Douchbagitis!!!

There is a new affliction cursing many men today. The likely cause is shear stupidity. This terrible disease is called douchebagitis. You may suffer from this affliction if you use stupid come-on lines, don't call girls when you are supposed to, make them wait on you when it's really unnecessary, or generally act like a moron for unknown reasons. If you have douchbagitis, you may feel a slight pain in your forehead. That's because you are missing a brain. Your brain in located in your dick and unfortunately, this causes you to behave in unruly and often unethical and immoral ways. If you find yourself treating a girl like shit, you may have this disease. There are 4 stages to this disease.

Stage One: You start to act "different". You don't call a girl when you say you will. You start to wonder what else is out there. It's easy to seek treatment at this stage by focusing on all the wonderful qualities the girl you are with has. Focus on how she took care of you when you were sick, or how she does special things for you. Call her immediately and treat her like the awesome girl she is. Avoid other douchebagitis sufferers at all costs. Chance of recovery: 85%

Stage Two: You start listening to other men who suffer from this affliction. Many men have this, and that includes some of your male friends. They will tell you, "Don't put up with that shit" and "You can do better than that" and "Screw her, be single! Come out with us! " Notice, this advice always comes from single men (again who also have this affliction). They don't like to be alone and they are recruiting you into their legions. Don't fall for it. Chance of recovery: 50-60%

Stage Three: You purposely hurt a girl you are with. You cancel plans. You treat her like shit by suddenly disappearing for days at a time. During this time, you convince yourself that you are "busy" at work or on the weekend and that her need to talk to you is "psycho". That laundry takes a lot of time, huh? Even though you really aren't doing laundry, you're playing video games, but still. You try to convince yourself she is being too clingy because she (gasp!) wants to talk to you. You run for no reason. Unless you man up now and call her and be honest, your chance of recovery is only 20-30%

Stage Four: Chronic douchebagedness has set in. This is the terminal stage. You constantly piss off the girl you are with by acting like a moron. She's telling you that you're being a moron, but you ignore it. You go to the bar with friends and hit on any girl you can. You begin to think you are Brad Pitt, even though you look like Humpty Dumpty. You convince yourself that one workout has made you "buff" and that you are hot. You tell girls you are single, and you aren't. You've begun to consider buying a pickup truck with Calvin pissing on something. The thought of wearing "Free Moustache Rides" t-shirts is appealing. This stage is lethal and chances for recovery are minimal.