Ladies... meet Douchey Von Weirdo!

My latest eharmony psycho... and YES, I'm convinced that eharm is NOTHING but psychos, has garnered the moniker "Douchey von Weirdo".. so Mr. Weirdo, or Douchey as I like to call him is a nurse. This man is delivering meds and helping sick people, which is frightening. Then again, he is a nurse in an adolescent psychiatric ward. Maybe he's taking his work home with him?

So Douchey and I start with the back-and-forth communication. Ok.. good.

Then it's the open communication. Ok..good.

Then we get to the phone calls & our first phone conversation is fantastic. Ok...good.

We agree to meet on Sunday, which leaves oh... 4 days for this asswipe to mess it up with his stupid text messages. Enter...the land of psycho where men like Douchey send text messages straight out of the Norman Bates files.

First text that started to annoy me: "How was your day princess?"

Um... princess? Okay, before I'm accused of being heartless, keep this one thing in mind - I'VE. NEVER. MET. THIS. GUY. You don't use terms of endearment for people you don't know. And frankly, I've never even really been one to use them in relationships. I think "babe" is about the most creative I get. And princess? That term does NOT fit me, but I let the princess comment go...for now.

But everything he starts asking is physical - he asks me for more pictures, even though I have EIGHT on my profile. Why would you need or want more pictures?

Then the weirder messages started like, "Are you going to dress casual or sexy on our date?" Um.. you'll find out? "Do you like to snuggle?" Uh sure, great fabric softener. "What are your tender spots?" Tender spots? Well actually, the back of my ankle hurts. Oh wait. He means "turn-on" spots. Um... again, we've never met, to which I tell him that guys will find that out IN DUE TIME.

Then he asks if I'm a good kisser. DUH. Does anyone NOT think they are a good kisser? But more importantly, WHY ARE YOU ASKING? I made it abundantly clear in our communications that I wasn't looking to "hook up" and yet all he does is ask questions that someone looking to hook up would ask.

So after about 3 "princesses" and the "tender spots" comes my my personal favorite creeper question: "Do you have pretty hands and feet?" (EWWWWWWWWW!). I question if he has a fetish and he tells me "Yes! Pretty hands and feet do it for me." I'm speechless. I change the subject. The next day, his stupid texts continue, so now IT IS ON!! I decide to mess with him.

Douchey: You are a good kisser?

Me: The lucky ones find out.

Douchey: You're fresh.

Me: Like lettuce?

(I mean seriously, has anyone used the term 'fresh' since 1992 ... 'Yo holmes to Bel Air!' Fresh Prince variety?)

Douchey: No!! Just fresh!

Me: No.. I'm what they call 'cheeky'

Douchey: No.. fresh.

(And now I've got Kool & the Gang in my head: "She's fresh, so fresh! Exciting! She's so inviting to me....)

Me: Well fresh things are good for people.

Douchey: Yes they are princess (Barf. This about the 4th time he's called me princess. I decide if he can call me princess, then I can come up with a 'pet' name for him as well. Hmmm.. king? No.. too old sounding. Prince? Uh.. too Disney... Duke? No, that's like the university... Wait... I think I got it.....)

Me: Indeed you are correct, Captain!

(What? I mean.. captain? Oh Captain, my captain? LOL.. I am SUCH a smart ass.. this can't be good)

Douchey: Send me a picture to my phone so I can see that beautiful smile again. (no reply to the captain comment, by the way)

(Sigh.. okay, at this point, I'm pissed with the picture requests. Seriously. You've seen me)

Me: The picture-sending portion of this program has concluded. Meaning... I have no makeup on, I look like crap, and you have 10 pics of me at your disposal.

Douchey: Stop it! I'm bringing my camera. Get ready for the photo shoot.

(Uh... WHAT? Are you kidding me? Okay, at this point, I DO think he's joking, but there is this other side of me who envisions him posing us for a photo with matching sweaters for his holiday cards, maybe with antler head bands and red noses. Weirdo. Time to f*&k with him some more...)

Me: Uh, no. I don't do photos unless it's for cash.

Douchey: So do you dress up and dance?

Me: (changing subject) So what are the 3 top things you look for? in a woman?

Douchey: 1 - Ability to hold a conversation 2 - Affectionate 3 - Can be just as comfortable with silence.

Me: Darn. I came so close. Too bad I'm an uptight, no sense-of-humor-having bitch. Otherwise, I'm in!

Douchey: Yes you are (Ooooh, so he DOES detect my sarcasm?) I wonder what your hugs are like.

(okay.. did he just SAY that? 'I wonder what your HUGS are like?' Are there different styles of hugging now? Do I need to learn how to hug a certain way to know what kind of hugging is GOOD hugging? What's bad hugging? Like that awkward way you hug someone in middle school and don't know where to put your hands? I mean, would you break up with someone for being a bad... hugger?)

Me: All in good time...

Okay, that pretty much did it and I haven't texted Douchey and he hasn't texted me. My gut tells me that he gave up. Did he think I would change my "NO HOOK UP" stance when I told him, right from the start that wasn't me? Or is he one of these guys that has NO social skills and gives off the creeper vibe? Whatever it is... I am glad Mr. Von Weirdo is gone.

Dating sucks this week.

Just don't LOOOOVE your pets, guys!

Um... there really are no words for this one. Okay guys, WHAT are you thinking when you post a picture like this as your MAIN picture on your profile on a dating site? Are you thinking that the ladies will LOVE your oh-so-stylish German Shepherd shirt? Seriously? This is about one step away from the now infamous 3 wolves shirt that became a hit on Amazon.com. But this my friends is scarier because this guy is NOT kidding. His profile mentions that his family loves German Sheperds. Really? I never would have guessed...

And I might add, in addition to this fab photo, there were 3 others... of the dog, 3 of this fine fellow, but 3 of the dog too. Am I going to date you or your dog? Are you thinking the ladies will see this and SWOON over your dog-loving nature? Think you're the sensitive man with the cute doggie shirt? Does he think this is REMOTELY attractive? If your main picture is supposed to show you in your BEST light, am I to expect that we will be sitting across from each other and as we enjoy a nice drink or a light meal I get to stare at... that dog shirt?

The truth is, we see this and think, "This is a guy who is WAY too into his dog." And that's just weird. Now you know why you are single. Hope you and the dog will be very happy.

On a positive note.. have a new date I'm actually excited about (no animal photos in his profile - yeah). We'll call him *Sam. Sam is a fellow teacher and we hit it off on the phone. Hoping the chemistry continues tomorrow night...

Two dates, Two duds.

Yikes, it's been a scary week. 1st up was my date with *Rob. Now Rob sounded promising - good career (cop), another "good on paper" kind of guy. Now, I'm back on Eharmony AND Match at the same time, cuz a girl's gotta keep her options going, right? Well if you're familiar with Eharmony, there is a back-and-forth question/answer period and I was a bit concerned when Rob asked me "What are your opinions on traditional gender roles?" It seemed like an odd question for a guy to ask. I actually choose that question because I definitely want a guy who is supportive of my career. When I asked him about it later he talked about how he was totally fine with a woman working, etc. Okay, gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So we decide to do my standard Starbucks meeting. He shows up looking like he rolled right out of bed. Hoodie sweatshirt, wrinkled baggy khakis and his eyes were red... like looked like he was drunk red. WTF?? The conversation was actually pretty good, so I decide - give him a chance. He's a cop, maybe he worked some long hours? Who knows? We decide we are going to meet up and play tennis about 4 days later. In the meantime, we engage in some phone conversations that basically made this go from potential to "OH HELL NO" in 2 phone calls.

I asked him if he wanted to bet on dinner playing tennis - that loser had to cook dinner sometime in the future and he said, "Well I don't cook". You're 31 and you don't cook? WTH? I said, "Well fine you can take me out" and he says "Yeah, but I'm a poor cop." Uh.. well dating sort of involves... going out. But then he says, well let's not play tennis and basically says, SERIOUSLY to me, "Well how about I come over Thursday and you can cook me dinner." Um.. no. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? He hasn't even taken me out yet. He kept saying "I'm a poor cop". Yeah.. NEXT. If you have no money, don't date. I don't mean it wrong, but we don't have to go to the fanciest places, but you should be able to take a girl out for dinner, ya know? I don't make the most money and have a job that pays comparable to what he makes, so WTH? Damn it. Then he started texting me at 11pm at night.. stuff that was too racy and I gave him the heave-ho.

Next up was *Adam. This dude tells me on the phone how he's in school and really motivated, blah blah blah. Met in person (another coffee house meeting) and he tells me he's only in community college, taking 090 classes (um... those are high school classes) that he didn't do well in school and partied too much and that he's only taking 8 credit hours because "what's the rush?" Well, you're 28 dude. It's time to get your shit together.

(Sigh).. My luck just sucks right now. I would think that there would be a guy on my level out there. I don't ask for anything more than what I have in myself - successful, motivated, well-mannered, educated, etc... I'm beginning to think he does NOT exist!!

Uh huh.

Conversation. It's a wonderful thing.

I just wish my recent date had learned how to engage in it. What I don't understand in life...jelly shoes, why people love Kathy Lee Gifford and how some guys acquire NO social skills in life.

Seriously, how do you NOT learn how conversation is attained. I talk. You listen and reply and perhaps add witty comments and ask questions. I listen and respond to what you say and perhaps add more and ask questions. You listen and reply in turn.

Simple right? Unless you are out with *Jay. Listen, Jay planned a GREAT date, don't get me wrong. I mean, how wrong can you be taking someone to the ballet? But you can't mask lack of personality with guys in tights, as entertaining as that was for 2 hours.

No, Jay has no social skills. Here is a snippet of what it's like to talk to Jay:

Me: "So how was work today?"

Jay: "It was good."

Silence...

Me: "Yeah my day was pretty busy. Something funny did..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Me: "Um... did happen today at work. I was in the middle of..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Me: "middle of class and one of my students raised his hand and..."

Jay: "Uh-huh"

Okay. WTF dude. Stop saying UH HUH!!! At least know that "uh huhs" are placed at intervals where there are PAUSES in conversation, not in the MIDDLE of sentences! Then when I finish, it's like he wasn't even listening and doesn't comment on what I said or respond to it in any way. He starts talking about something else entirely or there is just silence. It's like in Wayne's World 2 when Wayne & Garth are talking to the deejay about "Waynestock" and he isn't listening, and just keeps saying, "Uh-huh". THAT is Jay.

Then there are these horrible awkward silences. Tonight he calls me on the phone.

Jay: "What are you doing?" (a question, I'm impressed)

Me: "Watching something incredibly intellectual... Jersey Shore"

Silence.

Jay: "Yeah I was just finishing doing some cleaning."

Wow. You don't say.

I think the problem is, he doesn't listen to what I'm saying, so it comes across like he doesn't care. I think the guy is painfully shy & nervous, and ya know what though, at the age of 40.. you should have your shit together dude. I don't mean to sound so mean, but how do you manage 40 years on earth and not be able to hold a conversation? How did you ever get hired from a job interview? It's sad, because I think he's a nice guy, but I think he just lacks some skills, ya know? And at my age, I don't want to have to teach you. Too bad. Back to the dating pool we go.

Have a plan dude.

First my apologies for my lack of posting. Hasn't been a lack of dating...I took myself off the market for a little bit because I'm working 3 jobs. Had 2 dates, both boring as all hell. Yeah, a girl's gotta date, but a girl's gotta' pay the bills first.

With that said, I'm back out there now!! Tonight will be a new date with *Jay.

Not sure how to look at this. There is a cynical part of me that's in bitter mode over dating lately. I'm at that point where I get sick of the first date ritual. I'm not a country fan, but the song, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" pretty well sums it up.

Jay... well maybe I'm being a little crestfallen after my last 2 dates (duds)... both old, boring fellows posting 10 year old pictures! UGH...But Jay is from the south, and I have to admit, my hickdar is beeping, a little. But it remains to be seen whether that's just his accent, or... HE'S A HICK, and I should run to the hills. The main issue - conversation with him is BOR-ING on the phone. But ladies, I'm sticking to the date because everyone keeps justifying this: "Maybe he's just nervous." "Maybe he's not a good phone talker." Hmmm.. or maybe he's... boring?

But I will give the benefit of the doubt and I'm meeting him for coffee. I dodged the dinner bullet on this, but really, he didn't give me much choice. I'm the one who had to plan this, and I HATE HATE HATE having to take the upper hand on a first date. It makes me feel like I'll have to do this all the time, and I like a "man's man" who takes charge (read between the lines on that one, but guys should know... ladies believe this translates EVERYWHERE). I like a guy who says, "Can I take you out to dinner, or would you like to ...." Here's more our phone convo:

Me: "So would you still like to go out tonight?"

Him: "yeah, they would be great."

Silence......

Me: "So um... what did you have in mind."

Him: "Um... I'm not really sure...."

Silence....

Me: "Well how about we meet for coffee or a drink?"

Him: "yeah sure, that sounds good."

Silence....

Me: "Okay, well how about we meet at..."

And of course I give the place and time. Again, giving the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he's new to online dating and he figures I'll be more comfortable if I make the date (justifying...again). Or... maybe he's BORING. I'll give you one guess how excited I am about this date.... (sigh)... But I promise to be my awesome, shining, shaved-leg and all self because I'm certainly going to put the best ME out there. I just hope his best is better than what I've heard so far.

Why breakups sucky sucky long time.

I broke up with *Hal months ago, but really finally said "goodbye" for good just about a month ago, and here's what I realize...there is nothing worse than being female and the after-effects of a breakup.

Why?

Because he's just a boy. He don't understand.

What would we do without Beyonce? I'm just sayin'...

Being a female SUCKS because of hormones and emotions and all that shit, because what happens? Those feelings creep back in, because I LOVED him. But what hurts the most? Realizing, finally, that he doesn't and probably never did love me. There, I said it. Sucky sucky.

And that's the hardest message of all to receive, and finally accept, as I'm FINALLY doing. He didn't love me, at least, not in the way I deserved and really, fuck it, that fucker loved his cat and treated that cat better than me. It certainly received more attention. (Deep breath...focus)

But what can you do to stop that person you loved from creeping into your thoughts? You see other couples holding hands. Your mind starts to wander and the WORST feeling of all is envisioning him with another girl. That's the dagger through the heart right there, thinking of him loving someone else more/better/etc. (Insert psycho thoughts....)

But then I'm also realizing one important point about my breakup. I did the right thing. No matter how I over-analyze this in my girl brain. No matter how many times I sit and want to call or email him or text him and shake him back and forth and say, "LOVE ME THE WAY I DESERVED!!!" (Can't I indulge in one or two psycho thoughts?) I can't force him. And he doesn't. So there it is. I did the right thing because he didn't love me. Had I continued, I might have wasted years just settling for something that wasn't everything I know I deserve.

What I deserve: A man who misses me when I'm gone. Who holds me and doesn't think about his phone. Who puts me as a priority every day (or heck, at least every few days). Who values what's wonderful about me - my kind heart, my thoughtfulness and my compassion and doesn't take advantage of that. I deserve someone who LOVES me and really understands me. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him.

I'm willing to sacrifice being alone to get it. Why? Because I love myself and I value myself. I don't find my worth in a man. I don't determine how I feel about myself every day because of how HE makes me feel. And most importantly, I follow my own cardinal rule - I DO NOT chase boys. If a boy ain't chasin' you back - he doesn't care about you. And finally, it's time to just give it up, completely, and I think that was the hardest part for me, because once I find that new guy, that amazing guy, Hal will be forgotten. And damn it...sometimes it's hard to let go (really, this is the makings of a GREAT country song, dontcha think?)

On a bright note, I've met another southern guy on Match, so we'll see how this goes when I return to NC and we can go out on a date. That'll be at least a week, so hold onto your britches till then. LOL.. summer vacation has been interesting too!! LOL.. being home in Michigan has brought back... lots of er... people from the past. Will write more later though.

Real boys do not sparkle... oh the Twilight effect!

In honor of the release of Eclipse, I've decided to blog about the whole franchise. I thought the books and the movies were ok (though Eclipse I thought was the best one). My beef is, teenagers are eating this crap up, expecting guys to REALLY talk and act like this. Isn't this the problem with Hollywood? We're fed this picture of what love "is" and when Edward Cullen doesn't arrive, we're completely deflated and bummed. So listen up, because I have 35 years of knowledge under my belt and I'm going to give you the REAL lowdown on men.

Men are not sparkly (I've looked), nor do they speak in the hopeless romantic dialogue of this movie. They do not sit in flowery fields reading poetry with you, lightly brushing your hair from your face, endlessly staring into your eyes, trading kisses, hugging and caressing each other's lips in the sparkly sunlight. Unless there's the promise of a blow job in that field (or a ball game)...it's not gonna happen.

In real life, Edward is refusing to sleep with Bella because he's secretly gay (or boning someone on the side). The suffering victim of unrequited love, Jacob, would bone Bella's friends in her high school to make her jealous. Or get some skanky girlfriend off the reservation because that's the quickest way to overcome those feelings. Bella would get pissed that Edward won't sleep with her and go and bitch to all her friends in school who would spread gay rumors. Then Edward would HAVE to sleep with her to prove his non-gayhood. Bella's friends would be talking MAJOR shit about how controlling Edward's behavior is (hi, STALKER!) and one of them would go to the school counselor. Oh, and they'd probably say the whole family is a bunch of alcoholics based on the red/yellow eyes and they would stage an intervention and have them all on the A&E show pleading with them to get help.

Nope, men are just men. They like to smell something disgusting and say, "Here... smell this." They like sports and to smack the tops of door frames when they walk through them. They are pretty simple - they like you, they call you. They don't, they'll still try to have sex with you, but they won't call you except for that. Now, don't get me wrong, yes men DO fall in love and when they do, it's the little things - buying your favorite things, helping you fix things around the house, and maybe the occasional flower-buying. Those gestures ARE romance and ladies, if you're expecting him to recite love poems and to gaze longingly at you 24/7, well, you're going to be sorely disappointed when football season rolls around, because the only thing he'll longingly gaze at is the TV. But that's men, God love em'.

Now, in honor of my Twilight-ish renaissance, I've decided to translate some "lines" from the movie (some are real, some are close), just so you REALLY know how this would go down in real life:

Edward:"Bella, you have captured my heart and my very soul. My world is nothing without you."
Real life: (Staring at her boobs) "You. Are. HOT."

Jacob: "Don't chose him. Choose me. I can make you blissfully, sublimly happy."
Real life: "That dude...is a douche."

Edward: "I have no soul. You have something that once it's gone can never be returned. I value your soul, even if you don't."
Real life: This would totally be some shit a guy would say to get you into bed, sorta like the "Of course I'll still respect you" line.

Edward: "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever - every single day of forever."
Real life: "Yeah, yeah...I promise to love you forever. Yes, forever. And ever. And ever... oh look at that girl! Hey girl... my name is Ed what's yours? I got some um... oral skills I'd like to show you."

Jacob: "You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I'm in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him."
Real life: "That guy is a douche."

Edward: "I'll protect you no matter what."
Real life: "I'll protect you, unless the game is on, cause you know... that's kinda important."

Edward: "Sleep my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You're the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
Real life: (I'm sorry, I'm off puking in a corner).

Sigh... isn't love grand?