Male Fashion Mistakes.. and NO! NOT you Tom Brady!

Isn't Tom hot? Ah.. I love this pic (thanks Google images!) I will admit, I'm kind of rigid when it comes to certain rules I have about guy's clothes. And I understand that women are the species who spend much more time on style and fashion. But is it really that difficult, guys? Shouldn't guys care a LITTLE about this stuff? At least for us? I mean, I've pretended to care about the golf swing of Phil Mickelson, which pitcher has a better ERA (see?), the new tool on sale at Sears, and the latest Best Buy guy gadget sale (yeah.. SEE?). I once stood in line for 2 hours at Best Buy while my boyfriend figured out which humongous over-the-top flat screen TV to buy. C'mon! Can I get maybe 15 minutes of thought in the fashion department? Khakis and a decent shirt can go a LONG way. The sad thing is all of the following are fashion crimes I have personally witnessed on dates. It's time to pull out your badges ladies... tell me what crimes YOU'VE personally witnessed!

I know some people LOVE certain looks, but um.. not me. And it's my blog. haha!

1. Never..EVER..Wear jeans with tennis shoes. Unless you are extensively walking a theme park, this look says old person. Sorry, I know some of my friends do this regularly. Don't worry, I would never make fun of you to your face. My momma raised me right.


2. No jean shorts. Ever.


3. No shells around your neck. Pooka shells or whatever you call them scream Jersey Shore a-hole.


4. Crappy t-shirts that look like they were very popular... in 1989. And I'm not talking vintage. I'm talking shirts you've BEEN wearing for the past 20 years.


5. Camouflage anything (see my legendary hick dates). Unless you're going to hunt on a date with me... um, no.


6. Bandannas. See Bret Michaels. Hide your hair plugs in other creative ways.


7. Ed Hardy shirts. I say, just wear a shirt that says, "I'm a douche who would sleep with your sister." See Jon Gosseling and Jesse James.


8. Your old football jersey. You're not in high school. Get over it. I'm convinced it's a secret ploy to get me in a cheerleading uniform anyway, ya perv...


9. Gold chains. Ya know.. necklaces on guys in general I'm just not digging, but lately at the pool it's been guidos with gold link chains on. Mr. T wants his look back. I pity da' foo who wears this crap.


10. Clipped on gadgets. I get that you love your gadgets, but leave em' off your ensemble. What this says to me: I'm a self-important jerk-off and probably will check my phone 20,000 times on our date.

BONUS: Okay, this isn't really clothing, but my latest beef? Guys in their 20's, 30's and beyond donning Justin Bieber hair. Has anyone seen Tom Brady lately? He Bieber'd his hair!!! Never has a guy made me lose a boner faster. See before/after pics above and you be the judge.

The power of the blonde?

The blonde is pretty incredible... I gotta say.

Here's what my first couple days as a blonde taught me:

1. Blonde renders men stupid, not the reverse. So stupid they don't read the requirements on my Match profile, so they don't see I won't date a smoker or someone without an education. Hence the email I received about 10 minutes after posting the new blonde pic:

Title: "Hi you are a pritty woman" (does anyone else just HEAR the banjo music?)
Email: "Well this is me and I LIKE A WOMAN that knows what she wants and I'm a out doors person love hunting, fishing, hicking, and takeing long walks with someone I care about"

Really dude? Why are you yelling the "I LIKE A WOMAN part? Latent gay feelings and want to clarify your sexual preference? And Hicking? Really... HICKING? Nuf' said...

2. Blonde = bar magnet. Okay, this one can be good and not so good. My first trip to the bar last night and the blonde is like a magnet for drinking dudes. Good if you're the type of blonde looking for action in a bar. Not so good if you're me (no, I'm not the action in the bar type. Well, not now anyway... haha).

First guy - "Wow, you're gorgeous" (note the blonde took me from "cute" to gorgeous).
Second guy - "Hey blondie"... (now I get another nickname)

Both were buying the drinks too. : )

So in conclusion, this blonde gig COULD be a money maker if the guys are willing to buy all my drinks, I mean, hell, the cost of going blonde is going to pay for itself... : )

Perhaps the downside is going to be the whole "They want to sleep with a Marilyn, but they marry the Jackie" curse. Who knows? At this point... who cares?

Blonde - FUN FUN FUN!!!

Thanks Kesha for the inspiration...

Yes, ladies, my love life can be summed up as blah, blah, blah (thanks Kesha)... still, I have to admit, things have been weird lately. I haven't felt like dating. (GASP) I know. Been in a wee bit of a funk, sorta down. So I took myself off the match.com market for about a week. Now I'm back on. Why? What magically gave me an epiphany and made me see the light? What force gave me the power to see a happy future, to envision a world where all that is dating is well and good? What powerful entity made me believe in myself and gave me the foresight of a better future and a wonderful tomorrow?


My hair bangin' stylist Stephanie (holla' girl.. just holla!).


She blondified me. I mean, I'm freakin' blonde-beyond-belief. I love it. It's given me a new identity, a new way to look at myself. At first I was thinking, "Whoa! Holly Madison!" (shut up, the hair not the body bitches), but then I realized that why not? Why not step outside of the box and live LIKE Holly, ya know, without the fake boobs, size 2 and Hugh Heffner-like sugar daddy (although with my financial situation, that does seem appealing). I mean, just be sassy and flirty and everything a blonde SHOULD be, mixed in with my awesome personality, ladies I can TOTALLY pull this off. And if I can't? If life over the next 6 weeks doesn't live up to expectation, well guess what? Color can be reversed!


I encourage more women to step outside of the "hair color" box. I know so many people who say "I'd love to be a blonde!" (insert red-head, brunette, pink highlights, whatever) but they never do it. It's amazing what a little trip to a bangin' hair stylist will do for the ego. Right now, I'm gonna honor the true blondes and use THEIR confidence, because that's what's been damaged by my last relationship. So here's to Marilyn and Holly and Gwenyth (Stefani and Paltrow!), Reese (and can I just PRAY to get a Gyllenhaall...yeah right), Cherize, and Carrie (Underwood). Those ladies rock the blonde and I will too!

As a blonde, I vow NOT to make mistakes of some other blondes. I will NOT:

• Show my goodies while getting in/out of a car (no Brittany, you can't blame your bodyguard)
• Flip off the Yankees (unless they are playing the Tigers... thanks Gaga)
• Pretend I don't know what Walmart is (yeah Paris)
• Do anything Heidi Pratt does

Next up in the project Me tales, try a new class...cardio Funk. Can I be funky? I mean, the type that doesn't require not showering, cuz that's a funky I can't get on board with. Can I bring the Detroit funk to a Charlotte gym? Let's hope. I mean, without the gang affiliations and tricked out hooptie.

Sage advice from someone married 46 years..

Namely my mom, who is visiting this week.

No one wants to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Girls don't chase boys. Boys chase them.

But there's something I have to tell you about mom. She has little dating experience, and that's true of most couples I know who have been married 30, 40, 50 years. They all married their high school or college sweethearts. My mom met my dad at 15. They married when she was 21, and that was SCANDALOUS because my mom "waited". My dad wanted to get married at 18.

My only beef is with the free milk adage. Here's the problem. Withholding the milk only withholds the milk for you too (ewww, that really went in a bad direction), but you get my drift. The other problem, and I will thank Eddie Murphy for this logic, is that when the guy finally gets the milk he's sooooo excited and can't get enough of the milk.... YEAH!! But then after a while, he's like hmmm... I just have regular milk. In fact, many men will start to think the milk is spoiled or crave other flavors of milk... I mean, why not soy milk? Get my point?

So you tell me, is the adage true? I think you have to properly withhold the milk for a while, but then ya know... make a milk shake. When milkshakes get old, make cheese (ewww..), okay, you get what I mean. Feel free to chime in. Cows/milk/free? I also believe in the adage "don't buy the car without taking it for a testdrive."

I'm WALKIN' HERE!

What to do while waiting for the dating gods to smile on you? Work out. Shop. Read.

This morning I lost an additional pound as the shit was scared out of me by a truck whose driver was NOT paying attention to the fact I was crossing the street. In my mind, I banged on his hood and screamed, "I'm WALKIN' here!!!" ala Ratso himself Dustin Hoffman (Midnight Cowboy). In reality I turned and glared at him and called him a jerk-off...out loud...with my Ipod on. Oops, his window was open. Wow, he seemed pissed.

Off to the greenway, which is a HUGE perk of living in North Carolina (it's miles & miles of paths for hiking, walking, biking), but the downside is that there are toooo many snakes in this state and if anyone knows me they know I'm scared to death of snakes. I've seen 2 on the greenway in the two years I've lived here. A third wrapped itself on the balcony of my apartment about a week after I moved in. I can't think about that, as I refuse to this day to go on my balcony, no matter how lovely it is in October (that's when I tell everyone else in the cold to suck it). So while I jog, my eyes are constantly darting back and forth, back and forth, eyeing the grassline for snakes.

Oh, the other downside of the NC? The heat in the summer. Even at 9:30am it was steaming, literally steaming - YES, steam rising up off the wooden planks of the greenway. I expected to hear a howler monkey any minute and to run across some tribal Amazonian with a bone through his nose shooting poison darts at wayward joggers (hmmm.. potential date?). It's going to be 95 today. With the humidity that's so-hot-your-ass-crack-sweats hot.

I also discovered I have an annoying habit of singing my songs out loud while I jog. I seemed to amuse a few joggers who passed me with my rendition of "Electric Avenue". They seemed less enthused with my rendition of "Me So Horny." Geez...everyone's a critic.

The truth is, the fitness stuff makes me feel good. I've been battling and battling to get off the 20 lbs I gained in my last relationship (it needs to GOOOOOO!) and I go up & down, up & down. I'm down some of those pounds, but still need to keep up the momentum and now that I'm out of school, it's project ME time. What else am I going to do? Watch Real Housewives repeats over & over? And the best part? The exercise pays off. My body is SLAMMIN'... well, underneath a layer of chub that needs to melt off. But damn it, once that happens, it's ON bitches!

Things to do when dating turns sucky

So dating has been a literal DESERT of possibilities, er... non possibilities, so I'm going to focus on all the things I can do to occupy my time now that I'm out of school (yeah, summer!). Everyone envisions that teachers spend their summers on white sand beaches covered in luscious Banana Boat tanning oil, miles & miles from the nearest teenager. Yeah, that's what we WISH we could be doing. In reality I have no money and have to attend training sessions all summer for school, topped with moving in a few weeks. Oh what fun. So with dating being frankly non-existent, I could really use some suggestions on how to keep busy. Of course, a job would make sense, but with said training & moving, it's difficult to secure employment with the caveat, "ah but I can't work these days, these days or these days". Employers LOVE that.

First on my list - my love affair with dairy creamer is on my mind every morning. It's been going on for years, and while in my life I have cut out a lot of "bad" stuff like high fructose corn syrup, this is the one thing in my life that is soooo Brokeback. I just can't quit you Chocolate Chip Creme Brulee creamer!!!

So after my love affair each morning, it might be time to work on my tan. Okay, I only allow about 20 minutes of REAL sun followed by a slathering of SPF. I'm 35 and still look totally 29. I don't want to ruin that (I might also be delusional about that, but oh well, my friends totally agree).

There's also time at the gym, which I refer to as, "Minute by minute agony in which I want to stab little girl running class with pointy objects." Seriously, every time we do those tricep lifts where you heft your entire body off the bench with just your muscles? Let me lift YOUR 102 lbs... no problem. The instructors always seems to focus on me saying, "You can do it!!" in this annoying cheerleader-sorority-ra-ra voice that makes me want to stab more objects in her head. I could do it with a fork lift sweety. Pass me a donut.

Other ways to pass my time besides reading my chick-lit books, mixed with a few popular bestsellers and classics (thus my "well-rounded" literary canon), I'm at a loss. I could accept dates with homeless, vagrant ex-cons (and parolees) just to entertain you folks, but something tells me that's not a good idea. I'm open to suggestions.

In a state of stupidity!

That's all I can surmise.

I went on a 2nd date with Sean* this weekend, and had a GREAT time. We went to an awesome wine festival up in the mountains. It was super duper hot, and drinking the wine... oh that hit me kinda quick, but it was a GREAT fun date : ) Then went to a park with a river afterwards and kinda walked in the water. It was fun! The problem I'm having is that I'm having all these confused feelings. I like Sean, he's sweet and in many ways totally different from my ex - he pays much closer attention to me, not obsessed with phone and ex-wife,etc. He's considerate, opens doors and such, but he's more of a "girl's guy", than a "guy's guy" and I've always gone for the "guy's guy". But then again... I'm still single. Maybe I SHOULD be looking for a different kind of guy. I sense this guy has a really good heart.

The only shallow thing I have to say (and yes, I recognize my shallowness) is.. He wore jean shorts. I will overlook this, but allow me to say, I HATE HATE HATE jean shorts on guys. And white tennis shoes. I hate any jeans with white tennis shoes. It's a personal pet peeve that I will overlook. I promise. And he wore a camouflage army-type drawstring hat at the wine festival. (sigh)...

The things that kind made me wonder are things like him blowing me kisses on the phone and when I walked away to go to the restroom. It was a little tooooo mushy for me. I'm just not that kind a' girl. He was blowing kisses on the phone this past week after our 1st date. I thought it was too much and then when he did it in person it was too much again. There were a few things he said and I was wondering "is he holding back the hick?" (See previous posts with my hick encounters)

So it's still a question mark with this guy. I think the problem is, I'm so new out of my last relationship that I'm questioning and over analyzing everything. He is kind. He is sweet. He's a good guy. I need to focus on that. Take it slow, having fun, getting to know him and just take it from there. : )

It just sucks that I am having a tough time reading this one. I'm usually always "yes" or "no" and with this guy, it's like a great big "I don't know". My friends & family think 1 - I'm still getting over my last relationship and 2 - I'm still a little scared to enter a new relationship.

I don't doubt it. So I think the slow roll.. is the way to go! : )