I met Mitchell* on eharmony and we immediately hit it off. His profile showed he was 5'10, a little extra weight - VERY cute from his pics. In fact I was soooo nervous about this date worrying that he wouldn’t be attracted to me. We get to the talking on the phone stage and had some GREAT conversations for days and hours... I should have smelled it coming.I should've been warned when he suggested meeting "at the moose at the Bass Pro Shop" but being from the city, I thought he was being funny. No - he was indeed a class A hick, but definitely hid it well on the phone. I wear my cute black bermudas with a cute black & white top and fun heels. I meet Mitchell* at the moose at Bass Pro Shop (didn't I smell the foreshadowing?) and he's 1 - only 5'8, 2 inches shorter than he stated 2 - a lot thinner than his picture (I don't like em' too thin) 3 - wearing a crappy baseball hat, t-shirt and crappy jeans. But the looks can't possibly compare with the next phrase that came out of his mouth. Yes the first words he says to me? "Your titties look amazing in that shirt", proceeded by a teeth sucking "heh heh" sound that is straight from one of those guys in Deliverance. Now, I should have just walked away, but I nervously laughed and said, "wow, did you really just say that me??"
Literally the first couple sentences out of his mouth had to do with how I looked hot.. but not in a good way. I definitely felt uncomfortable but started thinking "can I just get my free dinner and get outta here?" So we go to Chili's at the mall and he keeps reaching over, in public, groping my ass. I tell him to stop of course and he thinks I'm joking. I said "no, I'm not joking".. I'm thinking - is this worth a free dinner?
So we go to dinner and I change the topic from his sexually charged banter to serious stuff. He told me he used to be a cop but his profile said he's a carpenter, so I ask him why he stopped being a cop. He basically tells me he won't get into details but there were "several incidents" where "people died.. not just one" and he was "messed up" over it and had to go to counseling for a long time. He then informs me that he's still on 2 different medications for his problems and that he might be bipolar. Mmmm... Nothing says sexy like talking mental illness on a 1st date.
This date is looking up, huh? :P We leave the agonizing dinner and are walking over to this book store and he sticks his finger in his nose and pretends to wipe it on me. No, I'm not lying. I said "what the f%^ do you think you're doing?" and he said "nothing" and then proceeded to do it again, then he starts like.. picking my ass with his fingernail and I say, "What are you doing??" and he said, "Trying to get the booger from under my fingernail." I reply with, "DUDE.. you need to keep your hands off me" and we arrive at the bookstore and I ditch him there to contemplate how I can leave without him seeing.
So he returns, walks up behind me, puts his hand around my waist and seriously, in the middle of the bookstore, attempts to put his hands on my boobs. I push him off of me and say"let's go". We were supposed to go see a movie but I wind up telling him that it's getting late and I'm not comfortable driving around at night yet (I moved to a new city), so could we call it a night? On the way out he says to me “I have a load on deck that could choke a donkey”… or basically, he need to use the bathroom for #2. Charming. I have to be honest, if he hadn't told me the "bipolar" thing.. I would've just bailed, but I was kinda afraid to make him mad! And who knows what the police thing was, but my gut tells me that he killed someone!! SCARY! Ah.. some lucky lady out there in NC will be the next to meet this charming fellow... So there you have it, the worst dating story... EVER. I'm available to tell this story, in person, at your next BBQ, campfire or Bar Mitzvah.
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