ferrell is talking to his "lovvah" in the "hottub" and they are eating meat. Weird. I know.

So we wind up standing outside talking to this cop until 4am. Turns out, he's kinda flirting with Kim and telling her he's going to hook her up with some friend of his. (Go Kim!!)

Meanwhile, the poor naked people have to jump out, naked. Hehe... naked people.

Ah, who needs guys when you can get busted by the cops in a hottub at 3am with some naked people!!!