Dear Dr. Warren...

Dear Dr. Warren,

I'd like to say that the services at Eharmony have not quite lived up to expectation.. oh what the hell... Fuck you Dr. Warren!

Your service sucks. First of all, one of the first dates you sent me on in my new state was with a boob-watching lech who met me at a Moose (see page 1 of this blog). The scary part - according to you we were matched on many levels. What levels were those? He and I both like boobs (I do like mine, but still). We both like Red Lobster? We both um... ??? Please tell me the lasting bonds of relationships are not forged over the love of cheesy biscuits and cleavage.

I also hate your commercials. I've seen a total of what? 3 couples who have been matched, and the two on your website (LJ and Shannon... fuck them too) are the same every time you log on. So that's a total of 4 successful couples. If I see that hockey playing douchebag one more time I'm going to scream. Bravo Dr. Warren. The commercials are so story-book, happily-ever-after bullshit. Like my good friend Tiff says - I just want a man who will last longer than my oil change. Should I put that in my profile?

Maybe you should stop matching me based on my occupation. I'm onto you. I'm a teacher (shhh), so every idiot who writes "teacher" in their profile, it matches us. Is that SERIOUSLY the 'matched on many levels' crap you tout? So if someone puts "I'm hot for teachers".. that's the dude I get. Great. Think of the poor nurses out there who get the "I'm inspired by a naughty nurse." God help the french maids.

So Dr. Warren, I'm letting my subscription end because I seriously think after 6 months, you could've found me SOMEONE normal, or with less than 3,000 miles. I mean, seriously dude.