Online dating.. the "check"

I'm a chick, therefore I overanalyze.

I talked to the Fugster on the phone and let me say - he sounds VERY nice. Very nice voice, nice conversation, but a few things are bugging me. I can take it if I'm just being overly picky, overly analytical.. but what's with this? On eharmony you can see "Who's Viewed Me" and pretty much EVERY day, the Fugster has viewed me. What's up with that? I think it's weird. Literally, for the past 2 weeks, every day he's viewed my profile. Is he doing what I do - showing his profile to my friends? LOL.. but I only did that once, AND I have enough sense to make my views "Anonymous". I'm getting a little creeped out by this one. My neighbor friend says he looks like a child molester. Is he going to hack me into 52 pieces and keeps clicking on my profile to figure the best way to chop me up?

Oh boy... maybe I'm not being too picky here.

But then the other is the kid issue. I love my friends who have kids. I love kids. I just don't really think I want any of my own. So when a guy says "You'll love doing this with my kids.." that "freaked out" feeling grows within me. I get that kids are an important part of his life and I think that's great - kids come first, but I also think kids come after you've been dating a few months. Yes, I want to know a bit about them, but Fugster mentioned something about some Christmas pageant his kid is in and sort of said something like "you would really enjoy it." Now, again - don't get me wrong. I'm dating someone for a few months and it's pageant time - great. But I don't go on dates to kid's recitals, pageants, etc. I'm getting the "too much too soon" feeling and yikes - it's scaring the bajeezers out of me!!!!!!!

Your opinion: How do you feel about dating someone with kids? When is the right time to meet them?

"Could you, like, um... leave?" & a furby update...

Met the furby today for a quick drink at a local pub. It went well, great conversation and a really nice, normal guy but... no sparks. Oh, and he did wear an ugly sweater (can I call it, or can I call it?), but I was able to overlook that and enjoy myself for the 2 hours I was there. Conversation was easy, but I see him more as a "friend" than anything else. The funniest part though (I mean, it's not funny, but it is) is that he tells me he has an artifical hip. And I was already feeling weird about our 10 year age difference!! OMG.. are the men in my dating field starting to get the spare parts already? GEEZZZZZZ! It reminds me of the SATC episode where Sam does her neighbor Lenny who talks about all his aches & pains thru dinner (and an artificial hip). We sort of had a moment like that and I thought "oh. no." But to keep things on the bright side, cuz let's face it, I'm a bit cynical right now - he WAS a completely normal, great guy... who just didn't happen to float my boat. Oh well.. onward..

Now.. to pose an unrelated question to everyone after a conversation with another single friend of mine...

It's regarding the illicit, totally slefish, I-don't-want-you-for-anything-but-sex roll in the hay. Ladies, you have a great time, yeah - that was fun and then... HE WON'T LEAVE! What do you do?

Is it socially appropriate to ask a guy to leave? How do you DO that without being rude? After all, another booty call could be in order and a girl doesn't want to burn bridges. Beyond a cattle prod (which he could believe is a kinky sex toy), what's a girl to do to claim her bed back and roll that snoring log-of-a-man out the door? Just curious because this happened to a friend of mine. I thought I'd see what anyone out there has tried..

A furby or a fugster.. these are my options?

Let me just say, the well has run DRY in the dating pool. Considering that I live in a big city, this is just, sad. Maybe the economy is running the guys away from eharmony, who knows? All I know is, desperate times call for desperate dating. But how desperate AM I? My two latest matches I shall refer to as the furby and the fugster. Please feel free to vote - go out with both (you all just want a good story, I know)? The furby? The fugster?

The furby - 44. 10 years older. Yikes. I'm not really into the older dudes, mostly because they are boring and come with baggage, but I'm willing right? Remember, the pool is almost empty on the online front. Our initial match said he was 5'8. Now that profile has changed to 5'6. WTF? I'm not into short dudes so now, I'm sort of stuck because we're at the "talking on the phone" stage. Decent converstation though, so that's good. Am I that shallow I would exclude a guy for being shorter than me? Hmmm.. I just might be. The worst part has been the tour of photos on his profile that's like looking at the scrapbook of perpetually hideous shirts. You know how some employers have those "Worst Christmas Sweater" or "Worst Hawaiian Shirt" contests? I'm quite certain he would win... both contests. Each picture contains a shirt uglier than the first. It's a rolling photo book of constant ugliness.

And then.. there's the 'stache. Yeaaaah, will someone tell these dudes that the Tom Selleck, aka Magnum P.I. 'stache went out in... 1982?? 'Staches = old. Goatees = pot smoker. Okay, not really, I've seen some hotties with the goattees. But 'staches are awful. You look like an old dude who trolls the high school leering at the young uns'. Ew.

There is another issue though. The furby is, well.. okay he's just furry, hence why I refer to him as the furby. I see tufts of black hair poking out from those ugly shirts and try to envision myself snuggled up against it. Ew. Will my earrings catch in the black forest? Would wayward hairs stick against my contacts? Perhaps I could make this furry fellow more fashionable with some gold chains and an awesome gold pinky ring? Something tells me, he already owns those. I won't even go into my fear of the "manscaping" situation, but something tells me if I went there, my friends might never find me cause I'd be lost forever, wandering in the jungle, never to be seen again. Ew.

Then there is the fugster. Now, I know I'm not a model and yes, we all have our issues.. but homedude.. is ugly. F'n ugly.. hence = fugster. Again, old..er. 43 and kids involved, so there is baggage. We haven't talked on the phone and he's already talking about me meeting his kids and hanging out with them. UGH. Not that I don't love kids, I do, but ya know - let me get to know YOU and see if I'm interested in you before you lay the kids on me. I know that many dating people with kids feel like they are a "package deal", but don't rush that package express or I'll run away cause you'll freak me out with overload, thinking you're trying to make me a new "mommy" or something. Just a little pointer there.

Both have good jobs and could be totally completely wonderful guys. But are these really my only options?

We'll find out....

"Short Term Memory Loss"

I meet my buddy Tiffany up at the bar Saturday night. I sit next to this guy, Ben* at the bar. Ben seems normal (they always do) and starts talking to me. Tells me that he works for some company. I say, "Well what do you do?" He replies, "My company names things". Um.. can you explain?

"Well, you know the Escalade for Cadillac, we named that. Microsoft Outlook, we named that too." So you're in marketing? "Well, kinda."

Okay, is this guy lying to me? What the heck? So I ask, "What's your actual title?" to which he says "I'm a consultant." 5 minutes later we're talking and he says, "Yeah, so we name things at the company I work for... blah blah blah.." I say "yeah, I know, you just told me that."

We continue talking. No joke 5 minutes later he tells me AGAIN what he does. "We name things, the Cadillac Escalade, Microsoft Outlook." I turn to him and say, "Do I look like I was hit in the head?" and he says "No, why?" I say "I'm assuming you think I have short-term memory loss?" and he says "No, why?" and I say, "Cause you just told me the same freakin' thing 3 times!"

Of course I laugh while saying this. He rebounds with "Well I guess I was distracted because you're so beautiful." Nice.. very nice rebound. I say "thank you" and he says, "What, you don't think you're beautiful?" I say "What do you mean, I just said 'thank you!'" He retorts, "Well you said it like you don't really mean it." I reply, "No, really, I know I"m hot, but thanks. I love to hear it. Was that better for you?"

I mean, really, the dumb things guys say. Oh, and then he tells me to feel his arms.. 3 times. Yeah, so you have some nice guns, babe. What else ya got to offer? So whatever, conversation is moving along and then he just comes out and says, "I'm really horny." I say "You're a guy, I guess it goes with the territory. They do have prostitutes for that ya know." He says, "Why would I be with a prostitute when I can be with you?"

Oh, oh oh. Now THAT was a compliment ??? I say "sorry babe, I'm a quality type girl, not quantity." He says "what does that mean?" Really? So I explain "I'm into QUALITY guys cause I'm a QUALITY girl." He tells me he wants to kiss me. Ah, the effect I have on drunk men is astounding, isn't it? Yeah... so I totally kissed him in the parking lot. What? A girl's gotta get SOMETHING to post on her blog. He was a good kisser though. A definite 9 in that department. Ah, at least I still know the random hookups are available, even if I'm not interested. Oh - and he told me he thought I was 25. But then again, he also equated me with a prostitute, so how much faith can I put in this? till next tragic date or bar disaster...

Meet me at the moose.. the worst dating story.. EVER!

I met Mitchell* on eharmony and we immediately hit it off. His profile showed he was 5'10, a little extra weight - VERY cute from his pics. In fact I was soooo nervous about this date worrying that he wouldn’t be attracted to me. We get to the talking on the phone stage and had some GREAT conversations for days and hours... I should have smelled it coming.I should've been warned when he suggested meeting "at the moose at the Bass Pro Shop" but being from the city, I thought he was being funny. No - he was indeed a class A hick, but definitely hid it well on the phone. I wear my cute black bermudas with a cute black & white top and fun heels. I meet Mitchell* at the moose at Bass Pro Shop (didn't I smell the foreshadowing?) and he's 1 - only 5'8, 2 inches shorter than he stated 2 - a lot thinner than his picture (I don't like em' too thin) 3 - wearing a crappy baseball hat, t-shirt and crappy jeans. But the looks can't possibly compare with the next phrase that came out of his mouth. Yes the first words he says to me? "Your titties look amazing in that shirt", proceeded by a teeth sucking "heh heh" sound that is straight from one of those guys in Deliverance. Now, I should have just walked away, but I nervously laughed and said, "wow, did you really just say that me??"

Literally the first couple sentences out of his mouth had to do with how I looked hot.. but not in a good way. I definitely felt uncomfortable but started thinking "can I just get my free dinner and get outta here?" So we go to Chili's at the mall and he keeps reaching over, in public, groping my ass. I tell him to stop of course and he thinks I'm joking. I said "no, I'm not joking".. I'm thinking - is this worth a free dinner?

So we go to dinner and I change the topic from his sexually charged banter to serious stuff. He told me he used to be a cop but his profile said he's a carpenter, so I ask him why he stopped being a cop. He basically tells me he won't get into details but there were "several incidents" where "people died.. not just one" and he was "messed up" over it and had to go to counseling for a long time. He then informs me that he's still on 2 different medications for his problems and that he might be bipolar. Mmmm... Nothing says sexy like talking mental illness on a 1st date.

This date is looking up, huh? :P We leave the agonizing dinner and are walking over to this book store and he sticks his finger in his nose and pretends to wipe it on me. No, I'm not lying. I said "what the f%^ do you think you're doing?" and he said "nothing" and then proceeded to do it again, then he starts like.. picking my ass with his fingernail and I say, "What are you doing??" and he said, "Trying to get the booger from under my fingernail." I reply with, "DUDE.. you need to keep your hands off me" and we arrive at the bookstore and I ditch him there to contemplate how I can leave without him seeing.

So he returns, walks up behind me, puts his hand around my waist and seriously, in the middle of the bookstore, attempts to put his hands on my boobs. I push him off of me and say"let's go". We were supposed to go see a movie but I wind up telling him that it's getting late and I'm not comfortable driving around at night yet (I moved to a new city), so could we call it a night? On the way out he says to me “I have a load on deck that could choke a donkey”… or basically, he need to use the bathroom for #2. Charming. I have to be honest, if he hadn't told me the "bipolar" thing.. I would've just bailed, but I was kinda afraid to make him mad! And who knows what the police thing was, but my gut tells me that he killed someone!! SCARY! Ah.. some lucky lady out there in NC will be the next to meet this charming fellow... So there you have it, the worst dating story... EVER. I'm available to tell this story, in person, at your next BBQ, campfire or Bar Mitzvah.

My intro...

My friends have been bugging me for years to post my horrid, sordid and all around fantabulous experiences in the dating world. Does it really have to be this hard? I can tell you that everything I post is 100% true and only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and not-so-innocent... I hope you enjoy my tales, stories and experiences from dating as a 30-something professional woman who's just looking for a decent guy.. are they really out there?