I was winked at by a 67 year old on match.com (I'm 34) and this got be wondering... could I? His profile says he's "looking for someone to spend my time and money on". I have time. I don't have money. Could this be the perfect relationship?
Now I know some people have May-December relationships and GOD BLESS YOU! Hey - I'm not judging; I'm speaking of ME here and I've never been into dudes old enough to be my dad (and my dad is 69.. FYI) What would we possibly have in common? I get a creepy vibe from the whole thing. Again, just me.
Can I be a Gretchen? (the chic from Real Housewives of Orange County who hooked up with an old dude) Can I go out with a guy I'm totally and completely not interested in just because he has money? Could I spend every day... just for stuff? Hmmm.. I dunno. Let's weigh the pros and cons:
Pros:
Money
Jewelry
Car
Rent
Free liquor (cuz damn, I would seriously need it)
Clothes
Boating
My parents will have another pinochle buddy
Nice meals
Vacations
I can learn to play shuffleboard
Find out what the hell canasta is
Fiber products at my disposal
Cons:
Saggy ass
Saggy balls
Viagra
Saggy jowls
Early bird specials
Pre-nuptial agreements
Living in retirement village (although the quiet would be nice)
Impending alcoholism caused by incessant drunken-ness
Boating with saggy ass, balls, jowls
Nice meals with saggy ass, balls, jowls
Vacations with saggy ass, balls, jowls
Yeah, that's a big fat no. It's not worth it.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I am NOT a reporter!
I often talk about "red flags" in dating and this a huge one that bugs the daylights out of me - incomplete profile information or starting off with 'I don't know what to say". WTF?
If you can’t take the time to fill out a complete profile with information about you, then you don’t have time for serious dating. I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve looked at that say, “I don’t know what to put here” or there are short, 1-2 word answers. This is your time to SHINE. Convince me you are worth dating. Tell me about your hobbies and things that you love to do. Tell me what you’re looking for. Don’t tell me “I’ve never done this and have no idea what to say.” One of the best profiles I saw was specific and said he was looking for a “stay at home” type of woman. I knew that was not me. Another man said he loved women who are witty, spunky and have a smile that lights up the room. That one was a hit for me. Be honest in what you like and don’t like. Don’t put “ask me anything”. It’s not my job to ask you the questions. I’m not a reporter looking for an interview. Your profile is your adversiting section – a resume that I’m going to scan for compatibility . It’s your job to tell me about YOU. It’s not my job to ask the right questions.
Why is it that guys always put this??
On the personal dating front... not a lot happening. Sick of putting the digits out there with no calls. Why ask for my number dude? I'm hoping to see Starbucks dude again when he returns from his business trip... he has potential.
Oh, except one thing *GINA and I are out at the bar last night and I decide to call random dudes in the cell phone (why, oh why?) and I call the idiot that stood me up a few weeks ago. He winds up meeting us at the bar. I wound up realizing that I don't like him. I think I need to leave the cell phone HOME when I go to the bar!
If you can’t take the time to fill out a complete profile with information about you, then you don’t have time for serious dating. I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve looked at that say, “I don’t know what to put here” or there are short, 1-2 word answers. This is your time to SHINE. Convince me you are worth dating. Tell me about your hobbies and things that you love to do. Tell me what you’re looking for. Don’t tell me “I’ve never done this and have no idea what to say.” One of the best profiles I saw was specific and said he was looking for a “stay at home” type of woman. I knew that was not me. Another man said he loved women who are witty, spunky and have a smile that lights up the room. That one was a hit for me. Be honest in what you like and don’t like. Don’t put “ask me anything”. It’s not my job to ask you the questions. I’m not a reporter looking for an interview. Your profile is your adversiting section – a resume that I’m going to scan for compatibility . It’s your job to tell me about YOU. It’s not my job to ask the right questions.
Why is it that guys always put this??
On the personal dating front... not a lot happening. Sick of putting the digits out there with no calls. Why ask for my number dude? I'm hoping to see Starbucks dude again when he returns from his business trip... he has potential.
Oh, except one thing *GINA and I are out at the bar last night and I decide to call random dudes in the cell phone (why, oh why?) and I call the idiot that stood me up a few weeks ago. He winds up meeting us at the bar. I wound up realizing that I don't like him. I think I need to leave the cell phone HOME when I go to the bar!
Monday, June 15, 2009
I hear banjo music.. this can't be good.
Date #1 - coffee with bachelor #1 was fantastic. Met at 9:30, stayed until 11:15, which is a good sign. Conversation was great! Bad part is that he's heading out of the country until the 27th, but he did send a text today, so I take that as something hopeful. I like him! : )
Now for date #2. Yes folks, I had ANOTHER hick. I think this is the 4th one. They lurk 'round these parts I guess (shit, did I just say that?). This one has a degree in physics and is an engineer. What college gave THIS guy a degree? It's frightening to ponder. We agree to meet for a drink and he picks the place - sounds like a sportsbar. Fine by me, but I'd never been there, so I didn't know what to expect. Shithole. That's what it was. I was pretty offended when I saw the place. I drove past and proceeded to call my sister-in-law, asking if she thought I should even go in. I've never ditched on a date, but c'mon - you don't take a girl to a shithole moron. You instantly told me just how much you thought of me at that point. I mean - hello? 1st date? A shithole? Come to think of it "The Shithole" would have been a better name. Think I'm lying? The waitress locked the door after we came in and I innocently asked if they were closing (please, please be closing so I can leave) and she replies, "No, at night we lock the door. You have to ring the bell to get in. We've been robbed too many times." Seriously.
So yeah, the guy is a hick. He talked about cement, which he pronounced SEE-ment and how all the guys he works with get "ripped drunk" all the time. Note: they are working on a huge construction project in Charlotte. I will never. EVER. set foot in that building. THESE are the guys constructing this? Oh, and he talked about fly fishing. And Nascar.
The only note-worthy event of the night is when I bent down to scratch a mosquito bite. He says, "what's wrong?" I say "nothing, just a mosquito bite I got while jogging." He says: "Yeah, you must work out a lot. I noticed you have incredible legs when you walked in." Nice compliment, except he proceeds to reach down and pat, pat me on the calf. What am I? A freakin' thoroughbred and you're patting to check my muscle density? Like "Yup, I'd put a saddle on this one and ride in allllllllllllllll day long!" (Please say with the hick-i-est accent you can muster). Or perhaps I'm like a car and he's "kickin' the tires"? Yeah, no checking the goods for stability, my friend.
I lasted one hour, watching the clock the entire time. He wants to see me again. I want to see a therapist and find out why I keep picking hicks.
Oh, and my good friend *Gina went out with a guy last night who's crown kept falling out and he kept apologizing. Teeth falling out? I say deal-breaker. She might go out with him again. As Gina says, "Girl's gotta eat."
Now for date #2. Yes folks, I had ANOTHER hick. I think this is the 4th one. They lurk 'round these parts I guess (shit, did I just say that?). This one has a degree in physics and is an engineer. What college gave THIS guy a degree? It's frightening to ponder. We agree to meet for a drink and he picks the place - sounds like a sportsbar. Fine by me, but I'd never been there, so I didn't know what to expect. Shithole. That's what it was. I was pretty offended when I saw the place. I drove past and proceeded to call my sister-in-law, asking if she thought I should even go in. I've never ditched on a date, but c'mon - you don't take a girl to a shithole moron. You instantly told me just how much you thought of me at that point. I mean - hello? 1st date? A shithole? Come to think of it "The Shithole" would have been a better name. Think I'm lying? The waitress locked the door after we came in and I innocently asked if they were closing (please, please be closing so I can leave) and she replies, "No, at night we lock the door. You have to ring the bell to get in. We've been robbed too many times." Seriously.
So yeah, the guy is a hick. He talked about cement, which he pronounced SEE-ment and how all the guys he works with get "ripped drunk" all the time. Note: they are working on a huge construction project in Charlotte. I will never. EVER. set foot in that building. THESE are the guys constructing this? Oh, and he talked about fly fishing. And Nascar.
The only note-worthy event of the night is when I bent down to scratch a mosquito bite. He says, "what's wrong?" I say "nothing, just a mosquito bite I got while jogging." He says: "Yeah, you must work out a lot. I noticed you have incredible legs when you walked in." Nice compliment, except he proceeds to reach down and pat, pat me on the calf. What am I? A freakin' thoroughbred and you're patting to check my muscle density? Like "Yup, I'd put a saddle on this one and ride in allllllllllllllll day long!" (Please say with the hick-i-est accent you can muster). Or perhaps I'm like a car and he's "kickin' the tires"? Yeah, no checking the goods for stability, my friend.
I lasted one hour, watching the clock the entire time. He wants to see me again. I want to see a therapist and find out why I keep picking hicks.
Oh, and my good friend *Gina went out with a guy last night who's crown kept falling out and he kept apologizing. Teeth falling out? I say deal-breaker. She might go out with him again. As Gina says, "Girl's gotta eat."
Friday, June 12, 2009
Dear Dr. Warren...
Dear Dr. Warren,
I'd like to say that the services at Eharmony have not quite lived up to expectation.. oh what the hell... Fuck you Dr. Warren!
Your service sucks. First of all, one of the first dates you sent me on in my new state was with a boob-watching lech who met me at a Moose (see page 1 of this blog). The scary part - according to you we were matched on many levels. What levels were those? He and I both like boobs (I do like mine, but still). We both like Red Lobster? We both um... ??? Please tell me the lasting bonds of relationships are not forged over the love of cheesy biscuits and cleavage.
I also hate your commercials. I've seen a total of what? 3 couples who have been matched, and the two on your website (LJ and Shannon... fuck them too) are the same every time you log on. So that's a total of 4 successful couples. If I see that hockey playing douchebag one more time I'm going to scream. Bravo Dr. Warren. The commercials are so story-book, happily-ever-after bullshit. Like my good friend Tiff says - I just want a man who will last longer than my oil change. Should I put that in my profile?
Maybe you should stop matching me based on my occupation. I'm onto you. I'm a teacher (shhh), so every idiot who writes "teacher" in their profile, it matches us. Is that SERIOUSLY the 'matched on many levels' crap you tout? So if someone puts "I'm hot for teachers".. that's the dude I get. Great. Think of the poor nurses out there who get the "I'm inspired by a naughty nurse." God help the french maids.
So Dr. Warren, I'm letting my subscription end because I seriously think after 6 months, you could've found me SOMEONE normal, or with less than 3,000 miles. I mean, seriously dude.
I'd like to say that the services at Eharmony have not quite lived up to expectation.. oh what the hell... Fuck you Dr. Warren!
Your service sucks. First of all, one of the first dates you sent me on in my new state was with a boob-watching lech who met me at a Moose (see page 1 of this blog). The scary part - according to you we were matched on many levels. What levels were those? He and I both like boobs (I do like mine, but still). We both like Red Lobster? We both um... ??? Please tell me the lasting bonds of relationships are not forged over the love of cheesy biscuits and cleavage.
I also hate your commercials. I've seen a total of what? 3 couples who have been matched, and the two on your website (LJ and Shannon... fuck them too) are the same every time you log on. So that's a total of 4 successful couples. If I see that hockey playing douchebag one more time I'm going to scream. Bravo Dr. Warren. The commercials are so story-book, happily-ever-after bullshit. Like my good friend Tiff says - I just want a man who will last longer than my oil change. Should I put that in my profile?
Maybe you should stop matching me based on my occupation. I'm onto you. I'm a teacher (shhh), so every idiot who writes "teacher" in their profile, it matches us. Is that SERIOUSLY the 'matched on many levels' crap you tout? So if someone puts "I'm hot for teachers".. that's the dude I get. Great. Think of the poor nurses out there who get the "I'm inspired by a naughty nurse." God help the french maids.
So Dr. Warren, I'm letting my subscription end because I seriously think after 6 months, you could've found me SOMEONE normal, or with less than 3,000 miles. I mean, seriously dude.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Please let these dates work out!!
So I have 2 dates lined up and I swear if I get stood up again, I'm crawling back in my hole!!
I've been out of the dating scene for a few weeks due to a crazy couple weeks, but I'm back in the saddle again (where IS my whip??)
Saturday morning - Date #1. Coffee at Starbucks. Safe. Quick. I hope it works out.
Date #2 - Drinks Sunday night. Safe. Quick. I hope it works out.
Date 1 is 12 years older, good job, seems like a fun guy but seems very laid back/casual, playing like he doesn't care that much about the date.
Date 2 is 5 years younger, good job, but might be a hick. Remember, I lack hick-dar since I grew up in the north and live in the south now. It's broken. But he's an engineer and perhaps I'll regret saying this but "How much of a hick can he be??" : ) We'll find out.
I've been out of the dating scene for a few weeks due to a crazy couple weeks, but I'm back in the saddle again (where IS my whip??)
Saturday morning - Date #1. Coffee at Starbucks. Safe. Quick. I hope it works out.
Date #2 - Drinks Sunday night. Safe. Quick. I hope it works out.
Date 1 is 12 years older, good job, seems like a fun guy but seems very laid back/casual, playing like he doesn't care that much about the date.
Date 2 is 5 years younger, good job, but might be a hick. Remember, I lack hick-dar since I grew up in the north and live in the south now. It's broken. But he's an engineer and perhaps I'll regret saying this but "How much of a hick can he be??" : ) We'll find out.
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