Why breakups sucky sucky long time.

I broke up with *Hal months ago, but really finally said "goodbye" for good just about a month ago, and here's what I realize...there is nothing worse than being female and the after-effects of a breakup.

Why?

Because he's just a boy. He don't understand.

What would we do without Beyonce? I'm just sayin'...

Being a female SUCKS because of hormones and emotions and all that shit, because what happens? Those feelings creep back in, because I LOVED him. But what hurts the most? Realizing, finally, that he doesn't and probably never did love me. There, I said it. Sucky sucky.

And that's the hardest message of all to receive, and finally accept, as I'm FINALLY doing. He didn't love me, at least, not in the way I deserved and really, fuck it, that fucker loved his cat and treated that cat better than me. It certainly received more attention. (Deep breath...focus)

But what can you do to stop that person you loved from creeping into your thoughts? You see other couples holding hands. Your mind starts to wander and the WORST feeling of all is envisioning him with another girl. That's the dagger through the heart right there, thinking of him loving someone else more/better/etc. (Insert psycho thoughts....)

But then I'm also realizing one important point about my breakup. I did the right thing. No matter how I over-analyze this in my girl brain. No matter how many times I sit and want to call or email him or text him and shake him back and forth and say, "LOVE ME THE WAY I DESERVED!!!" (Can't I indulge in one or two psycho thoughts?) I can't force him. And he doesn't. So there it is. I did the right thing because he didn't love me. Had I continued, I might have wasted years just settling for something that wasn't everything I know I deserve.

What I deserve: A man who misses me when I'm gone. Who holds me and doesn't think about his phone. Who puts me as a priority every day (or heck, at least every few days). Who values what's wonderful about me - my kind heart, my thoughtfulness and my compassion and doesn't take advantage of that. I deserve someone who LOVES me and really understands me. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him.

I'm willing to sacrifice being alone to get it. Why? Because I love myself and I value myself. I don't find my worth in a man. I don't determine how I feel about myself every day because of how HE makes me feel. And most importantly, I follow my own cardinal rule - I DO NOT chase boys. If a boy ain't chasin' you back - he doesn't care about you. And finally, it's time to just give it up, completely, and I think that was the hardest part for me, because once I find that new guy, that amazing guy, Hal will be forgotten. And damn it...sometimes it's hard to let go (really, this is the makings of a GREAT country song, dontcha think?)

On a bright note, I've met another southern guy on Match, so we'll see how this goes when I return to NC and we can go out on a date. That'll be at least a week, so hold onto your britches till then. LOL.. summer vacation has been interesting too!! LOL.. being home in Michigan has brought back... lots of er... people from the past. Will write more later though.

A furby or a fugster.. these are my options?

Let me just say, the well has run DRY in the dating pool. Considering that I live in a big city, this is just, sad. Maybe the economy is running the guys away from eharmony, who knows? All I know is, desperate times call for desperate dating. But how desperate AM I? My two latest matches I shall refer to as the furby and the fugster. Please feel free to vote - go out with both (you all just want a good story, I know)? The furby? The fugster?

The furby - 44. 10 years older. Yikes. I'm not really into the older dudes, mostly because they are boring and come with baggage, but I'm willing right? Remember, the pool is almost empty on the online front. Our initial match said he was 5'8. Now that profile has changed to 5'6. WTF? I'm not into short dudes so now, I'm sort of stuck because we're at the "talking on the phone" stage. Decent converstation though, so that's good. Am I that shallow I would exclude a guy for being shorter than me? Hmmm.. I just might be. The worst part has been the tour of photos on his profile that's like looking at the scrapbook of perpetually hideous shirts. You know how some employers have those "Worst Christmas Sweater" or "Worst Hawaiian Shirt" contests? I'm quite certain he would win... both contests. Each picture contains a shirt uglier than the first. It's a rolling photo book of constant ugliness.

And then.. there's the 'stache. Yeaaaah, will someone tell these dudes that the Tom Selleck, aka Magnum P.I. 'stache went out in... 1982?? 'Staches = old. Goatees = pot smoker. Okay, not really, I've seen some hotties with the goattees. But 'staches are awful. You look like an old dude who trolls the high school leering at the young uns'. Ew.

There is another issue though. The furby is, well.. okay he's just furry, hence why I refer to him as the furby. I see tufts of black hair poking out from those ugly shirts and try to envision myself snuggled up against it. Ew. Will my earrings catch in the black forest? Would wayward hairs stick against my contacts? Perhaps I could make this furry fellow more fashionable with some gold chains and an awesome gold pinky ring? Something tells me, he already owns those. I won't even go into my fear of the "manscaping" situation, but something tells me if I went there, my friends might never find me cause I'd be lost forever, wandering in the jungle, never to be seen again. Ew.

Then there is the fugster. Now, I know I'm not a model and yes, we all have our issues.. but homedude.. is ugly. F'n ugly.. hence = fugster. Again, old..er. 43 and kids involved, so there is baggage. We haven't talked on the phone and he's already talking about me meeting his kids and hanging out with them. UGH. Not that I don't love kids, I do, but ya know - let me get to know YOU and see if I'm interested in you before you lay the kids on me. I know that many dating people with kids feel like they are a "package deal", but don't rush that package express or I'll run away cause you'll freak me out with overload, thinking you're trying to make me a new "mommy" or something. Just a little pointer there.

Both have good jobs and could be totally completely wonderful guys. But are these really my only options?

We'll find out....