The dating is back ON!!!!!!!

Oh, dating, how in many ways, I have missed you! After some hemming and hawing back & forth with Hal... it's really, truly completely over. Basically, I went off on him, which he totally had coming. And what I said, was what I really felt and damn it felt goooooooooooooood as helllllllllll. I'll tell you one thing, I'm a lady who knows when to throw in a towel, and it was time. He wanted his "alone time" and ya know what... now he has PLENTY of time for it, cuz well... he can BE alone now. I'm movin' on. For once, I haven't looked back and have slowly felt him dripping from my mind. Treat me badly once, shame on you. Treat me badly twice, 3 times, 4, and then try to punish me with childish games? Suck it. That's my saying, anyway.

So back to Match.com and two prospects going now. One we'll call "Yankee". Yankee emailed me but his email says, "I could have a lot of fun with you... hehehe". Now, is that awkward guy-speak, or really creepy, leechy code speak for "I wanna have fun in your pants"? The two languages are so similar, I'm having trouble decoding! Or maybe I've just been out of the game for too long.

My other prospect, we'll call "Baller" cuz according to his profile, he's got EVERYTHING I'm looking for, which of course means, he'll probably ignore me or it'll never work out.. LOL. Call me pessimistic!! UH.. I always hate that though, when you find that PERFECT profile, the one that rings "WOW, we are PERFECT for each other!" and then either he never contacts you or you talk on the phone and he's smoking weed (see previous posts).. it's always something (mental disorders). So here's to hopeful beginnings ladies and gents!!!

Here I go again on my own!! Thank you Whitesnake!

Though no rolling around on hoods of cars for me. Well, not yet.. lol. I officially signed back up for Match.com today, although it was a freak accident. My profile has been hidden for a while and I went in to just update pictures and my profile. All of the sudden I was getting all these winks and emails! Weird.. I guess when I updated it activated the profile, so I figured "Oh what the hell am I waiting for?" and so.. I'm back on match which is terrifying and sorta intriguing at the same time. Although the guy I emailed a bit today... UGH... tax accountant. I've had more exciting conversation with a salad bar. Although why I was talking to that salad bar is perplexing...

No, I was asking the usual questions and his responses were sooooo boring. UGH.. really? I guess what did I expect to find that awesome guy right off the bat? I'm quite confident I'll run into many more funny stories before the right one comes along. But who knows? LOL... but we're off and running and we'll see what happens.

Getting over a breakup sucks!!

Breakups suck. That's all there is to it. After my break-up there was the inevitable regret, but I knew that would happen. Somehow, all the hurt starts to melt and you miss the good parts, but the truth was, the last 3 months were mostly the bad - crying because I felt rejected and unloved. In fact, I don't even remember the last time Hal told me I looked pretty or paid me an honest compliment. I knew I would have those "regret" moments, and I still do have moments of sadness, but truth is... I did the right thing. Hal didn't realize how much he was hurting me, and I don't think he really cared. How can I be with someone who doesn't care? Oh, but the break-ups suck. I'm concentrating on ME right now. I don't even want to THINK about dating. Although the other day while jogging, a guy was checking me out and said "hello" and smiled. That was enough and made me feel good. I'm working out and making a huge overhaul to how I eat - cutting out high fructose corn syrup, eating organic, and I'm doing strength-training and jogging/walking each week, basically working out every single day because it's keeping me sane. It's keeping my endorphins up and it's keeping me occupied. Oh - and it's making me feel better about myself, and I'm losing weight - 4 lbs this week. I'm also reading, doing hobbies - anything and everything to keep me from just thinking about Hal. And I'm noticing every day, it gets a little easier.

Today was tough - went out to get some food and there were two couples and the one husband was just affectionately rubbing his wife's back. Just an arm around her, but that affection, that genuine love was so evident in that simple gesture. I hadn't had that from Hal is soooo long. That hurt. I needed to hear something positive. I know I was the one who usually said "I love you" first. I think Hal needs to be alone right now. As for me - I need to move on. And I'm working on that, day by day.

From "we" to just "me" again.

This time around I was the one who did the breaking up, but that doesn't make it any easier. It happened 4 days ago, yet it's all I can think about. The only pervading thought is - I did the right thing, and in that I find comfort.

I loved Hal very much, more than any man in my entire life, but me loving him that much doesn't a relationship make. It can't always be one person. The final straw was Sunday. I had been visiting my family and been gone for 9 days. The whole time there I was thinking of him, buying him souvenirs and things. When I returned, he was out of town in Vermont for a grad class. He returned at 1:30pm on Sunday. After not seeing me for 9 days, I was excited ... SO excited to see him. At 1:30, he texted me and told me he landed and I asked, "When should I come over?" His response: "I don't know". About 1/2 hour later I question this "I don't know" and he tells me 'I don't know. I have a lot to do." I don't know about you, but to me, that was a pretty clear sign. And the "lot to do" was him looking for a credit card he'd been looking for for 2 weeks (so hello - why wouldn't you look for that while I'm gone)?? And doing laundry. He blew me off for about 5 hours and then said to come over. When we went to dinner, I asked him if he missed me and his response was, "Eh, just a little". But he wasn't joking. He saw my deflated look and said, "Did you heard me?" And I responded, "Uh, yes, I heard you." And he said, "Well I did miss you a little. I was just really busy."

And there it is - the past 3 months have been like this. Almost the same thing happened on Valentine's Day. I surprised my man with a dinner of NY strips & potatoes and I dressed in a little "something special" and my man basically chuckled, proceeded to eat his dinner, pay his bills and do anything but be with me. Finally after oh - a few hours in this "outfit" I changed. It was humiliating.

I noticed a change. The first few months of our relationship he was all about "us" talking about taking vacations together, doing things together and was all about the "we". The last few months I noticed he started saying things like "Next St. Patty's day I'm going to Ireland with my friend." And we had never been on a trip together. He went from saying that we should go see his parents and he wanted me to meet his brother, to him taking those trips by himself. I understand being gone for trips and wanting "alone" time, but we went from spending nearly every day together to spending maybe 2-3 days a week together. He also starting hanging out in the bar, alone or with this beer club he belonged to. The problem with that was - these aren't his friends. He didn't really have friends here - they are all in his hometown. Now, I'm all for a girls' night or guys' night out... absolutely! But he would go and hang, by himself, in the bar. When I would go out with my friends, he would get pissy with me and pick a fight. Once he told me he had all this custody stuff to work on (and true, that's been a huge stress), but then the next day we chat all day over email and he says nothing, until 5:00pm when I post I'm meeting a friend for after work drinks, and boy does he get mad. Then he claims he is done with his "custody stuff" and could've gone out with me... well then, why didn't you tell me all day while we were talking? Cuz he was full of shit. He wanted to see me when he wanted to see me, turning me into a "sometimes" girlfriend. I'm nobody's "sometimes" girlfriend.

It turned into this push me away, pull me in type of thing and I was just done. It's too much to even write the whole thing, but his actions and words told me that he wasn't in a place for this relationship, and I value myself to know that I'm worth a whole lot more than taking whatever scraps he was willing to throw my way. I understand he has a lot of issues right now with his ex and his custody stuff, but instead of letting me be his partner in that, he pushed me away. I should've been the person he wanted to escape WITH, to relax WITH, to be WITH as he went thru this, but I wasn't. I think his anger with his ex just consumed every good part of him and he couldn't see around that. I hope that one day he's able to let that go, but I'm not willing to settle for "what I can get" and I was tired of being more unhappy than I am happy.

What I learned is that I deserve to be loved and missed and adored and... all of that! And also - don't get involved with a man in the middle of custody issues!! I know it's no fairy tale, but dang - my man should at least miss me after 9 days! Heck, I miss my man when he's gone for just a weekend! I started to see that this was a one-sided love and that, they say... is history.

The thought of dating again though is NOT a fun one, so I'm spending my time just for ME, losing a few lbs, eating right, exercising, reading some good books and going out with my friends and finding my "fun" again. I know it will return : ) And I know I did the right thing, because bottom line - I'm worth it.

Reconciliation...

Apologies go a long way, and I believe that this one was heartfelt and I believe that *Hal means it when he apologized for being a turd. Without going into too many details, he is going through a terrible custody battle right now, and I think it's taken his toll on him.

He apologized, and I believe in second chances, and I believe that he is truly sorry and that we deserve a second chance...

So here's to make-up sex (woo-hoo!) and trying to work things out with the man you love...

6 month relationship over :(

My relationship of 6 months has officially ended, so... ah, back to dating for me... soon, but not today... LOL.. give me some time! The strange thing for me is, I suppose in some ways I'm looking forward to it (until my awful next date where I eat those words) because I feel I do deserve to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone who treats me the way I deserve. I wish he had been that guy, but it turned out he's not.

I feel terrible I neglected my blog though, but... what can a girl do when she was in love? The short of it - my now ex was going through a really nasty divorce and custody battle and just wound up being really... mean to me. I'm a good-hearted person and have a hard time being truly MEAN, and he was just... MEAN, taking out his anger towards his ex on me, telling me I'm not there for him (yet that's all I've done), and then finally telling me he didn't need me nor want me and was purposely making me suffer by ignoring me over and over. Why would ANYONE sane stay?

Me? I can't do that to someone - intentionally hurt him, and I now question whether he ever loved me, because when you love someone, you might make mistakes, you might hurt the other person, but you apologize and move on and forgive. To be so intent on purposely hurting me? There's no way he loved me, and THAT is what hurts the most, but it's also the factor that made it easier to walk away.

Break-ups suck though, as we all know. Right now - I'm all about fun. Already have a packed couple days planned, a 5K with friends, a Ladies Night AND a trip!! I'm not one to sit around crying. I feel sad, but I just know that I deserve every happiness in the world and the last 4 weeks with him have been far from happy - more like me doing everything, him doing nothing and making me feel guilty and trying to convince me I wasn't doing enough. Fuck that shit.

Falling for the new guy...

I've met someone. : ) I know, I know, everyone shall now say, "Oh no more fun dating stories. Boo!" Oh Boo to you! : ) I still think there will be stories, but now, I'll have to shift to relationship tidbits and stories. It should be funny, because really, it's been a while since I've been in a relationship and most of those sucked. So far, this one is amazing, but I promise - I won't post mushy stuff that will make you puke. Much.

The worst part? I must call him Hal* (again, no he's not shallow) because I can't think of another "H" name besides Harold or Howard, and those are not hot names (his real name IS hot though).

Anyway, Hal is kind and thoughtful, honest and sexy all rolled into one. I'm a lucky girl.

Now I must address an email from Dawn, er Natasha. If this is what relationships are like, I'm seriously, seriously screwed.

Question #1 – Why do men need reading material to drop a deuce??? I don’t know about you, but when I have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I don’t need reading material. Does it relax them; which makes it easier? Do they have really short attention spans and they need something to do??? All I know is when I need to go, I do the deed and wipe my ass. The end.

Answer: This is the only area where guys actually need a distraction to get something done. It's the only place they CAN multitask, so they take advantage of it. In contrast, this is the only quiet moment that a woman has, so she enjoys the peace & quiet and gets the job done. She multitasks the entire rest of her life. Venus... meet Mars.

Question #2 – Why is hunting considered fun??? These people wake up at the ass crack of dawn, pile on layers of smelly clothing(they don’t wash these clothes all season), walk a half mile to their tree stands (sometimes walking thru heavy snow), climb a tree in the dark and sit there freezing their balls off waiting and hoping deer will appear. If they are “lucky” enough to shoot a deer, most of the time the deer runs and you need to track it. Once you find the deer, you have to drag the bloody, 100 lb+ deer through the woods back to where you are staying. Once you get the thing back, you have to hang it and gut it. Sounds like a fabulous time to me!!!!!!

Answer: Agreed. But then again, the same describes me the last time Macy's had their 1/2 off shoe sale. Just replace the word "deer" with "patent leather Mary Jane's"

Question #3 – Why do guys blow their nose in the shower??? This drives me insane. Can they not wait till they get out and blow their nose in tissue like normal people??? If they are blowing their nose in there, what other disgusting things are they doing???

Answer: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I think it goes along with Hershey marks in the underwear. I mean, really how lazy do you have to be not to wipe your own ass? Although I do know a female or two who has peed in a shower. I mean, not me. I'm a fuckin' lady.

Question #4 – When men take showers, why do they leave hair on the soap??? I’m not a big fan of using bar soap, but most guys do and I can’t help but notice all the freakin hair they leave on the soap. Do they not see the hairs??? Do they think us ladies find that sexy??? Sorry, but we don’t. Hairy men gross me out. It makes me want to throw up. I don’t know what part of your body those hairs came from. Were you scrubbing your crotch with it cuz that is the first thing I think of. That is just plain nasty. Just stop it!

Answer: Simple. He is an animal marking his territory. He figures if you meet some other guy, that guy might come over and shower (yeah, that could happen), he'll see that hair and realize that he's in the lair of an enemy beast who has hair, a sign of male verility and that if his not-as-verile ass doesn't get out of there soon, that wild wildebeast will tear his eyebrows out through his asshole. It's a pretty clear message.