Breakups suck. That's all there is to it. After my break-up there was the inevitable regret, but I knew that would happen. Somehow, all the hurt starts to melt and you miss the good parts, but the truth was, the last 3 months were mostly the bad - crying because I felt rejected and unloved. In fact, I don't even remember the last time Hal told me I looked pretty or paid me an honest compliment. I knew I would have those "regret" moments, and I still do have moments of sadness, but truth is... I did the right thing. Hal didn't realize how much he was hurting me, and I don't think he really cared. How can I be with someone who doesn't care? Oh, but the break-ups suck. I'm concentrating on ME right now. I don't even want to THINK about dating. Although the other day while jogging, a guy was checking me out and said "hello" and smiled. That was enough and made me feel good. I'm working out and making a huge overhaul to how I eat - cutting out high fructose corn syrup, eating organic, and I'm doing strength-training and jogging/walking each week, basically working out every single day because it's keeping me sane. It's keeping my endorphins up and it's keeping me occupied. Oh - and it's making me feel better about myself, and I'm losing weight - 4 lbs this week. I'm also reading, doing hobbies - anything and everything to keep me from just thinking about Hal. And I'm noticing every day, it gets a little easier.
Today was tough - went out to get some food and there were two couples and the one husband was just affectionately rubbing his wife's back. Just an arm around her, but that affection, that genuine love was so evident in that simple gesture. I hadn't had that from Hal is soooo long. That hurt. I needed to hear something positive. I know I was the one who usually said "I love you" first. I think Hal needs to be alone right now. As for me - I need to move on. And I'm working on that, day by day.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
From "we" to just "me" again.
This time around I was the one who did the breaking up, but that doesn't make it any easier. It happened 4 days ago, yet it's all I can think about. The only pervading thought is - I did the right thing, and in that I find comfort.
I loved Hal very much, more than any man in my entire life, but me loving him that much doesn't a relationship make. It can't always be one person. The final straw was Sunday. I had been visiting my family and been gone for 9 days. The whole time there I was thinking of him, buying him souvenirs and things. When I returned, he was out of town in Vermont for a grad class. He returned at 1:30pm on Sunday. After not seeing me for 9 days, I was excited ... SO excited to see him. At 1:30, he texted me and told me he landed and I asked, "When should I come over?" His response: "I don't know". About 1/2 hour later I question this "I don't know" and he tells me 'I don't know. I have a lot to do." I don't know about you, but to me, that was a pretty clear sign. And the "lot to do" was him looking for a credit card he'd been looking for for 2 weeks (so hello - why wouldn't you look for that while I'm gone)?? And doing laundry. He blew me off for about 5 hours and then said to come over. When we went to dinner, I asked him if he missed me and his response was, "Eh, just a little". But he wasn't joking. He saw my deflated look and said, "Did you heard me?" And I responded, "Uh, yes, I heard you." And he said, "Well I did miss you a little. I was just really busy."
And there it is - the past 3 months have been like this. Almost the same thing happened on Valentine's Day. I surprised my man with a dinner of NY strips & potatoes and I dressed in a little "something special" and my man basically chuckled, proceeded to eat his dinner, pay his bills and do anything but be with me. Finally after oh - a few hours in this "outfit" I changed. It was humiliating.
I noticed a change. The first few months of our relationship he was all about "us" talking about taking vacations together, doing things together and was all about the "we". The last few months I noticed he started saying things like "Next St. Patty's day I'm going to Ireland with my friend." And we had never been on a trip together. He went from saying that we should go see his parents and he wanted me to meet his brother, to him taking those trips by himself. I understand being gone for trips and wanting "alone" time, but we went from spending nearly every day together to spending maybe 2-3 days a week together. He also starting hanging out in the bar, alone or with this beer club he belonged to. The problem with that was - these aren't his friends. He didn't really have friends here - they are all in his hometown. Now, I'm all for a girls' night or guys' night out... absolutely! But he would go and hang, by himself, in the bar. When I would go out with my friends, he would get pissy with me and pick a fight. Once he told me he had all this custody stuff to work on (and true, that's been a huge stress), but then the next day we chat all day over email and he says nothing, until 5:00pm when I post I'm meeting a friend for after work drinks, and boy does he get mad. Then he claims he is done with his "custody stuff" and could've gone out with me... well then, why didn't you tell me all day while we were talking? Cuz he was full of shit. He wanted to see me when he wanted to see me, turning me into a "sometimes" girlfriend. I'm nobody's "sometimes" girlfriend.
It turned into this push me away, pull me in type of thing and I was just done. It's too much to even write the whole thing, but his actions and words told me that he wasn't in a place for this relationship, and I value myself to know that I'm worth a whole lot more than taking whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. I understand he has a lot of issues right now with his ex and his custody stuff, but instead of letting me be his partner in that, he pushed me away. I should've been the person he wanted to escape WITH, to relax WITH, to be WITH as he went thru this, but I wasn't. I think his anger with his ex just consumed every good part of him and he couldn't see around that. I hope that one day he's able to let that go, but I'm not willing to settle for "what I can get" and I was tired of being more unhappy than I am happy.
What I learned is that I deserve to be loved and missed and adored and... all of that! And also - don't get involved with a man in the middle of custody issues!! I know it's no fairy tale, but dang - my man should at least miss me after 9 days! Heck, I miss my man when he's gone for just a weekend! I started to see that this was a one-sided love and that, they say... is history.
The thought of dating again though is NOT a fun one, so I'm spending my time just for ME, losing a few lbs, eating right, exercising, reading some good books and going out with my friends and finding my "fun" again. I know it will return : ) And I know I did the right thing, because bottom line - I'm worth it.
I loved Hal very much, more than any man in my entire life, but me loving him that much doesn't a relationship make. It can't always be one person. The final straw was Sunday. I had been visiting my family and been gone for 9 days. The whole time there I was thinking of him, buying him souvenirs and things. When I returned, he was out of town in Vermont for a grad class. He returned at 1:30pm on Sunday. After not seeing me for 9 days, I was excited ... SO excited to see him. At 1:30, he texted me and told me he landed and I asked, "When should I come over?" His response: "I don't know". About 1/2 hour later I question this "I don't know" and he tells me 'I don't know. I have a lot to do." I don't know about you, but to me, that was a pretty clear sign. And the "lot to do" was him looking for a credit card he'd been looking for for 2 weeks (so hello - why wouldn't you look for that while I'm gone)?? And doing laundry. He blew me off for about 5 hours and then said to come over. When we went to dinner, I asked him if he missed me and his response was, "Eh, just a little". But he wasn't joking. He saw my deflated look and said, "Did you heard me?" And I responded, "Uh, yes, I heard you." And he said, "Well I did miss you a little. I was just really busy."
And there it is - the past 3 months have been like this. Almost the same thing happened on Valentine's Day. I surprised my man with a dinner of NY strips & potatoes and I dressed in a little "something special" and my man basically chuckled, proceeded to eat his dinner, pay his bills and do anything but be with me. Finally after oh - a few hours in this "outfit" I changed. It was humiliating.
I noticed a change. The first few months of our relationship he was all about "us" talking about taking vacations together, doing things together and was all about the "we". The last few months I noticed he started saying things like "Next St. Patty's day I'm going to Ireland with my friend." And we had never been on a trip together. He went from saying that we should go see his parents and he wanted me to meet his brother, to him taking those trips by himself. I understand being gone for trips and wanting "alone" time, but we went from spending nearly every day together to spending maybe 2-3 days a week together. He also starting hanging out in the bar, alone or with this beer club he belonged to. The problem with that was - these aren't his friends. He didn't really have friends here - they are all in his hometown. Now, I'm all for a girls' night or guys' night out... absolutely! But he would go and hang, by himself, in the bar. When I would go out with my friends, he would get pissy with me and pick a fight. Once he told me he had all this custody stuff to work on (and true, that's been a huge stress), but then the next day we chat all day over email and he says nothing, until 5:00pm when I post I'm meeting a friend for after work drinks, and boy does he get mad. Then he claims he is done with his "custody stuff" and could've gone out with me... well then, why didn't you tell me all day while we were talking? Cuz he was full of shit. He wanted to see me when he wanted to see me, turning me into a "sometimes" girlfriend. I'm nobody's "sometimes" girlfriend.
It turned into this push me away, pull me in type of thing and I was just done. It's too much to even write the whole thing, but his actions and words told me that he wasn't in a place for this relationship, and I value myself to know that I'm worth a whole lot more than taking whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. I understand he has a lot of issues right now with his ex and his custody stuff, but instead of letting me be his partner in that, he pushed me away. I should've been the person he wanted to escape WITH, to relax WITH, to be WITH as he went thru this, but I wasn't. I think his anger with his ex just consumed every good part of him and he couldn't see around that. I hope that one day he's able to let that go, but I'm not willing to settle for "what I can get" and I was tired of being more unhappy than I am happy.
What I learned is that I deserve to be loved and missed and adored and... all of that! And also - don't get involved with a man in the middle of custody issues!! I know it's no fairy tale, but dang - my man should at least miss me after 9 days! Heck, I miss my man when he's gone for just a weekend! I started to see that this was a one-sided love and that, they say... is history.
The thought of dating again though is NOT a fun one, so I'm spending my time just for ME, losing a few lbs, eating right, exercising, reading some good books and going out with my friends and finding my "fun" again. I know it will return : ) And I know I did the right thing, because bottom line - I'm worth it.
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